“That you killed that dirtbag.” She sat on the sofa across from me.
The room was spinning, and the lights were too bright. My head ached like my skull had been cracked, so I placed the glass right against my head. I closed my eyes and tried to absorb the coldness, but it didn’t make a difference.
“You doing okay?”
“Fine.”
Ariel opened her notebook. “I think we should talk about the offer from Constantin. I think expanding would be good.”
“Who’s Constantin?”
“The man we had lunch with yesterday,” she said calmly.
I couldn’t remember him. “Oh…whatever you think is best.” I opened my eyes and looked out the window again. The room was spinning harder than before. I could barely keep my eyes open because it was so bright. Every other second, I thought of London, and that made me feel a million times worse. I slowly slid sideways and spilled the drink all over me.
“Crewe, are you sure you’re okay?” Ariel leapt up and grabbed the glass out of my hand before I could spill it everywhere.
“I said I was fine.” I lay back on the couch and propped my feet up. “I’m just…”
She placed her palm against my forehead.
I smacked her away. “Don’t fucking touch me.” Ariel hadn’t done anything to me, but I was so angry at the entire world that everyone was a target. I hated all of my employees. I hated anyone who was happy. “Go touch Cassandra.”
Ariel didn’t rise to my anger. “I’m calling the doctor. I think you have alcohol poisoning.”
“Are you a doctor now?” I snapped. “Just shut the fuck up and leave me alone.”
Ariel went silent, but her anger was loud. “I suggest you watch your mouth.”
“Why? Because you’ll just leave me like everyone else?” I sat up quickly and got to my feet, determined to storm out and prove a point I didn’t have. But I lost my balance and crashed into the table.
“Crewe!” Ariel grabbed me by the arms and helped me to the floor. “That’s it, I’m calling a doctor.”
“Don’t.”
She pulled out her phone and pressed it to her ear.
“I said, don’t.” I smacked her hand so the phone went flying.
“Jesus Christ, Crewe. Calm down.” She left me on the ground and retrieved the phone. She made the call.
I didn’t stop her because I couldn’t move. Otherwise, I would have grabbed her phone again and snapped it in two.
She talked in the background, speaking to a nurse or some other medical professional.
Shortly afterward, I blacked out.
I woke up in my bed. Well, my old bed. It was the bed I used to sleep in with London.
I’d been sleeping in the other room since she left.
An IV was in my arm, and monitors on wheels were connected to my bed. A blood pressure cuff tightened on my arm uncomfortably, and that’s probably why I woke up in the first place. I opened my eyes wider and found Ariel sitting at my bedside.
It suddenly dawned on me that I had no one in my life who cared about me.
All I had was Ariel.
I didn’t have any friends or family.
I didn’t have London.
I had nothing.
Ariel approached the bed when she realized I was awake. “Hey, Crewe. How are you feeling?”
I felt the same as I did last time I was awake. “What time is it?”
“One.”
I looked out the window and saw the daylight. “So…I’ve been asleep for, like, an hour?”
“More like twenty-four hours.”
“Oh…”
“Crewe, the doctor said your blood alcohol level was so high he’s surprised you didn’t slip into a coma and die.”
“Damn…should have drunk more, then.”
She gave me the coldest look I’d ever seen. “Crewe…”
I couldn’t stand her look, so I turned my gaze to the other side of the room. “I’ll cut back on the drinking, alright? Just so I don’t get sick like this again. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
“I want to understand why you’re behaving this way.”
“Behaving like what?” I’d completely lost myself. Now all I wanted to do was be the biggest jackass in the world.
“Like you’ve lost your mind.”
“I have lost my mind.”
She scooted closer to me on the bed and rested her hand on mine.
I yanked it away, not wanting any affection from anyone—not even London.
“I know London left and it’s been hard for you—”
“I don’t care that she left.” It was the most pathetic lie I ever told. Ariel certainly didn’t believe me, not when I didn’t even find myself convincing. “I hate her. I fucking hate her.”
“I know…but you can’t let it destroy you like this.”
“It’s not about her,” I said quickly. “You wouldn’t understand.” No one would understand.
“I know you pretty well, so I might understand.”
I was pretty sure I was still drunk even though I was awake. I was still a little dizzy. Even though I’d slept for twenty-four hours, I could fall back asleep if I wanted to. “I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until I was happy. And that’s when I realized I’d never been happy my entire life. Then when I was happy, I was so scared I was gonna lose it. I felt whole, complete. Then London left, and it was hard…really hard. But when she came back…everything was good. I finally had what I’ve always wanted. I finally had the kind of joy I didn’t think I’d ever attain. Then she didn’t want me anymore. Now I know I’ll never be happy again.” I couldn’t believe I was telling her any of this. I sounded like such a pussy. “I’m not meant to be happy. I’m meant to be cold, cruel, and empty. But I wish I’d never been happy to begin with. I wish I’d never known such a feeling. Because living without it…is cruel.”
It was the first time Ariel looked genuinely sad. She lowered her head as she processed what I said. “You could always be happy with someone else, Crewe. Someone better.”
“I’ll never be happy with someone else. She was everything I wanted. We were perfect together. She understood me. But it didn’t matter how good I was to her. It didn’t matter what I sacrificed for her. It wasn’t good enough. That hurts most of all…”
She kept her head bowed.
“I know I shouldn’t have lost control like I did…but what the fuck does it matter? If I die, everything goes to you. Honestly, death doesn’t sound so bad. Experiencing nothing but darkness…sounds peaceful. All I’m doing with my life is making money. And fuck, money doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have anyone to share it with, anyone to trust. Fucking sucks.” I regretted everything I said as soon as I said it. I shouldn’t have spoken my mind, opened my heart. I sounded pathetic, even to my own ears. “Forget everything I said. I’ll get back on my feet…just give me some time.”
She leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms over her chest. She didn’t feed me empty words to make me feel better. She didn’t give me a stupid pep talk to get me on my feet. She just accepted me for who I was.