“But do they know where I am?” I ask.
“Not from me,” he says lightly. “They’re still offering huge rewards for you, you know. Every time they up the amount, I just have to show it to Dr. Ash, and she gives me a bonus worth twice that much. It’s a good deal, to my way of thinking. It may not show, but I’m quite a wealthy guy.”
Like a faltering stone, my heart slips off the edge of a cliff and plummets. I’ll never get out of here. Ian will never help me escape.
“I want to go home,” I say. It slips out before I can even think.
“You don’t mean that,” he says. “This is where you get the treatment you need. Remember? You’re getting better.”
“Am I?”
“Of course. You shouldn’t worry. Look at your mint here,” he says running a finger through the sprig. “It’s just what you wanted.”
“From your grandmother’s greenhouse, you said.”
Ian smiles. “Yes. Funny thing. She’s always telling me to find a girlfriend, but she has no idea. I live with her and look out for her now that my dad’s gone to California. He got me this job. Sometimes I wish I could bring you home for Sunday dinner, but of course, I can’t.”
“Would she like me?” I ask.
“Are you kidding? She’d love you,” he says. “I’ve been watching old episodes of The Forge Show with her so she can see what you’re like, but I never tell her you’re here. It’s an amazing secret. She thinks I’m just your fan.”
I touch the mint lightly to my lips, and his gaze drops to the gesture. A slow blush comes up his cheeks, and his eyes grow warm again.
“You’re so sweet,” he says. “Sweet as honey.”
He is not the most original guy, but I smile as if I’m flattered.
“What’s your middle name?” I ask.
“Give me the mint.”
I breathe it in. “Not yet, please. Come on. Tell me your middle name.”
“Try to guess.”
It must be something creepy. “Roderick?”
He laughs. “It’s John. Ian John Cowles. It’s kind of repetitive because ‘Ian’ is Scottish for ‘John.’ Now give me the mint. Be good.”
I hand him the mint slowly. “And what’s the date today?”
His smile fades. “You don’t need to know that.”
“Yes, I do,” I say, smiling again. “Please? Tell me what the date is. Is it still February?”
“The last time I told you the date, you got upset.”
“I won’t be upset,” I say. “I just need to know. I can’t tell how much time is passing unless you tell me.”
“It isn’t too much time,” he says. “Close your eyes.”
“Don’t put me out again! We have to talk!”
“We did talk. That’s enough for now.”
“Did we have Valentine’s Day yet?” I ask.
He hesitates, looks guilty.
We did. I can tell. Time is vanishing without me.
“You have to let me out of here!” I say. “Please, Ian. You can’t let them keep me here. It’s not right!”
His expression shuts down, and he reaches for the clamp on my drip. “We can’t have these little breakdowns, Rosie.”
I struggle against my panic. I’ve made a mistake. “I take it back,” I say, and I reach for his hand. “I’m fine. I know you can’t let me out. That wasn’t fair to ask. I want to stay here with you, anyway. I love being here with you. You’re taking such good care of me.”
He sighs and pulls his hand free. “Just close your eyes, Rosie. Don’t make this hard.”
“Why? What does it matter if I close my eyes?”
“I don’t like seeing the whites.”
“Are there others here who don’t close their eyes?” I ask.
He shifts uncomfortably. “No.”
“Ian, is there another dreamer like me? One you talk to?”
“There was only one who opened her eyes sometimes,” he says. “She never talked to me. I’m not sure she even saw me. She’s not here anymore.”
Alarm shatters through me. “Where is she?”
He doesn’t answer.
“Did she get mined out?” I ask. “Is that what happened? Did they move her to the main research center?”
“Close your eyes,” he says more loudly. “Don’t make me be mean.”
With a sense of horror, I obey him. I squeeze them tight, and I struggle to make my tone light again. “Thank you for bringing me the mint. It was such a perfect surprise.”
“I try to be nice,” he mumbles. “It’s never enough.”
“Of course it’s enough,” I say. “You’re amazing. I’m sorry I lost it there a few minutes ago. I just started hoping we could be together for real.”
“We can’t. We only have this.”
Sightless, I wait to feel his kiss on my cheek again, and I fight a new wave of despair. It’s so hard to make any progress with him, and now I fear I’m not the first to try.
“You’re pretty when you relax,” Ian says quietly.
A soft, bumbling touch along my hair sends my scalp tingling.
I loathe him more than ever. “Thank you,” I say.
“Let’s never fight.”
The meds are already making it hard for my words to come. “Okay,” I whisper.
He strokes my hair a second time, and a third, like I’m some big pet doll. I catch another whiff of the mint, very near. This time, I don’t fight the narcotics, but it still takes a full, awful count of five before I’m out.
5
THEA
THE POINT OF A FORTUNE
MY BODY WASN’T A VIRGIN ANYMORE. Clearly.
But I hadn’t had sex. The most I’d done with Linus was kiss him. The kissing had been very nice, actually, but we could never go too far on The Forge Show, and honestly, that was okay with me. In a way, the cameras made it more exciting because I felt the buzz of taboo at the edge of my consciousness. I could sense the viewers coming on board and my blip rank rising. But the cameras also set a safe boundary, a precise edge of frustration. I could give in to the wild pull I felt with Linus because we both knew, at a certain point, we would have to stop.
It was strange to think of how much I’d shared with Linus, and how messed up things had gotten with him. Now I was pregnant without even a memory of the sex that had gotten me here. It seemed totally unfair. I didn’t even know what Althea’s boyfriend looked like. I had no way to imagine kissing him, let alone anything more advanced.
“I can’t help wondering what she’s thinking,” Diego said.
I’m thinking about the sex I haven’t had, I thought.
Diego was back in his chair by the window, and Madeline was sitting beside me, reading some report. She glanced up and flipped the page closed.
“Does her face look a little fuller to you?” Madeline asked.
“Maybe,” he said. “Yes.”
Behind him, the sky was overcast today. The roses had been replaced by a vase of red tulips with loose, arching stems.