‘No. I feel terrible about it, Ally.’
‘Well, maybe she needs to find herself too. Something had to give – all of us sisters have worried about your relationship.’
‘Have you?’
‘Yes. And personally, I think this parting of the ways is really important for both of you. And I’m sure it will only be temporary.’
‘I hope so. I’d just like to know where she is. She was upset because I didn’t tell her about meeting my mother.’
‘You found your mother?! Wow, Star! Will you tell me about her?’
So I did, as always struggling to find the words, but with Ally prompting me, I gave her the most accurate potted version I could.
‘Goodness. And there was me thinking my journey had been complicated and traumatic,’ Ally breathed. ‘So, what about this Mouse? Are you going to give him another chance?’
‘I . . . think so.’
‘Give it a try, while you can,’ she said vehemently. ‘I know only too well that nothing lasts forever.’
‘Yes.’ I reached instinctively for her hand. ‘They need me. Both of them. Father and son.’
‘And we all want to be needed, don’t we?’ Ally passed a hand fleetingly across her burgeoning stomach. ‘I’d better call you a taxi. Thom was very disappointed he had to go into work to have a post-mortem on last night’s triumph.’ She smiled as she stood up, and went to the telephone. ‘You’ve made a fan there, that’s for sure. Do I have to tell him you’re taken?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I think you do.’
At Bergen airport, as my flight was boarding, I took out my mobile. And just before we took off, I texted Mouse.
Yes please.
Back in London, I woke the next morning and saw it was nine thirty. Mouse was coming to collect me at eleven.
My stomach did a somersault and then a double backflip as I stood under the shower contemplating his arrival. And then the day and the evening that would follow. I repacked my holdall, leaving in the black dress I’d worn to the concert last night just in case, and donned the thick woollen jumper I’d treated myself to in Bergen. Adding my walking boots, I then placed two sets of clean underwear on the top, and gave a shudder as I did so.
When he knows, I might not even get as far as the car, I thought to myself as my panic began to rise.
The door buzzer rang at eleven o’clock exactly and I pressed the entry button to let him in. My heart was banging like a tom-tom as I heard the lift ascend, then the sound of his footsteps crossing the narrow corridor.
‘The door’s open,’ I called, sounding like my vocal cords were being strangled by a python.
‘Hi,’ he said and gave me a smile. He walked towards me, then stopped a few metres away. ‘Star, what’s wrong? Has something happened? You look completely terrified.’
‘I am.’
‘Why? Is it me?’
‘No . . . and yes.’ I tried to breathe, as I gathered every ounce of courage I had. ‘Can you sit down, please?’
‘Okay,’ he said and walked to the sofa. ‘Have you changed your mind? Is that what this is all about?’
‘No. I just . . . I need to tell you something.’
‘I’m all ears.’
‘The thing is . . .’ It was my turn to pace. ‘The thing is that . . .’
‘Star, whatever it is, it can’t be worse than what I told you. Please, just say it.’
I turned away from him, closed my eyes and said the words:
‘I’m . . . a virgin.’
The silence seemed to last forever as I waited for his response.
‘Right. Is that it? I mean, what you needed to tell me?’
‘Yes!’ I jumped as I felt the gentle touch of a hand on my shoulder.
‘Have you ever had a relationship?’
‘No. Me and CeCe . . . we were always together. There was never the chance.’
‘I understand.’
‘Do you?’
‘Yes.’
Burning with embarrassment, I felt myself being turned around and a pair of arms enveloping me.
‘I feel so stupid,’ I muttered. ‘I’m twenty-seven and . . .’
We stood in silence for a bit, his hand gently stroking my hair.
‘Star? Can I say something?’
‘Yes.’
‘It may sound odd, but the fact that you are, for the want of a better phrase, untouched by anyone else, is a gift, not a negative. And besides, in the particular . . . “department” we’re discussing, it’s been years since I . . . Anyway, I can honestly say you’re not the only one who’s had sleepless nights about this.’
Mouse’s confessed nervousness definitely made me feel better. He pulled away and reached for my hands.
‘Star, look at me.’
I raised my eyes to his.
‘Before we go any further, you have to know that I would never, ever try to force you or put you under pressure, as long as you’ll grant the same favour to me. We have to be kind to each other, don’t we?’
‘Yes.’
‘So . . .’ He gazed down at me. ‘Shall we give this a try? Two damaged people trying to put each other back together?’
I looked out of the window at the river, flowing unstoppably forward, its progress unchecked. And felt the protective dam I’d built around my heart begin to crumble. I turned my eyes back to him and felt the love finally start to trickle out through the fissures. And hoped that one day it would become a torrent.
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘Where exactly is this?’ I asked as Mouse grabbed our holdalls from the boot and a porter appeared from the front entrance to take them from us.
‘Don’t you recognise it from Flora’s description?’
I looked up at the vast grey house, warm light pouring from the windows into the darkening night. And suddenly, I did know.
‘It’s Esthwaite Hall, Flora MacNichol’s childhood home!’
‘Spot on. When I was looking for somewhere to stay up here in the Lakes, I discovered it had recently been turned into a hotel.’ Mouse kissed me on the top of my head. ‘This is where your story – and, in a way, mine – originally began. Shall we go in?’
At reception, he politely offered me a separate room, but instead, we compromised on a suite, and Mouse ordered a put-you-up bed for the sitting room and said he’d sleep in there. ‘I don’t want you to panic,’ he reassured me.
Upstairs, I put on my new black dress for dinner in the formal restaurant. I emerged from the bathroom and Mouse whistled.
‘Star, you look stunning. I’ve never seen your legs uncovered before and they’re so long and slim . . . Sorry,’ he checked himself. ‘I just want to tell you that you’re beautiful. Is that okay?’
‘It’s okay.’ I smiled.