come up with one good
reason for a complete
stranger to contrive such
a complicated deception,
so I guess she must be for real.”
She’s totally for real, Air.
You should’ve seen the look on her face when she saw you standing there in front of the gym. I thought she was going to pass out.
She seriously couldn’t believe she was that close to you.
He stops to assess my sudden, unbidden scowl. Whoa. Wait.
You’re not mad I said that, are you?
Wow
Everyone’s tiptoeing
around me. Way to go,
me. Ariel. Casey.
Whoever. This is not
how you treat friends.
“Gabe? I’m sorry I’ve been so bitchy, okay? I really don’t know how to process this. To have every single thing you believe about
yourself be proven a lie?”
But that’s not exactly true. You’re still the same warm, funny, sexy-as-hell girl inside. No one knows who they are at seventeen.
Or eighteen, or nineteen or maybe ever, for that matter.
My dad used to say you learn something new every day.
If that’s true, don’t you change a little every time? How can you learn something new and still be the same?
“I don’t know. But ‘new’ and counterintuitive are two
different things. I prefer new.”
As Accurate
As my response is,
his question
is valid.
I understand
that while
the definition
of the external
me
seems to
have changed,
intrinsically,
I’m the same
person I was
prior to . . .
yesterday.
How
is
that
even
possible?
Fortuitously
We’ve reached the Triple G and I can think
about what I’ve got to do now instead of what
might come afterward.
Gabe asks for the key
to the Focus, promises
to extricate it from the ditch, then continues to the house.
Hillary is a lucky girl.
I arrive at the barn
with five minutes to spare.
Max, who has already saddled a bay gelding, can’t help but notice my gorgeous face.
Boy, I hope whoever did that to you got it worse.
“Actually, my steering wheel looks a whole lot better than I do. It was just a little accident.”
He’s unconvinced, but lets it go. You okay to ride?
Superfly there is raring to go.
“How can I turn him down?
No worries. I’ll be fine.”
The horse’s name totally fits.
Wind sharp through my hair, we circle the big paddock on a well-used track. Trot to warm up, urge him into a lope, and after once around, when I give him his head we are, indeed, flying. The syncopation
of his gait; the warm puffs of his exhales into the chill air; the rising scent of horse as he works up a sweat.
These things make sense, and I’m grateful for their logic.
Slow him, walk him to cool the heat of his exertion.
Return him to Max, who has a sorrel filly ready to ride.
We work like this for two-plus hours, and this time when I return the young
stallion, Hillary’s waiting to talk with me. “Okay to take a short break?” I ask Max.
He grins. If my boss there says so, and I imagine she does.
I Hand Over the Reins
And go to join Hillary,
who’s sitting on a soft bale of straw. She takes a good, long look at my face, winces.
Gabe told me what happened.
I’m so, so sorry, Ariel. Oh, by the way, he’s meeting the tow truck at your car. As long as it’s okay to drive, they’ll drop it off here for you.
A sudden thought crosses
my mind. “How much do you
think it will be? I don’t have any money to speak of, and—”
Don’t worry. I’ll cover it.
You can pay me back whenever.
In fact, if you need a few dollars to hold you over till you get paid, I’m happy to loan it to you.
“Wow, Hillary, that’s really nice. I’ll let you know if I do.”
Okay. But, listen. I . . . uh . . . wanted to talk to you about Gabe and me.
I know you two had a thing, and since I’ll be seeing a lot of you here with the horses— “Hey. Don’t worry. I’m cool with it. Gabe and I are just friends, okay?” I don’t feel the need to confess anything about special privileges,
even though her expression
tells me she definitely knows.
That’s what Gabe said, but I wanted to hear it from you.
He also mentioned your mom showing up after the game.
That must have been a shock.
“Hillary, that is a major
understatement. I truly
believed I’d never see
my mother again, and
honestly, I never wanted
to. I’m still not sure I do.
The only thing I feel
for her is resentment.”
Even as the words leave
my mouth, I hear how
cold they must sound
to an outsider. Will I
ever thaw all the way out?
Hillary Nods Understanding
But now she says simply,
I’d give anything for a little more time with my mom.
She doesn’t add the part
about that being impossible,
but she doesn’t have to.
I get what she’s trying to tell
me. “I know, and I wish it were
in my power to give that to you.”
Instead, I’ll just give her my
not-quite-a-boyfriend. “As far
as my mother, we’re supposed