‘Sit there and don’t move,’ Mouse said when he returned through the door with our foil tins. ‘Today, I’m caring for you.’
Although slightly suspicious, given his past track record, it was nice to be looked after by someone. As we ate, and I drank a glass of Sancerre that went straight to my head, I searched for an ulterior motive, but couldn’t find one. Then a thought struck me.
‘Who’s picking up Rory this afternoon?’
‘Marguerite. She arrived home from France late last night. Never seen her look so happy either. Isn’t it incredible, how one can tread water for years with everything the same, and then suddenly there’s a tidal wave of events that pushes you either further out to sea, or brings you in gently to shore? There’s been a definite seismic shift happening for all of us Vaughans and Forbes recently. And you seem to have been the catalyst.’
‘I think that’s just coincidence.’
‘Or fate. Do you believe in fate, Star?’
‘Probably not. Life is what you make it.’
‘Right. Well, for the past seven years, I’ve believed that my fate was to suffer. And I indulged that one hundred per cent. In truth, I’ve wallowed in it. And I can’t ever make up for the harm it’s caused my family. It’s all too late.’
I watched his eyes darken and the tense expression return.
‘You could try.’
‘Yes, I could, couldn’t I? Anyway, enough of me. Are you going to open that envelope so we can discuss it, or not?’
‘I don’t know. It will only tell me my parents gave me away, won’t it?’
‘I have no idea.’
‘Either that or they died. But if they did give me away, how can I ever forgive them? How can any parent give away their child? Especially a tiny baby, which I know I was when I arrived at Atlantis.’
‘Well,’ Mouse said, sighing deeply, ‘perhaps you should hear the reasons before you judge. Some people aren’t in their right minds when they do such things.’
‘You mean like postnatal depression?’
‘I suppose so, yes.’
‘It’s not quite the same thing as not having enough food to go around or no roof over your head.’
‘No, it’s not. Anyway, I’d better get back. Things to do. You know.’
‘Yes.’
‘Anything I can help you with,’ he said, standing up, ‘just call.’
‘Thanks.’ I stood up too, sensing the sudden shift in his emotions. ‘And thanks for lunch.’
‘Don’t thank me for anything, Star. I’m not worth thanking. Bye.’
And then he left.
I sat there, shaking my head and swearing at my gullibility. What was it with him? He blew hot and cold in the blink of an eye. All I knew was that there was something . . . something that haunted him.
41
That night, as CeCe and I ate together, there was a thick tension between us. Normally, she’d blurt out everything that was on her mind, but tonight her eyes were like an impenetrable fortress.
‘I’m off to bed. Long day tomorrow,’ she said as she rose to go upstairs. ‘Thanks for dinner.’
I cleared away the dishes and stepped out into the cold night to watch the river flowing beneath me. And thought of Mouse and his wave analogy. I too was undergoing a seismic shift; even my relationship with CeCe was finally changing. Then I thought about the unopened envelope slowly burning a hole in my rucksack, and knew I needed to speak to someone I trusted urgently. Someone who wouldn’t be judgemental, who would give me calm, sensible advice.
Ma.
I took my mobile out of my back pocket and dialled home – my real home – and waited for her to pick up, as she always did when we girls called her, even if it was late. Tonight, the line went to voicemail and an automated message told me no one was at home. My heart plummeted. Who else could I call?
Maia? Ally? Tiggy? Certainly not Electra . . . Even though I loved and admired her for what she’d achieved in her life, empathy was not in her nature. Pa had always called her ‘highly strung’. CeCe and I privately called her a brat.
In the end, I tried Ally, knowing that, unlike Maia, at least she was in the Northern Hemisphere.
She picked up on the third ring.
‘Star?’
‘Hello. I haven’t woken you, have I?’
‘No. Are you okay?’
‘Yes. You?’
‘I’m good.’
‘That’s nice to hear.’
‘When I see you, I’ll tell you all about it. So, how can I help you?’ she continued.
I smiled at my big sister’s automatic response. She knew that when we younger sisters called, we weren’t contacting to ask after her health. And she accepted it, because that was her role as ‘leader’ in our family.
‘I have an envelope,’ I told her. ‘And I’m scared to open it.’
‘Oh. Why?’
I explained as succinctly as I could.
‘I see.’
‘What do you think I should do?’
‘Open the envelope, of course!’
‘Really?’
‘I promise you, Star, however painful it is, Pa wanted to help us all move on. Besides, if you don’t do it now, you’re only putting it off for the future. You’ll open it at some point, of course you will.’
‘Thanks, Ally. How’s Norway?’
‘It’s . . . wonderful. Wonderful. I . . . have some very good news.’
‘What is it?’
‘I’m pregnant. By Theo,’ she added quickly. ‘Ma knows, but I haven’t told any of our other sisters yet.’
‘Ally,’ I said with a catch in my throat. ‘That really is wonderful! Oh my God! It’s amazing!’
‘Isn’t it? Oh, and I’ve also found my birth family here in Bergen. So even though the two most important people are missing, I have support, and there’s a new life on the way.’
‘I’m thrilled for you, Ally. You deserve it, you’re so brave.’
‘Thanks. And Star, I’m playing the flute in a concert in the Grieg Hall here in Bergen on the seventh of December. I’m inviting all of our sisters, of course, but I’d so love you to come. And CeCe if she’s around.’
‘I will, I promise.’
‘Ma said she’ll come too, so maybe you could speak to her about the travel arrangements? I’m happy, Star, even though I never thought I would be again after . . . what happened. But listen, back to you. All I can say is that you need to be brave now, if you want your life to change.’
‘I do.’
‘I’m warning you that it might not be exactly what you want to hear; the fairy tale was Atlantis . . . but that was our life then and it isn’t like that any more. Just remember, you’re the only one in charge of your destiny. But you have to help it to happen. Do you understand?’
‘Yes. Thank you, Ally. I’ll see you at the beginning of December.’
‘I love you, Star. You know I’m always here for you.’
‘Yes. God bless,’ I added.
‘God bless.’
I ended the call and wandered inside as I realised my fingers had turned blue with cold. And, checking my messages, listened to a number of them from Orlando and Mouse. After taking a quick shower, I crept into the bedroom where CeCe was sleeping silently.
‘A seismic shift,’ I muttered as my head touched the soft pillow gratefully.
I would take a leaf out of my big sister’s book.
And be brave.