“I DON’T GET it—isn’t this what you wanted the whole time? Why do you sound so sad?” Madison took a sip of red wine from the long-stemmed glass in her hand and set it down on the hot tub ledge. Between the two of them, they had already drunk three-fourths of the bottle of 2012 Chateau Margaux they’d found in George’s wine cellar earlier that night. He was out of town on a business trip, and judging from his large stock, he’d probably never even notice that one—or a couple—bottles were missing. After the first sip, they both agreed this was exceptionally better than the Sutter Home they usually downed on girls’ nights.
Laura leaned her head back on the ledge and sunk down into the water, dampening the loose hair at the nape of her neck. Her face felt numb, which was usually the first sign that she was drunk. Once, during junior year, she’d poked a fork into her cheek to prove that she’d lost all feeling there. Now every time she had too much to drink, Madison would go around yelling, “Hide the forks, y’all—Laura’s drunk!”
She pulled her knees to her chest. “I guess I’m just . . . confused?”
Madison poured the rest of the bottle of wine into Laura’s glass. “Tell me everything,” she said, handing the goblet to her friend.
Laura took a long sip. “You know those movies that show what a person’s life woulda been like had they done something slightly different? Like, how one decision changes everything?”
“Yeah,” Madison said, adjusting the black strap on her bikini. “I totally understand. You’re wondering if you woulda won Homecoming Queen if you hadn’t worn that feather dress.” She shook her head. “Honey, we’ve all contemplated that one, too.”
“Oh, shut up!” Laura said, splashing water into Madison’s face. She giggled as her friend exaggeratedly wiped the water from her eyes. “Seriously, though . . . I love Brian, I do. But what if we hadn’t gotten married when we did? What if we had waited?” She took another sip of her wine. “Lately, I’ve just been going down this tunnel of what-ifs? Would I have been happier if I’d just stayed in school in the first place?”
Madison put her glass down and leveled a stare at Laura. “Laur . . . are you not happy?”
A cloud moved over the moon and an owl hooted loudly in a nearby tree. Finally, Laura spoke. “I just wonder how my life would be different if I’d waited. If I’d thought more seriously about it . . . I’m not sure I would’ve made the same decision.”
Madison’s eyes widened. “Did something happen? What made you feel this way?”
Laura sighed. “It’s just been the hardest year of my life.”
“So, there were a few bumps, but he’s getting the surgery now, and things will be back to normal. What’s the big deal?” Madison took another sip of wine.
“The big deal is that I was happy for him—so happy. But I realized I wasn’t happy for me.” She sighed. “He gets his dream, but is it enough? I want more than to just to follow him around like a little puppy dog.”
Madison shook her head. “I’m so confused—isn’t that what you wanted to do? Wasn’t that your plan? You were so set on getting married. Brian’s dreams were your dreams.”
“I was seventeen, Mads. I don’t think I knew what I wanted,” she admitted quietly.
“Does this have anything to do with that Vinny guy?” Madison grabbed her cigarettes from the ledge.
“Vince?” Laura asked, massaging her forehead. The wine was starting to give her a headache.
“Yeah, that nerd that you always hang out with at school.” Madison lit her cigarette, the end glowing a bright red in the darkness.
Laura thought about Vince for a second, his supportive nature and the ability to make her laugh on cue—she couldn’t remember the last time Brian had said something funny. Being with Vince did make her wonder sometimes what life would be like had she ended up with someone other than Brian. “Do you worry that George isn’t who you’re supposed to be with?” Laura asked instead. “Do you wonder what your life would be like if you were to marry Cash instead?”
Madison inhaled deeply, letting the smoke trickle from her mouth in long tendrils. “That’s a different situation,” she said, not quite meeting Laura’s eye. “And Cash Romero’s never gonna be able to give me the things George does.”
Laura looked up at the starry night, her eyes focusing in on the Big Dipper. “But what if he could one day? What if Cash becomes a huge rock star and makes ten times more money than George? Are you still going to be happy with your decision to marry George?”
Madison squirmed in the water. “Listen, I don’t know what you’re so worried about. Brian’s set—he’s gonna be rich and famous. You made the right decision.”
Laura leaned her head back. “I’m not worried about Brian’s future.” She sighed. “I’m worried about mine.”
31
gabrielle
GABBY SAT IN her car as the rain poured down, pummeling her roof. In front of her, the Barton Correctional Facility stood under a gray-colored sky. She had driven all the way out there this morning, positive that she’d be able to make a decision about Tony if she could see her mom in person. But instead of going inside, she’d been sitting here for hours, lost in thought.
Gabby knew Elaine was miserable in the prison, even more so than she let on. Elaine always had a habit of pretending things were better than they actually were. Like the time when Gabby was in third grade and their car had broken down, but Elaine didn’t have the money to fix it. She spent three months walking Gabby a mile to school, under the guise of trying to get in some more exercise. Or when they heard that Gabby’s dad, who split almost right after she was born, had settled down two towns over and was raising a new family. Instead of getting upset about it, Elaine had simply lifted her chin, said, “Sure do feel sorry for that woman,” and never discussed it again. So, in all likelihood, when Elaine said everything inside the prison was “fine,” she probably meant, “hellish, but I’m getting through it.” And Gabby had the ability to change that.
But on the other hand, did Elaine deserve to be released six years early? Mom’s in jail for a reason, she reminded herself as thunder rumbled in the distance. She had committed a serious crime and was paying the price for her actions. What she did was wrong, and it had cost Gabby her college career, so why should Gabby sacrifice more of her life to get Elaine out of there? Gabby rested her head on the steering wheel, thinking about the first time she’d gone to visit her mom in jail.
Gabby had been so livid with her mom that it had taken her six months to go see her. The meeting had started out awkwardly, neither of them really knowing what to say. Gabby’s last words to her mother after the sentencing had been, “I’ll never forgive you,” and the words seem wedged between them now. She and Elaine had been so close. It was always the two of them against the world, so the distance felt disorienting. Gabby, trying to fill in the silence during their first visit, had started talking about the weather.