“Dad, you’re acting kind of weird. Is it the medication? Do you feel okay?” asked Andrew.
There it was. It wasn’t advice; it was gratitude. “Thank you for giving me a good life,” said Charles, to his children, to his wife whom he had known since she was almost a child. “A beautiful life.” It was becoming harder to focus, and even as his body lay calmly on the bed, his mind skipped frantically above, trying to keep its grasp on the moment. He looked at them, each one of them, locking eyes, and felt a sudden panic. “Daddy doesn’t want to die. Life is too much fun! Always new thing in life!”
Barbra looked at him, tortured. Grace wailed and Andrew put his arms around them all, pleading with his father, “Don’t die. Don’t die. Just don’t! Don’t do it.” Saina got up and ran into the hallway, calling out for the doctor.
Something serious was happening. She was so scared, his daughter.
He had always wondered what would happen after death, and now he would find out. What if death was just a perpetual state of dying? A never-ending fall into a blank forever?
The children. Saina, Andrew, Grace. His wife. Barbra. Their lives unfurled in all directions, skipping out from his hospital bed like pebbles across a lake, all magic and light, bouncing from water to air and back again as he sank under the cold, cold surface. Cold in here. Too many blankets. He must say something to them. Why had they put him in such an ugly bed?
There were other things that he knew. The Indians were just a tribe of early Chinese people who took a long walk across the Bering Land Bridge and ended up in a New World. The true Americans were Chinese! It was too bad it had taken him so long to remember that.
Charles struggled to hold on to the receding world, to the knowledge that his loves, the four of them, were all around.
Love burned bright white in him.
A glow, aglow.
The world began to slip from his grasp.
Earthquakes. Floods. Infidelity. Betrayal. Failure. The fields burn and the next harvest is assured. The world destroys itself and we rebuild it. The destroying is as important as the rebuilding. There can be as much joy in the destruction as the rebirth.
Three. He had three children, blue, green, yellow, each one a pulsing thing.
A glow, aglow.
He had Barbra, another heart outside his own heart. Red.
A glow, aglow.
They still lived. They leaned in over him now and pressed their bodies against his, warm living things. They talked, but he couldn’t hear their words, couldn’t understand what there was to say even though he remembered, still, that words were important to alive people.
His heart was in his skull now. Somehow the hospital had switched the two organs, so that his brain pulsed in his chest and his heart beamed in his head, controlling everything, sending signals out to the rest of his earthbound self. All his life his heart had been trying to get up there, to take its true place at the top of his body, and now it was to have only the briefest of reigns.
The only logical solution was just to do everything while you were alive. He had done so much. Yes! He had discovered an entire land. Yes! America was his. Yes! The whole green land! Yes! China had always been his, and now he had America, too!
The heart thought and the head beat. Boom, boom! Yes, yes!
Charles Wang feels something brush against his face.
Something hard and bright.
The same brightness that started in his heart and traveled down to his brain. He’s about to let it overtake him when he thinks the best thought again: He has discovered an entire land! He can knock down the world and discover it anew!
Charles’s eyes fly open and he sees his children and his love, the entire spectrum of light, arrayed in front of him. They peer down at him and he sees nothing but love love love in their eyes, love that pings out to the heart in his head. Their eyes widen and all his infinite selves are contained within those glistening dark globes.
A doctor in a white coat appears now behind them.
Now, he has to speak now, before there are machines and medicines that put everything back in its place. He has to rebuild himself before the doctor does it for him.
His thoughts are lucid, but it is a struggle to form the words and force them out. They push against each other, each word a fat and slippery thing, until only the important ones remain. And then, finally, the three words he most wants to say wriggle their way through the net and land at the feet of his waiting family.
As Grace and Barbra weep and Andrew clutches his hand and Saina gestures at the doctor to hurry, he smiles at them and watches their faces bloom with relief. He smiles again and pings back their love as hard as he can while also focusing on speaking the truth that he has known for so long, the truth that will make the whole world theirs.
“Daddy discovered America!”
He leans back, triumphant, exhausted. Later, they will learn how to rule the New World but for now, this is enough. This is everything.
Acknowledgments
THANK YOU . . .