‘Bring me down?’ In for a penny, I supposed. ‘Like – as if someone might be, sort of – trying to come between us?’
‘Don’t be so bloody stupid.’ He looked at me as if we’d never met. ‘You know, Jeanie, I thought you were such a quiet little mouse – such a safe bet – but you’re not at all who I thought you were.’
‘A mouse?’ I repeated dumbly.
‘And if someone actually was trying to come between us,’ he said irritably, ‘which they’re not – well you’ve only yourself to blame. If you’re going to act like a tart, then…’
‘What do you mean a tart?’ I was aghast.
‘Well, first the boy at the school. Then entertaining men here.’
‘What do you mean “entertaining men”?’
‘Sylvia told me she caught you with that guy.’
‘Sylvia?’ I had no idea they were such good friends. ‘She caught me with what guy?’
‘You tell me, Jean. She texted me, saying sorry to have to tell me, but when she came for coffee yesterday, some guy was getting out of the shower.’
‘Oh, God – Yassine?’ I actually laughed with relief. ‘She means Yassine.’
‘Who the hell’s Yassine?’
‘Kaye’s boyfriend?’
‘You’re fucking joking.’ Matthew stared at me in horror. ‘So now you’re shagging my ex’s new bloke?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Matthew!’ I cried. ‘He dropped off Luke’s football boots when I was gardening, and…’
‘So he got in the shower with you?’ he sneered. ‘Oh come on.’
‘No, of course not! I was cutting back brambles, and he came down the garden to talk to me. He slipped in the mud, so he went in the downstairs loo to have a quick wash. That was it. He was here about five minutes.’
‘Luke’s football boots?’ Matthew interrupted. ‘Why?’
‘He said he had a match. Tonight. He said he’d been told Luke needed them.’
‘First I’ve heard of it.’
‘I’ll get them,’ I said eagerly. ‘I’ll prove it to you.’
I went rushing to the utility room where I’d put the boots on the shoe rack, still in the Sainsbury’s bag they’d been wrapped in when Yassine delivered them.
But they weren’t there. I searched everywhere, but of course they weren’t there.
Forty-Four
Jeanie
6 April 2015
10 a.m.
I didn’t want to fall in love with Matthew. I didn’t want his money. In fact I asked him to stay away, soon after we met.
It was very much Matthew who pursued me, not the other way around.
I let him take me out to dinner once, to a fancy Lebanese place in Mayfair. We had a nice night, but I felt shy and awkward with a man of his looks and expensive confidence. I didn’t see what I had to offer – apart from myself.
Still, he pursued me, driving down to Hove a few weekends later, where we walked along the coast path, chatting, for hours. I told him I was flattered, but I wasn’t interested, despite my growing attraction to him.
I knew I didn’t trust love. I couldn’t do it again after the wreckage from Simon. It suited me to be on my own with Frank. It was safer.
I didn’t trust love one little bit – but I didn’t follow my instinct. I let Matthew drag me in.
Now look.
It’s like someone’s pulling out my heart; I’m being hauled into the sausage maker, and once I’ve been chewed up, I’m going to be spat out.
* * *
After I’d hunted high and low for the stupid football boots, Matthew phoned Kaye and asked her if she’d sent her boyfriend round with them. She said no.
I sat on the stairs, and I tried to think: where could they be? Had I moved them without remembering? I didn’t think so, but…
And then I heard them. They were on the telephone, laughing about me. I was the joke.
‘Maybe she’s going a little mad,’ Matthew was muttering, ‘or got early onset – but she swore blind he brought them…’
Was I mad?
Possibly.
I went upstairs.
Frankie came back at some point and stuck his head round my bedroom door, but I pretended I was asleep. I was terrified my sanity was actually slipping away.
I remembered Frankie talking about Jenna earlier, and I thought: I’ll be so happy if he manages to find love. Still, I had to admit something I was ashamed of: I was a little jealous. Because I didn’t feel like that any more, and I knew Matthew didn’t either.
Such a quiet little mouse.
The ground was increasingly unsafe.
For once I was glad Frankie was leaving soon – getting out of this mess.
Things were falling apart fast.
* * *
10.30 a.m.
* * *
Matthew gets up, barely speaking to me. Then he comes back in and reiterates that no one had asked Yassine to bring the boots round – the missing boots.
‘Are you really all right?’ he asks. ‘Perhaps’—he stares down at me—‘you need some help?’
‘What kind of help? I’m fine, Matthew, really.’
‘Well that’s good, because Alison and Sean are coming to dinner tonight. If you can hold it together that long.’