The whole table waited for the answer.
“Because I can see in your eyes right now, the exact same look I saw in Freddy’s eyes when I told him we couldn’t see each other anymore: disappointment, anger, sadness. That unique cocktail of emotions that only come about a few times in one’s life. Luke, you look so much like Freddy it kills me sometimes.”
Luke had a pensive look on his face and Callie had never seen him this quiet before.
“The night I was with Freddy was like magic.” She reached out and held Frederick’s hand across the table. “We’d seen each other so many times and he was so familiar to me then, like the piece of me that had been missing for all those years. He was such a gentleman that I couldn’t believe I’d put myself in that position—that I allowed myself to follow my heart without thinking—because I was falling in love with him.”
She offered a shy smile toward him.
“The next morning, in the light of day, I realized what I’d done and I told him we had to end it. Even though I loved him, I told him I’d made the worst mistake of my life out of loneliness, and I regretted how it happened immensely. I left, planning never to speak of it again. Two days later, Edward told me he was coming home. He said he was sorry for not being more sympathetic, that he was just overwhelmed with work, and he promised not to leave me again.” She let go of Frederick’s hand and crossed her arms. “I have held that guilt for so many years and it weighs on me like a cinderblock tied to my heart.”
The rain started sheeting down outside, streaking the windows, the sound on the roof like a crowd at a sporting event. It came down hard and fast like the emotions surrounding them all. The table was silent, but on their faces Callie could see a hundred thoughts at once.
Lillian spoke quietly. “When I found out I was pregnant,” she said in a whisper as a family walked in and sat down in the dining room, “I knew right then I should tell Freddy. It was close enough that Edward wouldn’t question it, and I was terrified to tell him. When I counted the days, I knew exactly when it was, and I couldn’t keep that from Freddy. I arranged to meet him for coffee to figure out what to do.”
Frederick smiled a sad smile. “I remember that day like it was yesterday. You looked so beautiful and I hadn’t thought I would see you again so I was over the moon when you called.”
Lillian looked at him with a comforting expression, her pain at having hurt him obviously still there. She addressed the others: “I told him quietly and then said…” She cringed, the pain slowing down her words. “… that I’d been thinking all the way there, and the best thing for our child would be to have all the opportunities money could buy. Money that Edward could give him, money that Freddy didn’t have. I told him that if I went back to Edward and we raised Luke as our son, however, he could never speak of it again.”
Frederick spoke up. “I said okay. And I left.” The words came out as if they still surprised him today. He rubbed the scruff on his face like he was trying to wipe the anguish off. “I didn’t want to agree to it, but I didn’t feel like I could force what I wanted on Lillian. If she wanted to be with Edward more than me, I just wanted her to be happy. I was young. I didn’t realize at that moment what having a son would mean to me. But it started to sink in pretty quickly. The moment she walked out, I was a mess.”
“I thought I could give him all the love he needed and the money to move him forward in life. But money isn’t always better,” Lillian said. “I should’ve known that right then, but it took me time to realize what I’d done, and when I did, it was too late.” Her voice was breaking and she took a sip of coffee, her hands trembling as she lifted the cup.
Two women came in the door and walked over to the table in the corner, happily hugging the group of people sitting there. It felt like a world away from the table where Callie sat, hurting for this family and for Luke, wishing he’d look at her so she could comfort him, but his eyes were on Lillian, his shoulders high and anxious.
“Freddy wanted to see Luke.” Lillian smiled through her tears at Frederick, now speaking to him. “I said that it wasn’t a good idea, but you’d taken me to Corolla before and I knew how remote it was. There wasn’t a chance, back then, of anyone finding us. I played with Luke that day and you sat on the dune, sketching, on that blanket I remembered so well.” She addressed the others. “But he was really watching Luke—watching him laugh, run around chasing the seagulls, build in the sand. I still remember stealing little glances and seeing the smile on his face as he watched Luke play.
“It was a gorgeous day, and Luke had such a ball that he fell asleep on the way home. Before we left, Freddy asked if we’d come again, but seeing him was so hard that I had to tell him no.” Her voice cracked again as she finished her sentence. “I’d made a choice to love Edward, and I’d already messed that up once. I wasn’t going to do it again.”
“But you’re divorced now, from Edward,” Aiden said, his sentence more of a question. Why hadn’t Lillian set things straight then? Why hadn’t she gone after Frederick?
“Looking back, my infidelity was a symptom of something bigger, and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t make it work. I gave it everything I had. But if I had it to do over, I’d change a lot about what I did. Freddy’s been without his son, Luke doesn’t know his father, and Edward has been misled this whole time. I feared they would all despise me,” she said, hanging her head.
“But, Mom,” said Juliette, “didn’t you wonder if being hated would be better than keeping this huge secret for all these years? Did you ever think that Luke, that Dad, had a right to know?”
Lillian squeezed her eyes shut. “I did consider that—of course I did, every day. But I was scared. I didn’t know how to make it right after making it so wrong for so many years. I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t know how to react!” Juliette said, shaking her head as she processed it all. She turned to Luke, her face full of worry, her lips beginning to wobble. Luke pulled her close, stroking her hair.
Then he got up and put his arms around his mother. She shooed him off sweetly, and Callie could tell she was concerned about blubbering and making a scene. He held her anyway and kissed the top of her head. On the way back to his seat, Luke glanced over at Frederick just briefly and Frederick wiped away his tears.
Lillian picked up her fork and toyed with it. “I worry about what comes next. We’re going to have to tell Edward.”
Twenty-Two