‘No.’
I’d tried to give her a brief history of myself and my childhood growing up with my five sisters at Atlantis. Then we had moved on to High Weald and the complexities of the Forbes/Vaughan family.
‘I hear Mouse has a rather unusual brother. Orlando is his name, I believe?’ she said.
‘Yes, and he’s wonderful.’
‘I think that Mouse has a real soft spot for you, Star. And by the way, I’m so happy that your adoptive father gave you such a beautiful name. It suits you. You know “Lucy” means “light”?’
‘Yes.’
‘So, you are a “star” that shines brightly,’ she smiled.
We continued talking, often veering off track when a question came to mind. I learnt about my three half-siblings – all a lot younger than me, and named ‘James’ after Joyce, ‘Scott’ after Fitzgerald and ‘Anna’ after Tolstoy’s tragic heroine. She told me she was very happily married to Robert, their father. Their life sounded truly idyllic.
‘Robert knows about you, of course. He was very supportive when I got the letter from my mom’s solicitor a few weeks ago. He’s going to be thrilled when I call him to say I’ve actually found you. He’s a good man,’ she added. ‘You’d like him.’
‘I was offered a place at Cambridge,’ I confessed suddenly.
‘You were? Wow! That’s some achievement these days. It was easier to get a place in my time, especially as I came from what was classed as an underprivileged background. The government was very hot on egalitarianism back then. You did far better than me. Why didn’t you take it up?’
‘It would have meant leaving my sister. And we needed each other.’
‘Is that CeCe? The one you live with in London?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, you could go back now if you wanted to. It’s never too late to change your destiny, you know.’
‘You sound like Pa Salt.’ I smiled. ‘That’s the kind of thing he’d always say.’
‘I’m liking the sound of your Pa Salt. What a shame I can never meet him.’
‘Yes, he was a wonderful parent to all of us girls.’
I felt her shudder slightly next to me, but recover quickly.
‘So, have you any idea what you want to do with your life now that you’ve settled in England?’
‘Not really, no. I mean, I thought I wanted to write, but it’s harder than it looks and I’m not sure I’m any good.’
‘Maybe it’s not the moment right now, and it’ll happen later, as it does for many writers. It certainly did for me.’
‘I actually like the simple stuff a lot: keeping house, cooking, gardening . . .’ I turned to her suddenly. ‘I’m not very ambitious. Is that wrong?’
‘Of course it’s not! I mean, we’re all glad that female emancipation has moved on, and let me tell you, in the 1980s we girls really were the pioneers, the first generation of educated women to put a foot – or should I say a stiletto – firmly in the male-dominated workplace. But I think that what we did simply offered choice to the women who followed us. In other words, enabled them to be who they wanted to be.’
‘Then is it okay to say that, just now, I don’t really want a career?’
‘It’s fine, honey,’ she said as she squeezed my hand tightly and kissed the top of my head. ‘That’s the freedom my generation has given you; and there’s nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home mom, although I know all too well it makes it easier if you can find someone who is prepared to support you while you bring up the kids.’
‘Well, I haven’t got that,’ I chuckled.
‘You will, baby, you will.’
‘Er, hi,’ Mouse said from the kitchen door. ‘Just to say that Orlando called: he, Marguerite and Rory are on their way back from Tenterden.’
‘Then I’d better go.’
As my mother made to stand up, I pulled her back. ‘Is it okay if she stays, Mouse?’
‘Yes, Star,’ he said, smiling at me. ‘It’s absolutely fine.’
43
That evening, I decided as I slipped into bed much later, was one of the best I’d ever had. The Vaughans and Forbes had arrived en masse, and – obviously well primed by Orlando and Mouse – had welcomed Sylvia with open arms.
‘After all, she is family,’ Marguerite had laughed as she lit one of her endless Gitanes and drank countless glasses of red wine, while I cooked a joint of beef that Orlando had brought home with him from the farm shop. At the dinner table, we’d all explained further to Sylvia just how she – and I – fitted into the family jigsaw puzzle. And as the wine flowed, I’d felt some form of ease seep through the ancient, damp walls of High Weald. As though the secrets of the past had finally shaken down like a flurry of snowflakes and were starting to settle calmly on the ground.
And later, as I wriggled my feet to find a warm spot between the freezing sheets, I realised that tonight, with my mother there beside me, I’d finally felt that I belonged.
‘Jesus Christ!’ my mother said as she entered the kitchen the following morning, where I was already stationed at the range, making breakfast. ‘I have a hell of a hangover. I’d forgotten how the English drink,’ she said as she walked towards me and gave me a spontaneous hug. ‘Something smells good,’ she commented, looking down at the sausages I was frying for Rory, who had snuck off to watch Harry Potter – his new favourite DVD – while nobody said he couldn’t.
‘You’re an amazing cook, Star, really. Just like your great-granny Tessie was. I still dream about her homemade chips.’
‘I make those too,’ I said.
‘Well, I’d love to try them one day,’ she said, her eyes wandering to the cafetière. ‘Can I take some coffee?’
‘Help yourself.’
‘Thanks. You know, Marguerite and I stayed up after all of you had gone to bed. We spent most of the time trying to work out what we were to each other. We got as far as half-second-cousins, but who knows? And who cares?! Boy, that girl can drink the shoes off a sailor.’ She sat down at the table and, despite her professed hangover, looked elegant in a pair of jeans and a cashmere jumper. ‘She was telling me how she’s fallen for the owner of the chateau where she’s painting her murals in France. And that she’s sick of High Weald and trying to keep it going. I got the feeling she’d like to move.’
‘Where to?’
‘Why, France, of course!’
‘What about Rory? He’d have to learn French sign language, and it’s so very different from the British version . . .’
‘I really don’t know, Star, but maybe she’ll talk to you about it. You know, by coming here, I’ve realised how normal I am. And what a simple life I lead, compared to my newly discovered English cousins.’
‘When do you leave for the States?’
‘I take the night flight later today. So if it’s okay with you, can we spend the time I have left together?’