“Let them,” you said. There would be no arguing.
Still, my hands kept traveling. I left the delicate road of your spine for something softer. Your breasts have always tantalized me, Shizuka; this you well know. Now that I was touching them for the first time, I hardly knew how to contain myself. I kneaded at them as my heart hammered in my chest, as warmth spread throughout me. Burning within me was the desire to be near to you, to burn in your flame, to show you just how much I’d wanted you all these years.
I took your delicate pink nipple in my mouth. As my tongue ran over it, you made the most wonderful sound—a half moan, half whimper. It only drove me on. You took fistfuls of my hair.
As best you could, you rocked your hips against my knee.
I continued worshipping your body. My mouth moved in unspoken prayers at your other breast, your throat, your collarbones. You threw your head back as I kissed you. How you purred, Shizuka! How I treasure that sound above all others still!
“Lie down,” you said.
I did as I was told. And though you were sick, when you positioned yourself over me, I swear I was looking up at the Eternal Sky.
Gods, but the sight of that part of you. It, too, was beautiful—pink and glistening like an orchid slick with dew.
“Shizuka, are you sure?”
“Keep going!”
You fell forward and braced yourself with one shaky arm. With my hair still in your hand, you rode me—a canter at first, then a full gallop. Your wetness covered my mouth and jaw and chin, and I could not get enough of your taste. Again, I licked and suckled; again, I teased your opening. The louder you were, the harder I went.
“Don’t … don’t you dare stop.…”
I could feel you throbbing against my tongue. You tugged my hair so hard, I thought it would fall out; you squeezed my head so tight, I thought it would pop off my neck. When at last you went taut as a bowstring, you spoke my name like a prayer.
I was covered in you. Gods, the smell, Shizuka. How I wish I could smell you again. How I wish I could take a bit of your spirit into me again.
For a few moments, you lay on top of me, catching your breath. Perhaps you shouldn’t be engaging in such strenuous activity in your state. But I could not say I regretted it. How could I ever regret being so close to you?
“Shizuka,” I asked, “was that … did you feel…?”
In response, you rolled over and smiled. If only for an instant, you looked like your old self. You were going to make it. You had to make it now.
But … well, there was another matter to attend to. My inner thighs were slick, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t desperate for you.
You clambered on top of me and bent to kiss me.
I turned away. “You shouldn’t—”
“You’re only a mess because of me,” you said. “Let me kiss you.”
Your kisses were more insistent than mine, and your hands more needy. You grabbed me as if you were going to die in the morning, because there was a very real chance you might. Your long nails left trails wherever they went; your flashing teeth nipped at my nipples and skin. You cupped my bottom and squeezed.
Our eyes met. Your fingers hovered a hairsbreadth away from my center, from the heat between my legs. My breath hitched; I needed you inside me more than I’d ever needed anything in my life.
“Shefali,” you whispered.
I licked my lips. I was so eager, Shizuka. I was the bowstring now, waiting to be fired.
“Before I do this,” you said, “you should know that I’ve loved you since we were children.”
“I love you, too,” I said.
And just like that, your fingertips rubbed against me. Pleasure sank into me like an arrow. I clutched you tight and rode your hand.
“Ready yourself,” you said.
But how could I when I was so overwhelmed? Your fingers slid inside me and I moaned loud enough for all Sur-Shar to hear me. After that, I bit at your shoulder to try to keep quiet.
You thrust your fingers in and out of me, hooking them with each stroke. I moaned into your mouth as the pressure built up at the base of my spine. Soon I was going to explode like Dragon’s Fire, soon I was going to burst, soon I was going to die in your arms and …
And then it all came to a glorious climax, to a small eternity of bliss.
When it was over, I leaned against you slick with sweat. We both needed a bit of time to catch our breaths—to process what we had just done. Women did not do this with other women. I couldn’t think of anyone who’d done such a thing. And even if one of us were a man, we were unmarried. If your uncle tried to find you a husband now …
Yet I could not feel bad about it. If this was not how the gods intended us to live our lives, then I’d rather be executed at your side than never touch you again. Looking at you with your eyes so wide, panting, your chest flushed red, I thought this must be the point of it all.
You were the point.
And you were also the first to speak.
“I see your shy nature does not extend to the bedroom,” you said.
We both laughed. We linked hands underneath the blanket, and I hid my face against your shoulder in mock embarrassment. We stayed that way for a while.
“Thank you,” you whispered. “I’ve wanted to do that with you for some time.”
“Since you saw Aunt Zurgaanqar and Uncle Ganzorig?” I asked.
One night you saw my uncle and aunt rutting. How red you got looking at them, how you stared and sputtered! That was the first time you’d ever seen anything of the sort, you said. No one in Hokkaro spoke of such things.
But here on the steppes, there is no privacy. What goes on between man and wife has long been known to me. Qorin girls are supposed to ease their shy husbands into it.
How amusing, then, that we should be together like this. Was I your shy husband? Or were you mine?
A blush came to your cheek, but you nodded. “I’ve always known I wanted to be with you,” you said. “The same way a child knows who their parents are, so I knew you were the one for me. But I did not know what it meant until…”
I kissed you on the cheek. “You stared.”
“I did,” you said. “Because I wanted so badly to do the same with you.”
You huddled against me. We had done the same now, and we could never go back.
No one could know.
If anyone found out about us, you would not inherit. And much as I loved you, the people of Hokkaro needed you … No, I cannot say they need you more. I need you more than any hundred thousand people put together. But they are the ones to whom you should turn your attention.
Do you pay attention to them now, in my absence?
I did not know what the future held that night. So I held your wasting frame in my arms, and I prayed to every god I knew that we’d wake together in the morning.
*
SURE ENOUGH, I woke before you. The first rosy fingers of dawn turned the blue sky violet. Bright morning stars flickered above our ger; the warm morning air washed against the white felt walls.