Even though our “normal” outings of horseback riding, driving a few towns over to go to dinner and catch a movie, and the other handful of things we’ve done the last few weeks have included a lot of talking, Eli has never once spoken about what he went through with anything other than nonchalance or downplaying the little pieces he let slip. Each time he does it, I worry and I fear for the things that still haunt him, wondering if he’s holding himself back or he’s afraid to go into detail because it will upset me. I don’t need him to tell me everything, but I need him to know I’m here for him, whenever he needs me or whenever he’s ready to open up more.
“Are you doing okay? You haven’t said much about your appointment with the therapist the other day,” I say gently, trying my best not to push him, but still needing him to know he can talk to me about anything.
“I’m fine, and there’s not much to say,” he tells me with an easy smile and a shrug, sliding his arm around my waist and pulling me closer to him on the blanket. “It’s pretty much the same thing every week, like I told you. He asks me about the nightmares and I tell him you take them all away and remind him that spending an hour with him when I could be with you is a waste of time and a detriment to my recovery.”
Just like always, he brushes off my concern and makes a joke. I try not to let it bother me that Eli never wants to confide in me about what he went through and I remind myself that I have no experience with this kind of thing and have no idea if his behavior is normal or not. He seems fine, he seems happy, and he doesn’t act like what happened to him still plagues him. I don’t want to keep bringing it up and pushing it to the forefront of his mind when he’s doing so well and he’s figured out how to move on and let go.
“You know you can always talk to me, right? About anything?” I remind him, just like I’ve done every time I’ve tried to get him to talk recently.
With his elbow still holding him up on his side, he rests his cheek on his hand and smiles at me.
“I know. Don’t worry about me, okay? Everything is fine as long as you’re here with me.”
His words should make me happy, knowing I’m the reason he’s fine, but they don’t. For the first time, lying here next to him with the warm Southern air floating over us and the sun shining bright in the sky above us, his words fill me with fear and dread. About what he isn’t saying and about what will happen when it all becomes too much for him and he can’t keep it bottled up inside any longer. It’s the same apprehension that has kept me from telling him about the threats my mother held over my head and the tattoo on the inside of my wrist, hidden under the watchband or my fears about what will happen when Landry comes home.
Eli pushes himself up from the blanket and starts spreading out the lunch items he packed for us, changing the subject to tell me about his niece and the funny things she says now that she’s learned how to speak in complete sentences. Just like always, his easy smile and the sweet sound of his laughter distract me from my worries. I refuse to ruin our time together worrying about what Landry and my mother will do when I can no longer keep mine and Eli’s relationship in the safe little bubble we’ve been in the last few weeks.
Staring at the dimples in his cheeks and listening to the happiness in his voice, I run my thumb over my watchband, realizing some secrets are better left buried. Some truths aren’t worth the pain they’ll bring and I will do anything I can to make sure Eli never has to feel one minute of pain again because of me.
As we sit side by side on the blanket and enjoy our lunch and easy conversation, I can only hope that when the time comes for Eli to tell me about his years in captivity, I’ll know what to do and I’ll be able to give him the strength that he selflessly hands over to me, every day I’m with him.
Chapter 25
Eli
Why don’t you ever take me out to dinner or take me horseback riding? It’s like you don’t even care,” Rylan complains with an overexaggerated sigh while he leans against the doorway of my bathroom and watches me shave.
I feel a little guilty that I haven’t been spending as much time with him lately, but right now, being with Shelby is the only thing that matters. Even though he continually busts my balls and makes jokes, I know he understands. He just likes to annoy the hell out of me by complaining all the time.
“Shelby’s got some work to do tomorrow, so how about you and I catch up on shitty reality television and order pizza?” I ask, looking up at his reflection in the mirror in front of me.
“Fine. Whatever. I guess I’ll always be your second choice,” he mutters, pushing away from the wall to stand right behind me. “Have you guys talked?”
I roll my eyes, rinsing off the blade in the pool of water in the sink before bringing it back up to my cheek.
“Yes, we’ve talked, Dr. Phil.”
Rylan sighs and shakes his head at me.
“I mean, have you talked about important stuff, dumbass. I know you haven’t told her everything or you wouldn’t be standing here all casual while you try and pretty up that ugly mug of yours.”
My head starts to pound right behind my eyes and I squeeze them closed, pressing my hands against the edge of the sink and taking a few deep breaths to make the pain go away. Rylan’s words make my gut churn with an unknown fear and I have no idea why. Shelby and I have done nothing but talk the last few weeks.
We talked about the summer we fell in love and we talked about how she’s been trying to ease her way back into dancing again. She told me about Meredith’s writing career and about how mind-numbing her job is working for her mother. I told her about Kat and Daniel’s life together and about my niece, Lilly. We did regular things like a regular couple and it felt good to do stuff like that and feel…normal.
“Of course we’ve talked about important stuff,” I scoff, opening my eyes to glare at him through the mirror.
“Right. Sure you have. Why don’t I believe you? Why do I feel like there’s still something huge you haven’t told her yet?”
The pain slices through my head and I wince, wishing he would just stop talking.
“We’re getting to know each other again, all right? It’s good. It’s better than good, so just leave it alone,” I warn him.
I hate being short with my best friend, but I don’t like the way his words make me feel—confused and anything but normal.
“You need to tell her about what happened over there, Eli. You can’t keep all of this to yourself or it’s going to eat away at you and you’re going to lose her,” Rylan tells me softly.
“Shut up! Just, shut up,” I finally growl, tossing the razor into the sink and grabbing my head with both hands to try and stop the headache that just won’t quit. “Everything is fine and I don’t need you telling me what to do or what to talk about with Shelby. We’re fine.”
We stare at each other silently through the mirror until Rylan finally takes the hint, delivering one last annoying reminder.
“You need to tell Shelby what happened over there and let go. Just…let go.”