I watch myself grab the huge, gaudy ring from Logan’s hand, oblivious to the fact that Sam had left the hallway and was probably upstairs, hastily throwing his things in his duffle bag.
I see the happy, triumphant look on Logan’s face as he stares up at me when I hold the ring in between the tips of my thumb and forefinger, out from my body like it’s a snake about to bit me. And even though I just want to continue crying like a baby here on the floor, I can’t help but laugh when I watch myself on video, chuck the ring at the door behind Logan so hard that it leaves an indent in the wood.
Nicholas and I laugh together listening to the clapping and cheering of our family on the video as I grab onto Logan’s arms, haul him up from his knees and scream at him like a crazy person.
“Are you fucking insane with this shit right now? Didn’t the first time you asked and I ran out the front door screaming give you a clue? I don’t want to marry you, you dumb shit! I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man on earth! You wear entirely too much hair product, you get manicures every Wednesday, and I have faked every single orgasm with you, limp dick!”
Nicholas pats me on my shoulder, his arm shaking with his laughter as he tries to hold his phone steady.
“Oh, dear, he has a limp dick? Sam doesn’t have a limp dick, does he, Bobbie?”
I laugh a little harder hearing my mom on video question my aunt.
“Oh no. His Indian name is Hunglikehorse.”
Nicholas groans listening to Aunt Bobbie answer our mother. “I know entirely too much about the penises of the men in your life, Leon.”
“Sam is twice the man that you are and I love him. I’m in love with him and you have a tiny penis! Get out of my parent’s house and go back to Seattle, tiny penis!”
The video ends with my father grabbing Logan by his collar, opening the front door and practically tossing him out in the snow. Thankfully I don’t have to watch myself turn around and see that Sam was nowhere to be found. Probably coming back down the stairs and sneaking out the back door before he could hear my declaration and me telling Logan off.
“God, I suck,” I mutter to Nicholas, sniffling and swiping at another round of tears.
“Yep, you definitely suck, Leon.”
I sigh as the room grows darker with the setting sun outside, not even having enough energy to growl at him for agreeing with me instead of saying something to make me feel better. I deserve to feel like shit. I brought Sam here, made him feel like he was part of the family, and then let him go without a fight. Without a word, without any reassurance that my actions with him the last few days were all real and not fake.
“Well, you have one more present to open, will that make you feel better?” Nicholas asks.
I finally push myself up from the floor and sigh. “What are you talking about?”
He gets up from the ground, grabs both of my hands, and drags me up to my feet.
“Something that just came a few minutes ago as soon as it got dark. I have no idea why the hell you would want something like this, but he insisted when he woke me up with a phone call at the ass crack of dawn this morning before you woke up,” Nicholas explains.
He turns and moves toward the front door and my curiosity gets the better of me and I follow behind him, outside into the snow.
“Tada!” Nicholas announces and I finally look up and stare out into the front yard.
A sob flies out of my mouth and I have to cover it with my hand to keep the rest inside.
“I don’t get it, but like I said, he insisted I help him find this stupid thing,” Nicholas explains as I walk in a tear-filled daze down the steps and across the yard until I get to what my brother is currently looking at, shaking his head like it’s the stupidest thing he’s ever seen.
“Don’t you remember? When we were little and would go to Grandma’s house every Christmas Eve, we always looked for this,” I whisper, walking along the wooden figurines, each one standing four-feet-tall and taking up most of the front yard.
When I get to the reindeer in the front, the one with the same blinking red nose, I see a card attached to the nose with a green ribbon and I quickly untie it and rip it open.
“Oh, yeah! Now I remember! That was always the best part of Christmas Eve. Wow, I can’t believe he actually found the exact same sleigh and reindeer. I mean, I gave him the numbers to all of the places that sell decorations and would be open this morning, but it didn’t hit me until just now what he wanted it for,” Nicholas explains while I stare at the card in my hand and cry so hard that the tears don’t even have time to freeze on my cheeks.
Never let go of the magic, Noel. Merry Christmas.
Love, Sam
“Leon, are you okay, why are you crying?” my mom asks, rushing down the steps, most likely when she heard the sound of my pathetic wailing coming from the front yard as I read the note in my hands over and over until I want to now curl up in the snow and freeze to death.