“I always keep my eyes on the prize,” says Mireille, obliterating phantom assholes with her ray gun. Wisecracking Vengeful Assassin Girl is incredibly confident, much more so than Female Clerk.
“I suggest you ask nicely,” Mireille says. And, “Well, gentlemen, it’s a lovely day for a picnic.” Someone takes the rubber gun from her. A different voice instructs her to crouch, twist, and lunge. She is told to imagine she is fighting off a series of attackers. There are hundreds of cameras pointed at her, although Mireille isn’t certain if they are all on or not. After a few minutes, it doesn’t matter. Everyone is watching, but no one is present. The absence of anything to react to or observe gives her energy. She is violent and inviolate and cannot be violated. She stops imagining herself. The Velcro bodysuit and fuzzy balls and reflector tape are camouflage; underneath them she might be anyone. She is surrounded by shadows and darkness; she might be anywhere. Who can judge her? She can’t even judge herself: she’s not really here. She’s the only one here. She’s all cause and no effect and she’s special effect with no cause at all. This is like how you want sex to be, but never sort of is. She is sorry when they tell her to stop.
A voice thanks her. She is helped out of her suit and given another nondisclosure form to sign, even though she has no idea what the hell just happened anyway.
In the car on the way home, Mireille imagines getting the part of Female Clerk, showing up on set, meeting the famous actor who is playing Tomas, the famous actor playing Tomas falling in love with her, the director telling her that they’ve decided to give Female Clerk a few more scenes, or the director telling her afterward that he knows Female Clerk was beneath her, but he needed someone absolutely amazing in the scene, he had something else in mind for her, something much bigger. Incredible roles, awards, fame quickly follow. Female Clerk becomes a funny bit that she describes during interviews.
By the time Mireille turns onto her street, she’s gotten bad reviews, the roles dry up, people make fun of her online, she’s dumped by the actor playing Tomas, she accidentally runs over a seven-year-old girl while inebriated, makes a racial slur during the subsequent arrest, and never works again. Mireille’s fantasy life is prone to these catastrophic reversals.
Mireille is supposed to go out tonight with friends from her acting class. She would like to hold on to her day, this feeling that she is on the cusp of success, a humble working actor, a real artist, instead of letting it all be subsumed in one long evening of screaming “What?” over the music and trying to sit on a chair in such a way that it wouldn’t weal her bare thighs. At a certain point her desire to shine will be matched with her awareness of her insignificance, and then there will be one margarita too many. Mireille settles with herself that she will not make that mistake tonight. She will distinguish herself by being the girl who is not trying to be that girl.
The green light that indicates a new message from her mother is glowing on her Prime laptop. Prime had given all the immediate family members their own computers, outfitted with special software for sending and receiving emails and videos. This is meant to be helpful, protect privacy, and safeguard proprietary Prime technology. Mireille has joked to her friends that when she’s not using the laptop, she puts a towel over it because she knows it has a built-in motion sensor device and suspects the thing is following her every move. In fact, she often puts it in her closet, under a blanket.
The message on her Prime screen is from her mother.
10-25, 11:30 pm (Eidolon time)
Dear Meeps,
First off, CONGRATULATIONS!!! on getting an acting agent! Wonderful! I can’t wait to hear more about that. “Break a leg!” I also liked hearing about that “scene” you did in your acting class. You really made me laugh with all those descriptions and you’re such a good writer. (No surprise there.)
A few late nights here, as we had a few software issues and had to delay our third trajectory correction maneuver, but we’re “pointed in the right direction” now and everything is running smoothly. We have a joke that when things go wrong, Yoshi conceptualizes a better system, I pick up a wrench and whack something, and Sergei decides that whatever isn’t working is “not essential.” But three heads are definitely better than one, and we got it solved.
Hope you are having a great week! I am listening to some of the music you gave me and it gives me extra “go” during exercises. You’re really helping me out!
I was also very happy to hear that you were able to get some time off work and can spend Christmas with Hillary and the family. Hopefully, they will have some snow in New York and you can have a white Christmas. (No snow in Los Angeles, I bet!) Don’t forget to take your Prime laptop so we can message each other, and take lots of pictures!
Lots of love, Mom
Mireille fingers the silver star around her neck.