“If that’s what you want.”
My family was lost to me. Completely gone. What else mattered? I didn’t want to think at all. I wanted to mourn alone on a desert island and forget that Dubbs and Ma and Larry ever existed. I clicked my fingernail back against my window and traced the path of the crescent moon as we whizzed by.
Hours later, we pulled up to a motel in the middle of nowhere. I’d never stayed in a motel before. I didn’t know we were old enough, but the cheerless clerk of the Midway Motel took one look at my belly and asked no questions. After Tom handed over his card, we trudged up to a beige room that smelled of air freshener. Two big beds were covered with brown, geometric spreads, and a painting of orange horses was nailed to the wall. It was perfectly dismal, just like me.
“I could go find some food,” he said. “You should probably eat something for the baby’s sake.”
I wasn’t hungry at all, but I knew he was right. While I took a shower, Tom went out to scavenge, and by the time I came out in my tee shirt and pajama shorts, he was back with some Indian food. We sprawled on the big beds to eat. When I took a paper plate and spooned some chicken tikka masala onto a little pile of rice, it was, unfortunately, the same color as the horse painting on the wall.
“At least try to eat,” Tom said kindly.
“I shouldn’t have gone to Doli,” I said. “You were right. Are you going to be right about everything?”
“No. Just the important things. Go on. Eat.”
I tried a bite. It was actually really good, so naturally I felt like crying.
“Listen,” Tom said. “You’re going to live a long time. Those people could still come around some day. They might not ever be your normal family, but they could still be something.”
“They were never normal to begin with,” I said.
“See, then? No problem,” Tom said. “At least the people you love are still alive.”
I moved a bit of rice between the tines of my plastic fork. He seemed to be saying that he knew Althea was dead. I waited to see if he would elaborate, but he didn’t. In no time at all, he had helped himself to seconds and was eating steadily.
“Where are we? Where have you been driving us?” I asked.
“Back to Holdum,” he said. “Where else?”
I had a sharp realization. I still had one other person in my family: Rosie. I had told Linus that I thought she would go find him, but it was just as likely she would try to find Berg. That was who she was mad at. Why hadn’t I thought of that earlier? Berg was at Forge, and now that I knew Rosie hadn’t gone home to Doli, I had to believe that Forge was her likely destination.
“I need to call Linus,” I said, reaching for my phone.
“Don’t bother him. It’s the middle of the night,” Tom said.
“I want to ask him if he’s heard from Rosie. I think she might be going to Forgetown.”
“Kansas? Is that where you want to go?” he asked. “They’re not going to know you at the Forge School, either.”
“I know, but that’s the point,” I said, my mind leaping. “I should take advantage of that. Everybody thinks I’m Althea, not Rosie.” I started getting excited. “We can take a tour of the Forge School campus. I could spy around.”
“What good would that do you?”
“I could find out about Berg and his research.” I already knew exactly where I wanted to go. I had to get back down to the vault of dreamers. I wanted to see the place where everything went wrong, and I’d figure out the rest of it from there. “Definitely Forgetown,” I said.
“Would that make you feel better?” he asked.
“Yes.” It felt good to have direction again.
“Then we’ll go,” he said. “But don’t bother Linus, and after that, let’s go back to Holdum. Your parents still hate me, but they take the best care of you. That’s where your future is.”
He surprised me again. I took a long look at Tom, with his blond hair and even features. He was calmly cleaning up our take-out containers and napkins.
“What about your future?” I asked.
“What do you mean? I’m taking care of my dad, and you if you’ll let me.”
“But what about your dreams? What would you do if you could do anything?”
“Anything? I’d have my old Thea back,” he said. “We’d get married and raise the kid together. Maybe have a couple more.”
It was a sweet dream. Impossible, but sweet.
“What would you do for work?” I asked. “Take over your dad’s cattle ranch?”
He straightened to look over at me and smiled slowly. “It’s a sheep ranch, but yes. I plan to pay off Dad’s loans and keep the ranch.”
Nice, I thought.
“How about you?” he asked.
“If I could do anything?” I searched for the right idea. “If I could do it without hurting the baby, I’d get back in my old body. But that’s impossible.”
He waved a hand as if he commanded magic. “Okay. But suppose you did. Suppose you were back in your old body, and you could still do anything. What then?”
“I’d visit my family. Then I’d want to stop Berg from hurting anybody else.”
“That’s good. Berg stopped. Then what?”
I hardly knew. I smiled at him, feeling better. “My dream before was to make films,” I said.
“You could still be a filmmaker.”
I turned the idea over. He was right. I’d been so driven before, back when I started at Forge. What had happened to that girl? I watched Tom as he sorted through the items in his backpack. Maybe I was imagining it, but it felt like something had changed between us. He seemed more patient, but sad, too.
“Are you all right?” I asked.
“Yeah. Fine. I think I’ll take a shower, too. Do you want the lights out?”
I had to brush my teeth still, but afterward, while he took a turn in the bathroom, I climbed into the bed near the windows. I put a spare pillow between my knees. When he came back out, I held very still, nervous that he might get into bed with me. The baby rolled languidly inside me. The lights went out, and then, with the rustle of fresh cotton, the covers of the other bed shifted. His bed squeaked as he got in.
“Good night,” he said.
I eyed the crack of starlight between the curtains. “Good night,” I replied.
The drain in the bathroom made a burbling noise, and I carefully smoothed my hair back from my forehead.
“I wish you had one of Thea’s old memories,” Tom said. His voice came quietly in the darkness. “Just one, about anything.”
His wish lingered between us, tinging the night with loss. It hit me, finally, what had changed. If Tom accepted that I was really Rosie in Althea’s body, then he was also accepting that his girlfriend was truly gone. As I lay listening, and finally sagged into the warmth of my pillow, I kept trying to think of something kind enough to say back to him, but I couldn’t.
26
ROSIE