“No way I’m gonna eat all that. What’s your favorite meal here?” Rufus asks. “Please don’t say fish.”
“I like the grilled chicken salad, but that’s because I eat like a bird.”
“I’ll have that,” Rufus decides. He looks at me. “What do you want, Mateo?”
I don’t even bother looking at the menu. “I’ll have whatever your usual is.” Like him, I’m hoping it’s not fish.
“You don’t even know what it is.”
“As long as it’s not chicken tenders it’ll be something new for me.”
Rufus nods. He points to a couple items on the menu and Rae tells us she’ll return shortly, then rushes away so quickly she leaves behind her pen and notepad. We overhear Rae telling the chef to make our order priority number one because “there are Deckers at the table.” Not sure who our competition is—the guy in the back already drinking his coffee while he reads his newspaper? But I do appreciate Rae’s heart, and I wonder if Andrea at Death-Cast was once like her before the job killed her compassion.
“Can I ask you something?” I say to Rufus.
“Don’t waste your breath on questions like that. Just come out and say whatever you want,” he says.
He’s coming on a little strong, but good call.
“Why did you tell Rae we’re dying? Doesn’t that screw with her day?”
“I guess. But dying is screwing with my day and there isn’t anything I can do about it,” Rufus says.
“I’m not telling Lidia I’m dying,” I say.
“That makes no sense. Don’t be a monster. You have a chance to say goodbye, you should do it.”
“I don’t want to ruin Lidia’s day. She’s a single mom and she’s already had a rough time since her boyfriend died.” Maybe I’m not actually so selfless—maybe not telling her is really selfish, but I can’t bring myself to do it, because how do you tell your best friend you won’t be around tomorrow? How do you convince her to let you leave so you have a chance of living before you die?
I push back against my seat, pretty disgusted with myself.
“If that’s your call, I back it. I don’t know if she’ll resent you or not, you know her best. But look, we gotta stop caring about how others will react to our deaths and stop second-guessing ourselves.”
“What if by not second-guessing our actions we end ourselves?” I ask. “Don’t you have little freak-outs wondering if life was better before Death-Cast?”
This question is suffocating.
“Was it better?” Rufus asks. “Maybe. Yes. No. The answer doesn’t matter or change anything. Just let it go, Mateo.”
He’s right. I am doing this to myself. I’m holding myself back. I’ve spent years living safely to secure a longer life, and look where that’s gotten me. I’m at the finish line, but I never ran the race.
Rae returns with drinks, hands a grilled chicken salad to Rufus, and places sweet potato fries and French toast in front of me. “If there’s anything else I can get you boys please just shout for me. Even if I’m in the back or with another customer, I’m yours.” We thank her but I can tell she’s hesitant about walking away, almost as if she wants to scoot down next to one of us and just talk some more. But she collects herself and walks away.
Rufus taps my plate with his fork. “How’s my usual looking for you?”
“I haven’t had French toast in years. My dad really got into making BLTs on toasted tortillas every morning instead.” I kind of forgot French toast was even a thing, but that cinnamon smell restores many memories of eating breakfast across from Dad at our rickety table while we listened to the news or brainstormed lists he should write. “This is pretty perfect. Do you want some?”
Rufus nods, but doesn’t reach over to my plate. His mind is elsewhere as he plays around with his salad, seemingly disappointed and only eating the chicken. He drops his fork and grabs the notepad and pen Rae left behind. He sketches a circle, bold. “I wanted to travel the world taking photos.”
Rufus is drawing the world, outlining the countries he’ll never get to visit.
“Like a photojournalist?” I ask.
“Nah. I wanted to do my own thing.”
“We should go to the Travel Arena,” I say. “It’s the best way to travel the world in a single day. CountDowners speak highly of it.”
“I never read that stuff,” Rufus says.
“I read it daily,” I admit. “It’s comforting seeing other people breaking out.”
Rufus glances up from his drawing, shaking his head. “Your Last Friend is gonna make sure you go out with a bang. Not a bad bang, or a you-know-what bang, but a good bang. That made no sense.”
“I get it.” I think.
“What did you see yourself doing? Like, as a job?” Rufus asks.
“An architect. I wanted to build homes and offices and stages and parks,” I say. I don’t tell him how I never wanted to work in any of those offices, or that I’ve also dreamt of performing on a stage I’ve built. “I played with Legos a lot as a kid.”
“Same. My spaceships always came apart. Those smiling block-headed pilots never stood a chance.” Rufus reaches over and carves himself a piece of French toast and then chews it, savoring the bite with his head down and eyes closed. It’s hard watching someone swallow their favorite food one last time.
I have to get it together.
Things usually get worse before they get better, but today has to be the flip side.
Once our plates are clear, Rufus stands and gets Rae’s attention. “Could we get the check when you have a sec?”
“It’s on us,” Rae says.
“Please let us pay. It would mean a lot to me,” I say. I hope she doesn’t see it as a guilt card.
“Seconded,” Rufus says. Rufus may not be able to return here again, but we want to make sure they remain open for as long as possible for others, and money is how they pay the bills.
Rae nods vigorously, and she hands us a check. I hand her my debit card, and when she comes back, I tip her triple the inexpensive meal’s cost.
I have less than two thousand dollars after this debit charge. I may not be able to restart anyone’s life with this money, but every bit helps.
Rufus puts his drawing of the world inside his pocket. “Ready to go?”
I remain seated.
“Getting up means leaving,” I say.
“Yeah,” Rufus says.
“Leaving means dying,” I say.
“Nah. Leaving means living before you die. Let’s bounce.”
I stand, thanking Rae and the busboy and the host as we leave.
Today is one long morning. But I have to be the one who wakes up and gets out of bed. I look ahead at the empty streets, and I start walking toward Rufus and his bike, walking toward death with every minute we lose, walking against a world that’s against us.
RUFUS
5:53 a.m.
I can’t front, Mateo is cool and neurotic and fine company, but it would’ve been really dope to have one last sit-down at Cannon’s with the Plutos, talking about all the good and bad things that have gone down. But it’s too risky. I know what’s good with me and I’m not risking getting them hurt.
They could hit me back with a text, though.