“Why would I hate you more? What is it?”
“I’m going to tell you a whole lot of shit you won’t want to hear, baby.”
He stays calm. Me? I’m not calm. Who knows what I am anymore?
I see him, though. Clear as a crystal blue day. He’s fighting against himself. The hurt and anger mix together, creating a war of guilt, fear, and desperation. I should feel gratified he’s struggling within himself; instead, I sit here not knowing what to expect from a man I’m still very much in love with. A man I will always love. A man who has done nothing but degrade, destroy, and insult that love. My husband is about to hurt me all over again.
Chapter Seven
Cain
The last thing I want to do is what I’m doing now. She won’t listen. This is the only way I know how to make her. I’ve decided I’m done hiding this situation that is out of my control, beyond her wildest human comprehension.
I have no damn clue if guilt and shame are the same thing. All I do know as I sit here is that I can’t even look at her. She’s crying again. The sound destroys the last bit of resolve I have left.
I study her openly. She’s emotional and distressed, just as I need her to be, but it’s going to be tough to stress how important it is for her to listen to me when all I can hear are those pleading noises coming from her.
I look down at my hands. Running them along her smooth legs a moment ago made me feel so alive, yet peaceful at the same time. How badly I wanted to leave my hands on her, to let her beauty and softness penetrate deep into me. To be able to run my tongue up her body, letting her melt into my mouth. I wanted to continue my exploration. Glide my fingers higher, then slide them under her skirt. Feel her thighs clench and tingle from my touch. She is, hands down, the most beautiful creation I have ever seen.
It’s hard as hell not to let my fingers run over her smooth skin. Trace the outline of those lips I have missed so much. What I wouldn’t do to be able to lean in and kiss her, suck in her oxygen so I could feel like I’m truly breathing for the first time in six years. I love her so much this is killing me. That’s right. I fucking love this woman, and here I sit hurting her, abusing her over and over again.
I look down again in disgust. I’ve never wanted anything in my life, except her. For her to love me. To think about me all day long, counting down the hours until we can be together. For her face to light up the minute I walk through the door. To just be able to be with her, hear her laugh. See her smile. To touch her. Hold her. Hear her say good morning, good night, and I love you, all the things most couples in society take advantage of. Those are my wants, but I’m afraid after all of this is said and done, those wants will become a distant fantasy.
I have a damned mole around here. They’ve most likely already told that * ass Kryder she’s here, which means she needs to stay by my side. We can both pretend all we want that we hate each other. Let everyone believe it. But behind these walls, or whenever we are alone, I will prove to her how much she means to me. How much I love her above anyone or anything else.
I’m not dumb enough to believe they will think it, but Calla needs to believe that if the mole thinks I don’t give two shits about her, then Kryder will stay the hell away from her and so will whoever he has working on the inside. It may be the one thing that will save her life.