I wrapped my fingers around her pendant and held it tightly. Ragna was the only one who understood what it meant to feel like a prisoner. Right now, I needed whatever level of understanding we had.
The least decayed part of the ship was at its very center. Shielded from the elements and the less adventurous scavenger crabs, most of the interior remained sodden but intact. A lone skeleton lay on the remains of a framed box in the enclosed cabin. I supposed humans used the boxes as beds, though they didn’t look very comfortable. He held a pair of rusting crossed blades over his bare ribs. Swallowing distaste, I pried one of the blades from his brittle fingers. I swished it through the water, hoping it would be strong enough to help me break pieces of the fragile wood from the ship’s walls.
Behind me, someone cleared his throat. I whirled around, raising the blade.
“I thought I might find you here,” Havamal said. He swam slowly toward me, hand half raised, as if to calm me as he would a frightened whale. “I asked about you when the first girl came through. I was worried about how nervous you’d be. And how safe, especially after I saw that human pendant you were wearing. She said you’d gone first. The sentry said he’d seen you swim off.”
So he was tracking me now, inquiring after my every movement. Annoyance bubbled up inside me. This was supposed to be my chance. “So you thought you’d just chase after me? Did it even occur to you that I might want to be alone?”
“The next girl to come out said that you passed… that you were the best in decades.” A small smile lit up his face. He swam closer and rested his hand on my back. “That’s great. I’m so proud of you. You don’t have to be afraid of it anymore.”
Proud of me? He was proud of me? With all my strength, I pushed him away and into the wall behind him. “I was never afraid. I did it because I was tired of Vigdis saying there was something wrong with me.”
Wincing from the impact, Havamal muttered, “Well, you won’t have to worry about Vigdis saying anything ever again.”
“That’s right!” I snapped.
Havamal took a seat on the edge of a wooden chest and crossed his muscular arms over his chest. His beautiful, pure silver scales twinkled in the dim light and reflected in his eyes. He whispered in a conspiratorial tone, “She’s not fertile. Only two eggs.”
Even though I knew what kind of person it made me, my heart soared. All those years of enduring Vigdis’s teasing and veiled insults, and, it turned out, she was the one who was broken!
It was too easy to slip back into the easy mode we’d always shared, gossiping together in the hull of the dead ship. With news like that, I couldn’t stay angry at him. “What?” I sat beside him and rested the blade over my lap. “Two? Are you serious?”
He nodded emphatically. “Just two. She’s beside herself.”
I covered my mouth, stifling a giggle. I knew I shouldn’t laugh, but I couldn’t help it.
Plucking the sword from my lap, Havamal examined the edge of the blade. Then his deft fingers traced the clouded jewels on the hilt. “I can’t believe you stole from a corpse, even if it’s a human. Thor’s going to zap you all the way from Asgard, you know.”
I punched his arm. “Like we haven’t done it before a thousand times. Thor doesn’t care what the merfolk do.”
He snorted, returning the blade to my lap. “Me, never. You’ve always been the rebel.”
“You sure? I seem to remember that you were the one convincing me to sneak out at night.”
He rubbed the back of his head. “I’m not confirming.”
A moan pealed through the ship as a strong wave passed overhead. Havamal’s fingers brushed the blue scale patterns on my palm. I let my weight sag into the reassuring and familiar firmness of his torso. A deep breath escaped, and a feeling like relief made my body feel boneless. How long had it been since we had done this?
“Erie,” he whispered, bringing his fingers up to toy with a curl in my hair. Hesitantly, he touched the ornament around my neck and rubbed the detailed engravings with his thumb. Bubbles from his breath tickled my earlobe. “I still love you, you know.”
A sob caught inside me. Whatever easiness I’d felt vanished. He always had to ruin things. “Did you come here to convince me… convince me to be your mate?”
He shook his head. “Nah. I know you’ll need some time.”
I looked up into his storm-gray eyes and his full, blood-red lips. I had to be honest with him, even though it hurt both of us. “I don’t know if time is what I need.”
Havamal stiffened, and when he spoke again, his voice sounded forced. “I know you want to explore. I know you want your freedom… whatever that means. And I’m sorry that isn’t what I want anymore. I’m happy here. I have a position. I want to build a life.”
I nodded, setting my jaw. “We had plans to build a life.”
“We had stupid childish dreams,” he snapped, throwing up his hands. “You really think we could make it out there? Just the two of us? Swimming endlessly around the ocean forever?”
“We could have made it to the south,” I said. “Everyone knows our kind haven’t lived in this ice cave forever.”
“And what, you’d leave all our friends? Your Mama?”
“I don’t have any friends! All anyone ever talks about is the ceremony and about finding mates.” I tried to ignore what he said about Mama. She’d be all alone and the thought of that made something die inside me. But she would understand, and I knew she’d be happy for me. She knew why I couldn’t stay. She’d be relieved that I’d gone somewhere better.
“Well, I do!” He yelled back, squaring his shoulders. “And I don’t want to feel torn between them and you.”
“Then choose them!” I screamed. “I’m not asking you to choose me, because I won’t choose you if it means I have to stay here. You’re not worth that to me.”
My whole body trembled with anger and pain, but I was way past the point of tears. We’d always argued, even when we were kids. But now there was venom in the water between us. We poisoned each other whenever we were together.
“I don’t want to spend my life alone in the dark,” I whispered.
“You think I would do that to you?” He sighed and closed his eyes, and I watched his expression change as he forced his anger down deep. Then his fingers cupped my chin, gentle but shaking. “It would be your choice. Always your choice. But I didn’t come here to fight. Just promise me there’s no one else?”
A choked laugh erupted from me and I shoved him, but there was no vehemence in it. “Of course there’s no one else. I can’t even tolerate anyone else.”
That teased a smile from him. Brushing my hair behind my ears, he got up and hovered in the water in front of me. “Just promise me you’ll think about it?”
I sighed and didn’t protest any further, because arguing with him only hurt both of us. “I will.”