“I’m not saying you should.”
“I had a vested interest in this case,” she said, thinking of Nolasco. “It was my investigation and yeah, you know, sometimes they are personal. Aren’t some of your cases more personal than others?”
“Sure, but in what percentage of those investigations that you make personal is the victim a young woman?”
“A lot,” she said. “Because a lot of the people abducted and killed are young women. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about that.”
“When it’s your case, I don’t think there’s anything you need to do about it. I’m sure it motivates you to do a better job. But when it’s not your case and you make bad decisions, then I think you have to question your motivation.”
“All I did was follow up on some things. How is that a bad decision?”
“Your trip to San Bernardino was unauthorized.”
“It wasn’t a business trip.”
“Really?”
“Look, I talked to her while you were in court and passed the information on to the detective taking back the investigation. It’s in his hands now. He gets the credit for good police work. I don’t see that as making a bad decision.”
“So you’re going to let it go?”
“I have to, don’t I?”
They sat in silence. Dan stood. “Okay. I have a few errands to run.”
She knew she was being defensive and she knew Dan was only looking out for her. She also knew she had trouble letting things go. She got up and hugged him. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight about this. Yeah, okay, I feel something for this woman and I wanted to see it through. You’re right. There’s definitely a connection there and I’m pissed we didn’t keep it and I’m sorry if I’m taking that out on you.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I’m a big boy. Listen, I’ll be out most of the afternoon finishing a few things, but we could take the dogs out later when the temperature cools.”
“Sure,” she said. “I’d like that.”
He started inside, then turned back. “Oh, and I talked to my doctor about what we discussed the other day on our run.”
“The vasectomy?”
“He says it can be reversed.”
She knew it was a lot to ask of Dan, not just the procedure, which would be a day or two of pain, but the lifetime commitment to being a parent. She didn’t want him to feel pressure simply because of her own sudden anxiety that she might never have a child.
“Take me out of the equation for a moment,” she said. “Would you still want to have children?”
“I can’t take you out of the equation,” he said. “I’m in love with you. I wouldn’t do it for any other person. The question is really one you have to answer. I hate to sound like a chauvinist, but since God didn’t give me a uterus, or breasts for that matter, the heavy lifting is going to fall on you for at least the first year. Are you sure you’ve thought this through?”
“I always thought I’d have children,” she said.
“I know,” he said, “and live in Cedar Grove next door to Sarah and we’d all get together on Sundays for barbecues and our children would go to school together.”
She smiled, but a tear escaped the corner of her eye. “You thought about that?”
“We were best friends,” he said, embracing her, “and that was our world. They’re good memories, Tracy. They don’t have to be sad memories. Now we have the chance to make our own memories, together.”
“I’m not sure I deserve that chance,” she said.
He pulled back, looking down at her. “Why would you say something like that? Because of Sarah?”
She fought back tears. “She’s never going to fall in love, Dan, never going to get married or raise children.”
He hugged her. “It wasn’t your fault, what happened to her, Tracy. You know that.”
Yes, she knew it, but that didn’t make her feel better about it. Sarah was always in the back of her mind. “I still think about her—that I never should have let her drive home alone.”
“What do you think Sarah would want for you?”
Tracy wiped her tears; more quickly followed. “I know she’d want me to be happy,” Tracy said.
“Of course she would.”
She wept, head on Dan’s chest. When she’d regained her composure she pulled back and said, “I think it’s like you said the other day, that we shouldn’t take the second step until we’ve taken the first step.”
Dan released her hand. “There’s that proposal again.” He made a goofy face. “I know I’m a stud and all, but really, you’re going to have to sweep me off my feet.”
Tracy laughed and playfully hit his chest.
“Okay,” he said. “We’ll take it one step at a time.” He checked the clock on the inside wall. “I have a few more hours of work and some errands, and when I get back we can take Rex and Sherlock down to the beach?”
Tracy smiled. “I’d like that.”
Just after seven, with the temperature pleasant and a light breeze blowing from the north, Dan loaded Rex and Sherlock into the back of his SUV.
“We’re not going to walk?” Tracy asked.