I don’t know what he thinks comes in the morning, but he accepts my invitation now. His strong hands cup my ass, lifting me from my feet.
“Take me to bed,” I whisper, “and love me tonight.” As we collapse onto the mattress, he moves over me, his lips trailing from my neck to my ear. “I’ll still love you in the morning.”
I wish that was true.
Chapter 24
When I open my eyes, day light pounds like a war drum at my temples. I drank more than I thought. My arm stretches out, sweeping over the vacant half of the mattress. The only evidence that Jude was here is the tangle of wrinkled sheets that still hold the shape of his body. My bed is empty along with my heart.
I don’t have the luxury of wasting away or crying. No, I indulged my selfishness last night. This morning I have to begin to make things right. As I dress I imagine what I’ll say to Amie. I need to sit her down, share the whole story, and hope she understands why I did what I did. Max is another story. He won’t understand. Not yet. Someday I’ll tell him everything and ask for his forgiveness. Now that I know Faith is dead, I should have a legal claim to him as next of kin. Since there’s no father listed on the birth certificate, I doubt the courts will be interested in sifting through her mistakes to find him. Even if they did, what man wants responsibility like that dropped on his doorstep?
First, I’ll talk to Amie, then I’ll find a lawyer. It feels good to have a plan. When I brave leaving my room to face her, I hear cartoons on the television and bacon frying on the stove top. Amie’s door opens before I step into the hallway, and our eyes meet. Apparently Jude didn’t clear out at first light.
I take a deep breath. “Can I have a minute with him?”
She nods, for once choosing not to say anything, and goes back inside her room.
I clear my throat softly as I near the kitchen and he looks over his shoulder. Jude switches off the burner when he sees me, and begins to plate breakfast. Leaning against the doorway, I watch, trying to decide what to say. He carries the plate in to Max. “I know he’s not supposed to eat in there normally,” Jude says as he returns. Chinese Sunday being the only exception to this rule. “But I thought it would be better if ...”
He doesn’t finish the sentence. My son might not be able to hear the heartbreaking words we both know are coming, but if he was in here he would sense them.
Jude offers me a plate, and I shake my head. “I’m not hungry.”
“Still, you should eat.” But he doesn’t push me any further.
“Thank you for coming,” I finally say. I don’t want to drag this out or demand to know what he thought he would get out of it. Amie had no idea what was really at stake when she called him for help.
“I’ll always come,” he says. I know that because I’ve seen him do it.
Still, knowing how kind his heart is doesn’t mean I can ignore what really brought us together. “I think you should go.”
“What if I don’t want to?” Jude massages his jaw and the dark stubble he’s yet to shave this morning.
What if I don’t want you to? I shake my head, erasing the thought. “What do you want? To pretend like none of this ever happened? To go back to calling me by her name? You’re right, we can’t change what happened to us in the past, but those things still happened, and I don’t see how we can look past that. You knew who I was— about my past, about her—and you came into my life and kept that from me.”
“I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you that I’m sorry for that,” he says.
“You don’t have to,” I stop him, “I know you are. Just like I’m sorry that I lied to you. I forgive you, and I hope you forgive me, but that doesn’t mean that we can make this right.”
“Sunshine.” He starts to cross towards me, but I hold up a hand.
“I need you to go now.”
He halts in his tracks, his eyes looking to the ceiling as if he’s seeking that higher power we’ve been taught to call to.
“Just answer one question,” he says finally, “and I’ll leave.”
I owe him that much.
“Do you love me?”
It’s the one question I don’t want to face and the one that I’ll never escape. I nod. It’s answer enough. Jude keeps to his word. He doesn’t speak as he walks past me. Instead he goes into the living room and kneels down next to the couch. I avert my eyes as he begins to sign to Max. I can’t handle watching him say, goodbye. But when I turn back, Max throws his arms around Jude’s neck and holds on until Jude pries him loose. I move to be with Max. I won’t be able to explain to him what’s happening, but I can hold him.