“Riley, stop.” Jordan’s firm voice shocks me back to sanity—and I wish it hadn’t because I don’t want to see the pain in Mama’s face. He reaches up for my hand and I jerk it away without thinking.
“You’re right.” Mama gives a soft shake of her head and I see a sense of peace in her eyes for the first time in a very long while. “About everything, you’re absolutely right.”
Mama leans back in her chair and looks down at her hands before taking a deep breath. “But the lying ends now. I’ll tell you everything, Riley. I promise. I want you to know, because I see that all those things I did trying to protect you are only hurting you.”
Her entire body seems to tremble, and I run to her, throwing my arms tight around her and burying my face against her shoulder. After a moment, I hear the tinkling of glass. Looking up, I see Jordan picking up the empty bottles off the counter and grabbing the mostly full kitchen trash bag as he moves toward the back door. “I’ll take this out,” he says quietly.
He sends me a tentative smile and I mouth my thanks before he heads out to the garbage.
Mama watches him with a thoughtful look on her face. Then, without a word, she turns to me. “You need to understand why I did what I did, Riley. Why I stayed with him and remained quiet after I found out he was cheating. Your father wasn’t the only one who made terrible mistakes.”
My hands go cold, but I clutch hers tightly, afraid to interrupt her in case she stops talking. Jordan, who’d entered just as she said her last sentence, freezes in the doorway.
Mama continues. “You were two. It was before your father ever cheated. We were so happy…” She opens her mouth a few times, but nothing comes out.
I grab her a glass of water, waiting for her to compose herself a bit.
“I had to work really late one night at a restaurant I managed at the time.” She drinks a long sip of water and then takes my hand again. Jordan has silently closed the back door and moved to lean against the counter, but I can see from his face that he’s listening as intently as I am.
“Daddy always told me to stay the night or call him if I was too tired to drive, but I didn’t.” Her tone quivers. I’m so used to seeing Mama as impenetrable that this is terrifying. I’m filled with a sudden, desperate urge to escape the end of her story, to simply run out the door.
“I just wanted to be in my own bed. I was stiff and exhausted from the long night of work.” Guilt begins to drip like heavy rain from her voice and I dread what’s coming next. “I knew you were asleep and I knew if I called your daddy he’d have to wake you up to come get me, so I got in my car and drove.”
She seems willing to stop there, so I prod her a bit. “What happened, Ma—”
“I fell asleep, Riley. They tell me I rolled the car, went through a barrier and down a hill. By the time I woke up after the accident, I’d been out for several days. Your father was furious, and he would never speak to me about what I had done.” She hesitates and then plows forward, tears filling her eyes. “The baby was already gone. You … you were s-supposed to have a little brother.”
I sit back in my seat in shock and stare at her. I vaguely remember Mama being in the hospital when I was very little. I wasn’t sure if I’d visited her there or just heard my parents mention it. I’d known she’d had a car accident, but nothing else about it. A brother? I have a brother who died and I never knew about it. The first image that comes to my mind is little Matthew. But this time I picture him with Mama’s shining blond hair and Daddy’s smile. A lump forms in my throat and I can’t speak.
“The nurses told me he was terrified he would lose me, too, but by the time I woke up, your father wouldn’t even talk about the baby with me. I guess it was easier for him to just pretend I was never pregnant. Even after that, though, David never mentioned leaving me. When I tried to apologize, he’d walk out of the room. In my head, I had to mourn the baby, Riley. I named him Andrew.” She whispers the name gently, her voice cradling him like her arms never could. Her tears have dried up now, but the devastation on her face is plain and raw. Mama laughs quietly to herself, but it’s a sound of pain instead of joy. “I’m not sure if I’ve ever said his name out loud before.”
“Oh, Mama.” I slide out of my chair to kneel on the ground beside her, wrapping both my arms around her waist as tight as they can go. “It was an accident. It’s not your fault.”
Her sobs come back more intensely than before. She pats my head and I hear Jordan move quietly into the living room. I appreciate him at least trying to give us a little more privacy, even though I really don’t want him to leave.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” she chokes out. “I really wanted you to have a sibling.”
“It’s okay. I don’t blame you,” I whisper softly into Mama’s shoulder.