“I don’t understand. Why’d you want to break up with him in the first place? I know the men in our family try not to like him despite themselves, but I think he seems lovely. And pretty devoted to you.”
“That’s the problem!” I felt the cold, bitter tears forming in my eyes, and I didn’t care if they froze my face. They needed to come out. “Dash likes. I…love.”
“Oh, honey.” Mom wiped the tears from my face and pulled me to her for a hug. “Did you tell him that?”
“I tried. Once. It was like he didn’t hear me. And he never said it back. And it hurts so much to love someone who doesn’t love you back, Mom!” It was such a relief to just say it out loud. Already I felt better, despite how bruised my heart was.
“Honey, I know you’re hurting, but think about it. Is saying ‘I love you’ really what defines a relationship? It’s the actions, not the words.”
“But Dash is a man of words!”
Mom’s face reflected the bitter truth of my comment. “That’s true,” she admitted. “But how do you know he doesn’t feel the same way about you? Maybe he thinks you already know. It seems obvious to everyone else.”
I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better. It was nice. I appreciated her comfort, even though it was misguided. “I can’t talk to him about it!”
“But why not? He’s your boyfriend. I don’t understand.”
It took a moment to finally admit the real truth. “Because then he’ll just see what a clingy, insecure mess I am.”
“I’d hardly call you that.”
“That’s what I feel like! I used to feel sorry for girls who went all stupid when they got boyfriends. Now I’ve become one of those girls! One who needs him to tell her he loves her because she’s so neurotic she has to hear it from him to feel, like, validated in her feelings for him. I hate that!” I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I’d never confided in my mom like this before. Those drunk Santas must have infected me with their lack of restraint. Mom laughed. “There’s nothing funny about this,” I reminded her.
“I know,” she said, down-turning her lips to a neutral, serious position. “It’s just that you’re reminding me of when I was first going out with your dad, and starting to have deep feelings for him. We’d been dating for a few months, and then out of nowhere, I turned brutally cold and broke up with him. I didn’t want to let him in that close.”
“And your family is a lot of baggage to bring to somebody,” I said. My other fear with Dash: My family. His family.
“There’s that,” Mom allowed. “It took a while before I invited him to Christmas, and to meet aunts and uncles and cousin after cousin. He still hasn’t recovered from the shock of the sheer numbers of us.”
“Dash’s family is toxic.”
“That doesn’t mean he is.”
“I know. But it’s unsettling to see how mean his parents are to each other. What if he turns out like his dad?”
“As much as I haven’t been ready for you to have a boyfriend, I’m giving this one to Dash. He’s nothing like his dad. Except for the color of his eyes.”
“But Dash’s eyes are so beautiful!” I was ready to sob again.
“What do you really want from me, Lily? For me to talk you into or out of this relationship?”
“I want Dash to know what to say and what to do! I want him to know to take me to see Corgi & Bess and make it special. I want him to not just bring me a Christmas tree but stay awhile and stop time to be just with me.” It was like I wasn’t even talking to Mom anymore. I ranted, “Don’t just show me you adore me. Tell me you love me, or break up with me and put me out of this misery of wanting to give my whole heart to you and you just being like, ‘Oh, what a cute Lily heart you are so na?vely holding out to me. You don’t mind if I throw it on the ground and stomp all over it, do you?’?”
Mom paused, and I think she was trying to suppress a laugh, but she at least made a face like she was waiting so she could formulate a thoughtful response. Finally, she said, “First of all, it’s not fair to expect Dash to be psychic about what you really want from him. Second, and this is just a broader piece of advice for you about anyone you might date, but any male who automatically knows how to tick off all the items on your female wish-fulfillment list is too good to be true. It’s not natural to their species, and you should find it highly suspicious if he does. Third, if you feel so strongly about him, I think it’s your responsibility to be honest with him about it and not wait for him to tell you something he has no idea you’re waiting to hear.”
“But what if Dash doesn’t feel the same way?”
“That’s a risk you have to take. This is one of those moments when you get to decide who you want to be. It’s like an awkward, uncomfortable growth spurt, but one that ultimately moves you in a definitive direction. Are you going to be someone who takes charge of her feelings and her actions, even if the outcome might hurt, or someone who lets herself be unhappy simply because she won’t ask for what she wants?”