Her directness loosened him up. He shook his head with a smile. “No.”
The road had been reopened, and a tailgating stream of cars and trucks were heading home in both directions. Compelled to keep filling the space between her and Ollie, Makani kept talking. “It’s just I never thought I could be that type of person. But I am.”
Unexpectedly, her voice cracked like a mirror. Before the incident, she hadn’t believed that she could be capable of cruelty. Now, she knew that she was.
Ollie stopped. His expression was serious. He waited to speak until she stopped, too. “Everybody has at least one moment they deeply regret, but that one moment . . . it doesn’t define all of you.”
“But it does. It ruined my life. And I deserved for it to be ruined.”
“Makani. Makani.” Ollie repeated it, because she was walking away from him.
She halted. Kept her back to him.
“I’m not trying to absolve you from your sins,” he said. “But the person I know? She’s a good friend. And a good granddaughter.”
Makani crossed her arms. Her uninjured arm pressed against her bandage, and she winced and uncrossed them. “I don’t know. I’d like to think I’m a better person now, but for the rest of my life, I’ll always have this question in my mind. I’ll always have doubt. Something could trigger me, and I might snap or freak out again.”
“Well, I know that our regrets change us, and that’s how we grow—for either better or worse. And it seems to me, you’re growing better.”
Makani wasn’t sure what to make of this.
“Hey.” He gave her a small smile. “I’m still here, right?”
“Well, yeah, but—” She cut herself off.
The smile twisted into a knowing smirk. “Ah. But I’m a fuckup, too.”
Makani looked away quickly. He shrugged like it didn’t matter. But he wasn’t looking at her, either. “I’m sorry,” she said.
“It’s fine.” He started moving again. “It’s not like this town can keep a secret.”
She frowned. Stayed put. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I disagree.”
Ollie glanced back over his shoulder, a disbelieving eyebrow raised in her direction. But her expression made him falter.
“I mean, I’ve heard rumors,” she said, “but not even real rumors. Like, rumors of rumors. And I have no idea what’s true and what’s not, so I assume most of it is not.”
He grimaced. “Some of it’s true.”
“I wish you’d tell me.”
There. Another confession. Now that she’d started, she couldn’t stop.
Ollie’s gaze fell to the sidewalk, and the hard exterior cracked, revealing some of the damage underneath. “I’ve wanted to say something, even more since you told us about what you’ve been through, but . . . I didn’t want it to seem like I was comparing my situation to yours or like I thought mine was worse. Or even equal. But I don’t mean to not talk about it. And I know everybody talks about me, anyway.”
“I’d like to hear your version of the story,” Makani said. “Whatever it is.”
Ollie nodded, accepting her confidence. He gestured toward a neon sign behind them, at the opposite end of Main Street from Greeley’s. “You know the Red Spot?”
She did. It was technically a greasy burger joint, but its regulars used it as a bar. And if you weren’t a regular, you didn’t go. The rumor was that you could buy anything there—as long as you were looking for illegal drugs or sex workers.
“After my parents died . . . it messed me up for a few years. When I turned sixteen and got my license, I started hanging out down there. I should have driven somewhere better—somewhere out of town—but there was this girl who worked there. Dark hair, bleeding-heart tattoo. You know, those little pink flowers? Only these were actually dripping blood. I kinda had a thing for her.”
Makani felt a sharp pang of jealousy.
“Everybody there knew who I was. They felt sorry for me, so most of them left me alone. I was like their depressed kid brother. It took weeks of relentless flirting, but I finally got her attention.”
“How old was she?”
“Twenty-three.”
Not as old as the rumors. But way too old for someone who was barely sixteen.
“I guess she pitied me, too.” It seemed to hurt him to admit it. “We hung out at her trailer sometimes and got high.”
“What happened?” Makani asked.
They started walking again. Dried leaves crunched under their shoes.
“Chris found out that we were sleeping together. He was furious. He wanted to arrest her, but . . . words were exchanged first.” In his pause, Makani understood that Ollie’s fight with his brother was still too raw to be spoken aloud. “It was just this whole big, stupid mess. He was still trying to figure out how to be a parent, and I was—I’m not sure what I was trying to figure out.”
“Did he arrest her?”
“No,” Ollie said.
“But I’m guessing you didn’t see her anymore.”
“He forbade me from seeing her, which wouldn’t have worked, except it wasn’t necessary. I think Erika was embarrassed.” Ollie turned his face away from hers. “She didn’t want anything to do with me after that.”
Erika. The name pierced Makani’s heart. “Does she still live here?”
“Yep. Comes into Greeley’s a couple times a month. She’s married now. Cuts hair. We don’t speak,” he added. There was something in his tone.
“You liked her a lot, didn’t you?”
“I thought I loved her. I was an idiot, but that’s what I thought.”
The sadness expanded inside her, enough for the both of them.
“A few days later, I reached the genius and original conclusion that life was shit. I drank two forties and waded into the river. I was going to kill myself.”
Makani sucked in her breath. She’d been severely depressed, but she’d never been suicidal. It was upsetting to learn that Ollie had stood so close to the edge.
“I stumbled and fell,” he said, “and as I was flailing in the water, realizing that I didn’t want to die, the manager of Sonic drove past. By some miracle, the guy saw me. He pulled over and dragged me out. The river was only a few feet deep—I was just scared and wasted.” Ollie gave a regretful laugh. “It’s probably the real reason I hate Sonic. Reminds me of my dumb-ass self.”
An old pain distorted within Makani as she pictured Jasmine vanishing, also scared and wasted, into a different body of water. The situations were so different, yet eerily similar. She didn’t have the strength to let her thoughts linger there. “Well, it makes me like Sonic more. I’m glad he saw you. I’m glad you’re still here.”
Ollie bit his lip ring. “I’m glad you’re still here, too.”
Recalling a rumor associated with the river, Makani blurted, “Were you naked?”
He glanced at her with surprise. “What? Do people say that?”
She nodded guiltily.
“No,” he said. “In that particular brush with death, I had my clothes on.”
It was so tragic and absurd that it made them both laugh. “I can’t believe that happened,” she said.
Ollie shook his head in amazement. “I know.”
“You were naked.”
“I know.”