Raleigh
Amy and I went from her apartment to the A&P. It was late, and as we walked back through the parking lot to the car, an old woman approached and asked us for a ride home. Her name was Eunice, and she settled into the backseat, saying, “Don’t worry, baby. I ain’t gonna sit on your tapes.”
On our way to her place she pointed out landmarks—the Johnsons’ house, for instance. She told us that for years she worked as their housekeeper but lost the job when she had to go to New York and check on some furniture.
Eunice said we looked like nice people. That’s why she’d asked us for a ride.
“You look nice too,” we said. And she promised us that she was.
When we dropped her off, Eunice told us that we should come back in the summertime and visit her. She pointed to a space in her dark yard and told us that in warm weather that’s where we could find her, sitting under the yum-yum tree.
February 1, 1985
Chicago
There is a blind black fellow who comes into the IHOP once a week and has a friend who is also blind. Neither of them wears dark glasses, and one of them speaks very formally. Tonight a Bill Withers song came over the sound system, and the one guy said to the other, “It may interest you to know that we can expect a new LP from this gentleman in the near future.”
When his chicken arrived, the waitress, Barbara, cut it up for him.
February 8, 1985
Chicago
There was a man at the IHOP tonight who had on two hats at the same time. The base was a stocking cap, and over it was a red floppy thing a woman might wear to a garden party. The waitress, Mary, ignored the guy at first. Then she took his order but made him pay in advance. He wanted coffee with his eggs, and when, after ten minutes or so, he still hadn’t gotten it and asked politely when it might arrive, Mary snapped at him and said that she was busy, OK? It made me uncomfortable to watch her be so rude.
Had she had trouble with him in the past? Did it have anything to do with his two hats?
February 16, 1985
Chicago
Tonight I saw police and an ambulance on the corner of Irving and Sheridan. There was a man lying on the curb, facedown in the snow. Had he been hit by a car? His shirt and jacket were up above his waist and the crack of his ass was showing. Maybe he was dead. I don’t know for certain.
February 24, 1985
Chicago
Mary at the IHOP has been on a rampage lately, throwing people out left and right. Tonight two men walked in and she pointed to the door, saying, “Beat it!” One of the guys was thin and the other was obese and wore a V-neck sweater that wasn’t long enough to cover his stomach. The thin fellow wore glasses and had been thrown out before.
“You can’t discriminate against us,” he said. Then he asked for Mary’s name.
She refused to give it, and he said he knew the owners of all the IHOP restaurants in America. He said he’d write a letter and she could kiss her job good-bye. Adios.
Mary said that would be fine by her, and when the men took a step closer, two cops seated at a rear table intervened and told them that they had to leave.
“Yeah,” Mary said to the larger of the two men, “get the hell out of here, fatso.”
July 10, 1985
Chicago
The meal on my flight back from Raleigh was a kind of Oriental barbecue. Across the aisle were two men who complained about having to sit in the back of the plane. They said it was unfair that the niggers got to sit in the front. One of the men had three bourbon and waters. Before we landed, the stewardesses used pincers to hand out hot towels that smelled like they’d been steamed in a dishwasher.
July 28, 1985
Chicago
Odd family at the IHOP tonight. A big, loud husband who announced when he came in that his wife was pregnant and needed some pancakes. Barbara came to take his order and he gave her the once-over. “Looking good, looking good!” He put an arm around his young son and said that eating dinner with his family was one of the greatest joys of a man’s life.
My favorite couple sat not far away. They’re old, and it took me months to figure out if they were a man and a woman or two women. Now I know that they’re brother and sister. The two are very kind and always ask after Barbara’s health. Tonight the brother ordered chocolate chip pancakes. Then he picked up the syrup and asked if you pour it over the top, as if he’d never seen a pancake before.
The family man, meanwhile, called out for more butter.
“I’ve got some here I’m not using,” the old brother said. “Needless to say, you probably wouldn’t want to eat off someone else’s plate. It’s clean, though. I haven’t touched it.”
“That’s OK,” the family man said. It was interesting how he changed over the course of the meal. As they left he scolded his wife for leaving a big tip. Then he turned to his young son and said, “She just loves to throw my fucking money away.”
July 29, 1985
Chicago
Tiffany has moved in with a piano player named Mike. They’re living in Queens and selling cocaine to make money. Before this she worked at Macy’s for a Belgian chocolate company. I think hers is what you call a checkered career.
August 17, 1985
Chicago
I saw an interview with one of the few surviving passengers of the Delta Flight 191 crash—a woman. She had been visiting with a friend in the smoking section when they went down. Being in the back of the plane saved her life. On the news, she said, “I’m going to start smoking and stop flying.” She had a cigarette in her hand and was holding it awkwardly, like the beginner she is.
August 26, 1985
Phoenix, Arizona
Ted’s mother is in love with Lorne Greene and has watched all of his television programs, even Battlestar Galactica. Now she lives from one Alpo commercial to the next.
Here are a few of the Yellow Pages listings under Cactus:
Cactus Camera
Cactus Carpet
Cactus Car Wash
Cactus Catering
Cactus Candy Company
Cactus Chemical Company
Cactus Animal Hospital
Cactus Beverage
Cactus Vending
Cactus Preschool
Cactus Air-Conditioning
Cactus Wren Party Goods
Cactus Wren Mobile Park
Cactus Wren Drain & Sewage
September 8, 1985
Chicago
The woman we’ve started refinishing woodwork for keeps a load of reading materials in a basket beside the toilet. These include Crochet Fantasy, Charisma (“For Dynamic Spirit-Filled Living”), Medical Abstracts Newsletter, Farm Computer News, and Jackpotunities.
On the street, a prostitute in a jean jacket asked if I wanted a good date. I’m always amazed when they mistake me for a straight man.
Tonight at the IHOP I overheard Mary talking to a policeman. She started by saying that she hates Africans. They’re demanding, she claimed, and they don’t know how to drive. She said that she stands behind South Africa and hopes they do not change their policies. She’s maybe thirty, Mary, short and pretty with an athletic walk.
September 9, 1985