Obviously, I don’t have a clue either. I would tell him we’ll figure it out as we go along, except that seems unlikely. ‘Cheer up,’ I say. ‘Maybe it’ll all turn out to be nothing. Maybe you’ll give Rory a nudge tomorrow and he’ll confess on your shoulder. Bring tissues.’
Steve takes a deep breath and runs a hand down his face. ‘It could be nothing. Right? It could. Breslin was shagging Aislinn, he went down there late Saturday night looking for his hole and found her dead, and he freaked out. Like anyone would. The rest is coincidence and rubbish. It could be.’
‘It could, yeah.’ It isn’t.
‘It could. This is all fairy tale. There’s no solid evidence; it’s all maybe-what-ifs.’
He’s grinning at me, but the grin is a complicated one. Steve knows some, at least, of what’s gone on in my head over the last few hours. He’s here anyway.
‘Yeah yeah yeah,’ I say. It comes out easy, but he’s right, and it catches at me in places I can’t see. ‘Your money’s still on the big bad drugs gang, is it?’
‘Jesus,’ Steve says. The grin is fading. ‘I actually wish that had panned out. Just to keep our lives simple.’
‘Ah, no. If our lives were simple, I’d still be bitching about it, and you’d be bitching about me bitching about it. This is way better.’
He makes a helpless sound somewhere between a laugh and a groan. ‘God. All that shite with the fifty-quid notes . . .’
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘All that shite.’ All Breslin’s fancy hints that he was on the take: all to give me and Steve a nice dead end to chase. The first day, when I asked the whole squad room who had run Aislinn through the system, McCann must’ve shat a brick. First chance he got, he grabbed Breslin and the two of them came up with something that would account for the check on Aislinn, account for anything else we found that linked her to them, keep us occupied till Breslin could break Rory, and lead us exactly nowhere. Breslin must’ve had fun, muttering darkly into his phone, layering on the obvious fake stories about stopping off for a shag to let us dig out the non-obvious fake story underneath, watching us lick it all up.
And now I know exactly why Breslin threw away his red herring, this morning. It wasn’t because he could tell I was ready to jump. It was because when he got back in from interviewing Rory’s exes, his pocket floater – and if that wasn’t Reilly, I’m gonna find out who it is – told him that me and Steve had had a row and Steve had walked out. Breslin knew I was the one who’d been closer to sold on Rory from the start, he made an educated guess that that had been a big part of the row, and he knew I’d be itching to have the last word on Steve. And to help me do exactly that, he had the CCTV evidence of Rory stalking Aislinn. He dropped the bent-cop bullshit and played hard to that, aiming to get Rory arrested fast and to keep me and Steve apart till the file had gone to the prosecutors.
And me, I was so busy bracing myself to fight anyone who was out to sink me or own me or generally use me as his very own dollhouse dolly, it never occurred to me that this might not be about me to begin with. I skipped right off with the nice man waving candy – Steve did too, in his own way – and if that cocky fuck hadn’t been hanging around outside my gaff, or if I hadn’t made myself ring Steve, or if Steve was a very slightly different guy, we wouldn’t be sitting here.
‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘For coming down.’
‘You’re all right. There was nothing decent on the telly.’
I kind of want to say sorry, but explaining what I’m apologising for and not apologising for would take too much hassle and embarrassment and overall shite. Steve might be thinking the same thing, I don’t know. Instead I get the whiskey bottle and give us both a refill. We sit there, drinking, while the stuff we should probably be saying out loud gets itself done in the silence.
‘Fuck me,’ I say, suddenly realising. ‘I’m half English.’
‘And you’re middle-class,’ Steve says. ‘Next time you go home, you’re going to get the shite kicked out of you.’
‘Shh. Nobody has to know.’
‘They’ll smell it off you.’
‘Seriously,’ I say. I’m looking at him. ‘Nobody has to know.’
Steve gives me a straight look back. ‘They won’t.’
‘Good.’
‘Unless someone else talks. Do you know how your man tracked you down?’
‘He got my address off Crowley,’ I say. The taste of that makes me finish my whiskey. ‘I need to sort the little wankstain before he blabs.’
‘He’s not a problem. We’ll do it tomorrow.’
The we sounds good. ‘It’s gonna be a long day.’
‘Yeah.’ Steve takes a deep breath, throws back the last of his drink and head-shakes away the burn. ‘I’ll head. Get some rest for this one.’
‘You’re over the limit. Get a taxi, come get the car tomorrow.’
‘I’ll start walking, pick one up along the way. Clear my head.’ He stands up and pulls on his coat. ‘Are you coming to Rory’s with me?’
‘Yeah, I’ll come. He still thinks I’m OK. Early, like seven? You need to get back in time for your date with Breslin.’
He nods. Breslin’s name doesn’t even bring back an echo of that horrified look; we’re somewhere out on the other side of that. ‘Seven works.’
He doesn’t ask – even after me calling him for help because there’s a nasty man outside my house, he doesn’t ask – whether I’m gonna be OK on my own, or whether I want him to stay. If I was a totally different person, I might hug him or some shit for that.
‘Text me when you’re home,’ I say, instead. ‘Let me know you got in OK.’
Steve rolls his eyes. ‘No one’s lying in wait to jump me.’
‘I know that, you spa. But I’m the one who dragged you out. I feel responsible. You want to get yourself jumped on your own time, go for it.’
‘Thanks a lot.’ He grins at me, wrapping his scarf around his neck. ‘I’ll text you.’
When he’s gone I take my laptop to bed and shoot some Nazis. I don’t even have to stop myself thinking about all the shit on my lengthening list of shit I don’t want to think about. My mind is done for the night, shorted out; there’s nothing left but a dial tone.
It’s half an hour before my phone beeps. Home safe. See you tomorrow.
I text back Yeah, see you then. Night. I crash out practically before I can put down the phone.
Chapter 14
Waking up the next morning feels like waking up the morning after moving house, switching squad, dumping someone: you know the world’s changed, even before you remember how. The air has a different flavour to it, sharp and strange and resiny, a chilly bite at the edges. Even before you remember, you know to watch your footing with today.
I run like a machine, through the dark and the fine hanging haze of rain. This morning my body works like something separate from me, running itself perfectly with no need for any input. I push it, faster and farther than normal, and I’m not even winded. My mind can only see one step ahead: getting to Rory’s place. Beyond that there’s nothing.
Steve is early, quarter to seven, but I’m ready: caffeinated, fed, showered and dressed. I doubt anyone’s watching my gaff, but when Steve knocks I practically reef him inside all the same, just in case.