“You didn’t move on, you fucking gave up! You had everything right there for the taking and you gave up because of HER! The minute I leave, you turn into one of her little sheep! How the fuck could you just give up, Shelby? Goddammit, how could you throw it all away?”
I move farther away from him, each step hurting worse than the one before when all I want to do is tell him. Tell him everything, show him everything, and make him see I had no choice, but I can’t, because he’s right. I gave up. I threw my life away and I gave up because I didn’t care about anything but him. My happiness meant nothing if his name was being dragged through the mud and his sister’s life was ruined because my mother couldn’t handle not being in control of everything around her, including me.
“You don’t know anything about me,” I tell him through clenched teeth. “You’ve been gone for six years and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything that happened to you, but I’m not sorry for the choices I’ve made. I have a good and happy life now and I’ve moved on.”
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me. I’m not happy, I hate this life that I’m barely living.
“Bullshit. You didn’t move on. You stayed in the exact same fucking place, never moving forward because you were too goddamn scared to take that leap. The only way I managed to stay alive in that fucking hellhole for five years was knowing you jumped, when all along, you stayed here and turned into her.”
I’m dying.
I'm suffocating.
I’m sorry.
I say the last two words out loud, so quietly I’m not even sure he hears them, before I turn and walk away from him. I wait until my back is to him before I let the tears start to fall again. I hear him calling my name, but he doesn’t come after me.
He lets me go, just like he did six years ago.
It’s what I deserve. He lived through hell hoping he’d come back to the same woman he left behind, maybe to apologize, probably to make amends for how he left me, but that’s impossible.
That woman died a long time ago, along with her dreams, and it was all for him. Everything was always for Eli, and seeing him alive, knowing he’ll be okay as long as he stays away from me, reminds me that I made the right decision. Knowing his sister is happily married with a family of her own without my mother tainting their life in any way reminds me that I would make the same decisions all over again, even if it kills everything inside me.
Chapter 6
Eli
Are you okay?”
I try not to let my irritation show when my sister asks me the same question for the tenth time today as I grab a bottled water from the fridge and take a seat next to her at the kitchen table.
Going for a five-mile run through her development this morning was meant to clear my head. All it did was give me too much quiet time to think about what happened last night. For a few seconds, I had Shelby in my arms. Just like I’d dreamed about for six brutal years. Clinging to me like her life depended on it, her body so warm and perfect pressed against mine, her breath puffing along the skin of my neck and her heart beating against my chest…until suddenly, she was gone. Replaced with a stoic, hard woman who didn’t want anything to do with me. I’d like to say I didn’t even recognize her, but I did. One look at her with her chin raised and all the tears dried up like they’d never been there in the first place, staring at me like I wasn’t even good enough to shine her shoes…I damn sure recognized that woman because she looked exactly like her mother and made me think about the last conversation I had with that bitch of a woman six years ago.
“You need to get out of my daughter’s life and you need to get out now. If you want Shelby to fulfill her silly dreams of being a dancer and your sister to finish college and have a secure future, you will leave and never look back.”
“I’m fine, Kat,” I sigh, taking a drink of my water and pushing that damn conversation out of my mind. “Just working through some stuff.”
She reaches across the table, resting her hand on top of mine as I nervously spin the bottle cap around the wooden top.
“Daniel saw you threw those candles away when he took the garbage out before work,” she whispers softly. “Were they the wrong smell?”
I close my eyes and sigh, not wanting to talk about this with her, but feeling a huge amount of guilt that I haven’t shared anything with her since I’ve been home, no matter how hard she’s tried to pull it out of me. She never knew about Shelby and me back then, and there’s no way I want to burden her with it now. Telling her to buy those damn candles so I could fall asleep to the smell of peaches was an asinine decision on my part. It was one I quickly fixed after what went down last night at the stables, by tossing the stupid glass containers filled with pale orange wax so hard into the cans out by their garage that they shattered all over the bottom of the empty container.
“Don’t worry about the candles, Kat. They’re the least of our worries.”
Moving my hand out from under hers, I grab the letter that came in the mail earlier and pull the piece of paper with the United States Marine Corps insignia stamped at the top closer to me. I knew it would happen. I knew they’d be sending a letter like this; I just didn’t expect it to be so soon.
“You had another bad dream last night,” she tries again.
I wince, turning my head away from her so I don’t have to see the sadness in her eyes. I can’t handle the expression of pity on her face whenever she looks at me. I love my sister, and I thank God that I’m getting a second chance to be here with her, especially when I never thought I’d see her again, but I can’t stand her feeling sorry for me. I can’t have her worrying about me all the time when she has a family to take care of. After what happened last night, I woke up screaming louder than I ever have, once again bringing Kat flying into my room to take care of me, when she had other priorities that should come first.
“I’m sorry. I’m gonna find my own place as soon as I can.”