“Yeah. They’re really good.”
She glances at Dad, but he doesn’t meet her eyes. His head is lowered, jaw muscles working like he’s grinding his molars into powder. Mom sighs and refocuses on me.
“I thought we decided spending time with Ethan was a bad idea.”
“You decided.”
Dad glances up, surprised by the bitterness in my voice. But he doesn’t call me on it, so I keep talking.
“He’s not holding me back, or whatever it is you’re worried about. I thought you’d be happy I’m getting out of the house and spending time with friends again.”
Mom shakes her head. “Dara, that’s not the point. Ethan’s a good kid, but maybe he’s not the best person for you to be leaning on right now.”
“Why not?” The shakiness in my body has been replaced with adrenaline. I’m sick of them treating me like I’m made of delicate tissue—one little tear and I’m ruined forever. “Tell me, please, what is so damn terrible about the idea of me hanging out with Ethan.”
They stare at me for a long moment. I’ve clearly surprised them. This is the most life I’ve shown in well over a year.
Mom places a hand on Dad’s knee and leans toward me. “Okay. I’m just going to say this straight out. It’s his parents.”
“His parents? What are you talking about?”
“Shortly after the accident, when you were . . .” She flicks a glance toward the ceiling and my bedroom, where I’d holed up for days on end, dazed with grief. “Your father and I went to the McCraes’ house to apologize in person for everything that happened.”
“You did?” I say, still confused about where she’s going with this. I look at Dad for clues, but he’s glowering at the floor again. “What did they say?”
“They—”
“They told us to go away,” Dad cuts in, lifting his head to look at me. “And then they threatened us with legal action if you ever tried to contact any of them again.”
The adrenaline drains out of me, leaving me exhausted. “Was this before or after they charged me with criminal negligence?”
“Before,” Mom replies. “But I think they would have done that even if we hadn’t shown up there.”
I sit quietly for a minute, my mind spinning. Had Ethan’s parents read the letter I’d mailed to their house the day after the funeral, even though it was addressed to him? Was it the last straw for them? Maybe they threw it away before Ethan could see it. Before he could read the three lines that had taken me hours to write: Ethan, I know sorry will never be good enough, but I am. You have every right to hate me. I wish it had been me instead.
I meant every word of that letter, and the thought of them keeping it from him pisses me off.
“Why didn’t you guys tell me this before?” I ask, my annoyance seeping into my voice.
“Because we didn’t want to add to your stress over starting school,” Mom says. “Also, it wasn’t really an issue then. You two weren’t even in contact. But now . . .”
“What? You think his parents will try to do something if they find out he’s been hanging out with me?”
Mom’s throat moves as she swallows. “They were just so hell-bent on making you pay for what happened. Anger like that doesn’t just disappear, Dara. And how do you know Ethan isn’t still angry too? He didn’t get in touch with you once while you lived with Lydia and Jared, right? Why is he back in your life all of a sudden?”
Now it’s my turn to stare. What is she getting at? “He wants to be friends,” I say, remembering the feel of his arms around me, the softness of his T-shirt against my cheek. No one who hugged me like that could be mad at me. Or if he is, he’s doing a damn good job of hiding it. “Ethan is nothing like his parents, okay? He doesn’t blame me for what happened.”
“Are you sure?” Dad asks.
The way they’re looking at me, like I’m some kind of delusional mental case, makes me want to scream. They haven’t spoken to Ethan in ages; they have no idea what his intentions are or how he feels about me. “No,” I bite out. “You’re totally right. He’s manipulating me into trusting him. And then, when I least expect it, he’s going to lure me out on the street and push me in front of a truck in revenge.”
My father’s face becomes a deep shade of purple and he springs off the couch, pointing a finger at me. “Don’t you ever speak to us that way. We’re just trying to help you.”
The resentment I’ve been nursing for the past few weeks spills over and suddenly I’m standing too. “What do you care, Dad? You didn’t even want me to come home, remember?”
That shuts him up. It shuts everyone up, for a moment. The only sound in the room is Dad’s loud, angry breathing. I’ve seen him furious before, like the time someone behind us was texting and slammed into the back of our truck, but his fury has never, ever been directed at me. I’m not sure what to do with it.
“Okay.” Mom stands up slowly and touches Dad’s arm. “Let’s all take a breath. Screaming at each other isn’t going to solve anything. That’s why I think we need to sit down calmly with Dr. Lemke and work through this.”
“Dr. Lemke isn’t magical,” I snap at her. “He can’t fix everything.”
I can sense my father gearing up toward another outburst, but I don’t stick around to hear it. Instead, I escape to my room and almost trip over Tobias at the top of the stairs, where he’s obviously been stationed for the past several minutes, eavesdropping. He looks at me the way he always does now—like he’s scared of me—but I don’t stick around for that either. I close myself up in my room, stick in my earbuds, and numb my brain with sound.
eighteen
Sophomore Year
“HEY, GUYS! GUESS WHAT?” PAIGE SQUEEZED between Aubrey and me as we headed toward the cafeteria. Ethan, who’d been walking on my other side, ducked behind me to avoid colliding with a trash can.
“What?” I said, grabbing Ethan’s arm and pulling him back beside me.
“My mom and stepdad are going out of town this weekend.”
“And?” Aubrey prompted.
“And . . .” She smacked her gum for a few seconds to create suspense. “I’m having a party Saturday night. One last blowout before we have to start studying for finals.”
Aubrey frowned. “Your parents are leaving you alone in the house?”
Leave it to Aubrey to focus on the practicalities.
“No. My brother will be there.”
“He won’t mind you having a party?”
Paige shrugged. “He doesn’t care. I think I can even convince him to buy us liquor.”
“He won’t tell your parents?” Aubrey asked as we entered the cafeteria. Immediately, she scanned the room for Justin. Things with her parents hadn’t changed, but Justin had kept his word to me and stopped avoiding her at school. They weren’t back together, but they’d been talking a lot more lately. He seemed open to working things out with her, which made me wonder if I’d imagined him checking me out at Home Depot. I hoped so.
“No way,” Paige said confidently. “Believe me, I have some dirt on my brother I can totally use as blackmail material.”