“You want to let me explain?” He argues calmly, brushing away the strands of hair that had fallen from my ponytail.
“It was my choice, and it was the best decision I ever made in my life. If given the chance, I’d always choose you and our kids over that life. But, that life was a part of me for so long, A. It’s all I knew, all I know. Until now, since your father turned himself in, there has been one situation after another pulling me back in—keeping me in the game even if it’s just sitting on the sidelines waiting for Jack to call me and tell me he needs information or for me to rough someone up for him. I thought your father’s organization was being phased out, I didn’t know the whole time he was preparing Rocco to take the reins. There is no place for me in that world anymore and it got me thinking about how I don’t know life without the mob. I’ve always had my hand in something and now there isn’t anything left.”
He pauses, letting his hands travel down my arms, lacing our fingers together as he continues to stare at me.
“Even Jack’s been reminding me I don’t have a place within that life anymore. The only reason I made a move when the Red Dragons attacked the MC was because that shit was personal. They shot my sister and forced my nephew to be born before his time, if it wasn’t for Riggs coming to me, well, I wouldn’t have been involved in taking them down either.”
Lifting my fingers to my temple, my head pounds from all he has laid out for me and I begin to knead my fingers against my skin.
“Are you telling me you want a patch now? That you’re going to buy a Harley? Because I’m telling you right now I will not be called an old woman. I am not okay with that,” I insist, dropping my fingers from my head. “That’s Lauren’s gig, not mine.”
He grins at me.
That wicked grin of his that makes my insides melt every single time. All these years later, I’m still a sucker for that cocky grin and those eyes. Man, those eyes, so cold and uninviting to everyone else, but to me they were home.
“I’m pretty sure they call them old ladies,” he corrects, taking hold of my hands again. “And no, I’m not buying a Harley although I wouldn’t mind seeing you on one.” he Winks, smiling faintly before his face grows serious. “I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t know life outside the mob.”
He leans his head against mine.
“You married a criminal, baby, that shit don’t fade,” he whispers, pressing his lips to mine fleetingly. “And while I’m not proud of it, I’m not sure I know how to be an upstanding citizen.” He lets out a breathy laugh before glancing around the gym. “I mean is this it?”
Cocking my head to the side, I wrap my arms around his neck and absorb his words. I understood that. The uncertainty of who you are. I feel it all the time and never voice it.
“I feel like a fucking pussy for even saying this,” he admits, before leveling me with a stare. “I love you. I love our kids and the life we made and I don’t want you to ever doubt that. You are everything I ever wanted and I have no regrets. Not a single one.”
“I get it,” I whisper, reaching up to thread my fingers through his black hair. “And I think what you’re feeling is as natural as breathing. You’re happy with your life but if you’re not a husband and father, who are you? I ask myself that every day, I just never thought enough to tell you. I ask myself, who am I, if I’m not Victor Pasture’s daughter, Anthony Bianci’s wife and Luca and Victoria’s mom. I mean, I don’t even have a job. I’m Adrianna Bianci, wife and mother, but then what?”
“And that’s not enough?”
“It is now, but will it always be?” I question.
I thought saying those words made me selfish. There are people who wish for my life, who want nothing more than to find their one true love, marry that person and raise a family. And here I am hoping the happy ending I wanted so badly will be enough for me. But the more I think about it, and think about what Anthony is saying, the more I realize I’m not being selfish, I’m being human.
“Who would’ve thought once we had it all we wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves?” He asks, chuckling slightly as he pulls my head against his bare chest. “You know what?”
“Hmm?” I murmur against his skin, tracing our children’s names with my index finger.
“We have all the time in the world to figure out what we both want out of this life. We’ll figure it out and we’ll do it together,” he promises. “You and me, Reese’s, we’ll get it. We always do.”
“I know that,” I whisper, pulling back a little. “I want you to promise me you won’t shut me out. I want you to remember I know this life just as well as you and that I’ve lived it too. I might not miss it the same way you do but I will always understand it. Remember we both chose our life over that one, and when you’re missing the soldier in you, then you come to me and I’ll remind you why that soldier surrendered.”