“Smart kid.”
He ain’t, though, and Sharkey knows it. Duluth may be as reliable as an Outer Wall, but like Keelhaul and Bronco, in fact, like every swiller Sharkey’s ever had, he’s turned out disappointingly dumb. It’s enough to make Sharkey saw a man’s legs off at the knees, if only that would do some good. It isn’t so much that the swillers are slow, though they can be that too—Sharkey’s got some pet theories about the neighborhood gene pool. But it’s their flatfooted incuriosity that makes him mad.
At twelve, Sharkey was apprentice to Jawbone Park, a mean old inmate who’d been sentenced to Torchtown for manslaughter, armed robbery, assault with a deadly weapon, and siccing dogs on a police horse, and who’d most recently set about making a name for himself in the growth field of home-cooked psychotropics. Jawbone had spent some years previous working his way through the grislier parts of a prison library, and young Sharkey made it his habit to linger in the evenings, scrubbing molasses and sometimes gore off the floorboards while Jawbone, deep in his evening chew, pontificated on all things applicable, historically, from the final fate of the dinosaurs to lantern-kicking cow-arsonists and where their fires spread.
More important, Jawbone taught Sharkey about the chaw business: how to keep an inventory, how to balance the books, the difference between profits gross and net, and when to bother playing fair. Sharkey’s amassed a shelf full of books on management and free-market econ since then, as well as some useful true-crime titles. But most of what he relies on still comes from those early days with Jawbone. He’s always expected that sooner or later one of his own swillers would take a similar interest, but so far, no dice. They’re too dumb, or too scared, or maybe they figure life’s too short. When he tries to explain anything more complicated than a thumbscrew, they squirm like they need to piss and he’s running water by their ears. It wouldn’t matter much, except Sharkey’s getting old. He needs somebody he can trust, somebody he can talk to, somebody to take the shop over when he’s gone. Somebody who doesn’t need him to explain every little thing.
The window’s propped open behind the blinds. From somewhere outside, Sharkey hears a fire start. The whoosh of wings, and then the crackle, like wind with dead leaves in it. Probably a block away. That rubble lot with all the tents in it. Yeah. Sharkey looks at his swillers. He can tell they can’t hear it yet. No one can: it’s coming from the future. Ten minutes from now, max. Some days he’d keep the meeting running straight through, watch the worry flicker across their faces while they tried to ID the screamers. But today he’s not in the mood. He wants them out of here. He cracks his knuckles, running his thumbs over the letters inked into his skin there—FUCK FIRE—and shuts the ledger.
“All right,” he says. “It’s break time. Scram.”
9
BEGONIAS
MEMO
TO: Duncan H. Ripple V
FROM: D. Humphrey Ripple IV
CC: Osmond Strangeboyle Ripple, Katya Ripple
SUBJECT: Re: Troubling Developments
As per our conversation yesterday, I am attaching herewith my Guidelines for Legally Tenable Courtship Practices. These guidelines were drawn from formal written agreements with the Dahlberg household and from informal discussions with those family members copied in here; they have been annotated to address the specific challenges of your current entanglement. Please note that these points are nonnegotiable under the terms of your marriage contract, and that noncompliance may result not only in the termination of that agreement but also in disinheritance, familial estrangement, and repossession of assets from this estate as well. Study this document in full before engaging in any form of communication whatsoever, with your Intended or any other parties not CC’d.
Guidelines for Legally Tenable Courtship Practices:
I. Appearance and manner. The Bride-to-Be (hereafter “B2B”) is entitled to a clean, wholesome physical appearance and manner in her Affianced Male (hereafter “AM”), including but not limited to: coordinated business-casual attire; clean-shaven face or evenly trimmed facial hair; pleasant-smelling skin; proper use of grammar; warm yet respectful use of endearment terms, such as “dear,” “beloved,” “pet,” and “my lark” (a longer list of suggestions available upon request). Use of profanity or terms deemed derogatory to women (such as slang idioms referring to prostitution), especially when describing one’s relationship to a Wild Teenaged/Twentyish Female (hereafter “WTF”), is absolutely impermissible.
II. Disclosure of sexual health concerns. The B2B is entitled to an AM with no known sexual health concerns or risk factors, including a history of unprotected sexual intercourse, unprotected fellatio, unprotected cunnilingus, unprotected mutual masturbation, and unprotected anal penetration. I am going to assume there were condoms on that island, Duncan.
III. Disclosure of financial concerns. Fortunately a non-issue. Refer B2B to me or any of our accountants with questions.
IV. Premarital conference. The B2B is entitled to at least one private premarital conference with her AM; acceptable activities include lively discussion, the viewing of educational Toob specials, a garden stroll in the greenhouse, or the consumption of a meal. At no time should a WTF be present during the course of these conferences, nor should a WTF be the subject of the aforementioned “lively discussion.”
Duncan, these Courtship Practices should be fairly self-explanatory; as I recall, we went over them in depth six months ago when you originally signed your contracts. But if you have any questions whatsoever, please contact me immediately.
I will remind you that, upon your graduation last year from the Chokely Bradford Underschool with the lowest scores in that institution’s history, you chose to engage a partner to share your fiscal and other responsibilities rather than re-taking the economics courses that would enable you to enter the Chokely Bradford Overschool Finance Program and shoulder the burden alone. The Dahlberg family has long had an illustrious reputation for their canny judgments in business and their role in philanthropic circles, and as you’ll recall, Penelope “Pippi” Dahlberg and I were once professional colleagues. The Baroness Swan Lenore Dahlberg is, to all appearances, a highly intelligent, circumspect, and resourceful young woman, one I would be proud to have as a daughter-in-law or, indeed, as an only child. Your alliance with her will prove invaluable for the success of this family in the years to come. I strongly advise you to keep that in mind.
Best regards,
Dad
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