‘Yes.’
Then she reached out her arms to me and, knowing this was her moment, I went into them. And we stood in the centre of the cavernous empty space and hugged each other, giggling like the children we had once been at the ridiculousness of being so grown up.
Once we’d moved in, CeCe was up and out early every morning to gather more materials for her installations before the first term of college at the beginning of September.
Which left me alone in the apartment all day. I was kept occupied with unpacking the boxes of bedding, towels and kitchen utensils CeCe had ordered. As I slid a set of lethally sharp chef’s knives into the block, I felt like a newly married woman setting up my first home. Except I wasn’t. Nowhere near it.
Once I had unpacked, I set to work on turning the long terrace into a garden in the air. I used what little I had left in my savings and almost my full month’s allowance from Pa Salt to buy anything I could to create as much immediate greenery and colour as possible. As I watched the man from the garden centre heave the big terracotta pot – filled with a gorgeous camellia covered in tiny white buds – onto the terrace, I knew Pa Salt would be turning in his grave at the extravagance, but I pushed the thought away, telling myself that on this occasion he’d understand.
The following Wednesday, I dug out suitably sombre clothes for both of us – CeCe had to make do with a pair of black jeans as she didn’t own a single skirt or dress.
All the sisters had been in touch by text or email, asking CeCe and me to send their love to Ally. Tiggy – the sister I was probably closest to after CeCe – called me in person to ask me to give her a huge hug.
‘I so wish I could be there,’ she sighed. ‘But the guns are out up here and we have a lot of injured deer in just now.’
I promised I’d give Ally the hug and smiled as I thought of my gentle younger sister and her passion for animals. She worked at a deer sanctuary up in Scotland, and I’d thought when she’d taken the job how apt it was for her. Tiggy was as light on her feet as the deer themselves – I remembered vividly going to watch her dance in a school production when she was younger and how transfixed I had been by her grace.
CeCe and I headed across the bridge to Chelsea, where Theo’s funeral was to be held.
‘Wow, there are even television cameras and press photographers here,’ whispered CeCe as we stood queuing to get into the church. ‘Should we wait for Ally to arrive and say hello, do you think?’
‘No. Let’s just sit at the back somewhere. I’m sure we can see her afterwards.’
The large church was already packed to the gills. Kind people shoved up on a pew at the back and we were able to squeeze in at the end. Leaning to one side, I saw the altar, a good twenty paces in front of where we sat. I felt humbled and awed at how well-loved Theo must have been to draw these hundreds of people here to say goodbye to him.
A sudden hush silenced the chatter and the congregation turned as eight young men proceeded past us down the aisle bearing his coffin. Followed by a petite blonde woman, who was leaning on the arm of my sister.
I looked at Ally’s drawn features and saw the tension and sorrow etched onto her face. As she passed me, I wanted to stand up and hug her then and there, to tell her how proud I was of her. And how much I loved her.
The service was one of the most uplifting yet painful hours of my life. I listened to the eulogies on this man I had never met, yet whom my sister had loved. When we were told to pray, I put my head in my hands and cried for a life cut short so young, and for my sister, whose life had also been brought to a standstill by his loss. I cried too for the loss of Pa Salt, who had not given his girls the opportunity to grieve in the traditional way. It was then I understood for the first time why these ancient rituals were so vital: they provided structure at a time of emotional chaos.
I watched Ally from afar as she arrived at the altar steps, surrounded by a small orchestra, and her strained smile as she put the flute she had trained for years to play to her lips. The famous melody of ‘The Sailor’s Hornpipe’ rang through the church. I followed suit as everyone around me began to rise to their feet and fold their arms, before beginning the traditional knee-bending movements, until the whole congregation was bobbing up and down in time with the music. When it ended, the entire church erupted into applause and cheers. I knew it was a moment I would never forget.
I turned to CeCe as we sat down and saw that tears were pouring down her cheeks. It moved me further to see that my sister, who rarely showed emotion, was crying like a baby.
I grasped her hand. ‘You okay?’
‘Beautiful,’ she muttered, wiping her eyes roughly on her forearm. ‘Just beautiful.’
As Theo’s coffin was borne out of the church, his mother and Ally followed behind it. I briefly caught Ally’s eye and saw a shadow of a smile cross her face. CeCe and I took our turn to follow the coffin outside with the rest of the mourners, and stood on the pavement, both unsure what to do.
‘Do you think we should just leave? There are so many people here. Presumably Ally will have to speak to all of them,’ said CeCe.
‘We have to say hello. Give her a quick hug at least.’
‘Look, there she is.’
We saw Ally, her red-gold hair falling in waves around her unnaturally pale face, emerge from the crowd and walk towards a man who was standing alone. Something about their body language told me that we shouldn’t interrupt, but we moved closer so she would see us when she had finished.
Eventually, she turned away from him, and her face lit up as she came towards us.
Wordlessly, CeCe and I threw our arms around her. And hugged her as tightly as we could.
CeCe spoke to her, telling her how sorry we were. I found it hard to say anything; I knew I was close to tears again. And I felt they weren’t mine to shed.
‘Aren’t we, Star?’ CeCe prompted me.
‘Yes,’ I managed. ‘It was such a beautiful service, Ally.’
‘Thank you.’
‘And wonderful to hear you playing the flute. You haven’t lost your touch,’ CeCe added.
‘Listen, I have to go with Theo’s mum, but will you come back to the house?’ Ally asked.
‘I’m afraid we can’t. But listen, our apartment’s only over the bridge in Battersea, so when you’re feeling a bit better, just give us a bell and pop round, yes?’ CeCe suggested.
‘We’d really love to see you, Ally,’ I said, giving her another hug. ‘All the girls send their love to you. Take care of yourself, won’t you?’
‘I’ll try. And thanks again for coming. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.’