But there had been hints over the years, things he’d said that suddenly made sense. “I’m sorry.”
“It was a long time ago, but thank you.” He reached over, patting my blanket-covered leg. “When Rider came along, I couldn’t help but think of Adrian. He reminded me of him—the carelessness in the way he approached life, as if he just didn’t give a damn.”
I lowered my gaze, hating the truth of those words. I wasn’t sure if Rider gave a damn about himself or not. I used to think he did.
“And with what happened to that young boy, it really hit home. I let my own experiences get in the way. I don’t know about Rider. Maybe I’m wrong. I hope I am, and according to what Rosa told me, I probably am.”
My eyes met his, and I knew what he was saying, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him it didn’t matter anymore.
His gaze held mine. “I’m going to try. There are going to be times when it seems like I’m not, but I will be. I want you safe and I want you happy. You’re smart enough to make good choices. I forgot that.”
Oh, gosh. Oh, man. Tears stung the backs of my eyes.
“And there’s something else I wanted to tell you. I know I’ve been on you pretty hard about going to med school. I was wrong about that, too. Rosa said you really wanted to look into social work, and I should’ve listened when you first brought that up,” he said, and I let go of the pillow I was holding on to for dear life. “I think it’s an admirable path, and with that right there, you proved that you will make smart choices. I see that now.”
Several seconds passed where I was frozen and there was nothing but his words repeating over and over.
Then something cracked inside me, and it was a good shattering. I sprang forward and wrapped my arms around Carl’s shoulders, nearly knocking him off the bed.
He caught himself and me, and he hugged me back. For the first time in years, the knot in my throat didn’t get stuck. Emotion didn’t choke me. The tears didn’t fade away. They broke free.
Chapter 37
The butterfly was taunting me.
I stared at the sketch Rider had drawn of me the day Jayden had been killed—no, he hadn’t been killed. He’d been murdered. There was something about that word that made it hard to think and speak, but I forced myself to label what happened to Jayden correctly. He hadn’t died like Marquette from a tragic, natural cause. He hadn’t been killed in an unexpected car accident. He’d been murdered in a senseless act of violence, like Carl’s brother.
My gaze drifted to the butterfly soap carving and then back to the sketch. One was complete. One wasn’t. Closing my eyes, I turned away as my mind floated back through the long day at school.
Rider had looked a mess in class and had barely murmured hello, and it was like there were a million miles between us. At the end of class I had thought he was about to say something to me, but he had changed his mind. All he said was goodbye and then he’d left.
Keira had noticed the difference between us immediately and it didn’t take much for her to figure out that Rider and I...that we were no more. “It might just be what’s going on with Jayden and stuff. You’re not asking for my advice, obviously, but...don’t give up, Mallory. Anyone can see you belong together.”
I knew that Jayden’s murder had taken a heavy toll on Rider, but that wasn’t the only thing he was dealing with.
What was wrong with Rider was something that not only ran deep, but also was etched into his bones and ingrained into the fibers of his muscles.
I didn’t know what could change the way he saw himself or if anything could. All I knew was that it took years for me to get where I was today and I still had a lot of work to do.
As much as I wanted to hope that change was possible for Rider, I knew it wouldn’t ever happen until he was ready.
And he wasn’t.
*
“We need to talk.”
My back stiffened as I stood in front of my locker Friday before lunch. Nothing good ever followed when Paige said those words. I had no idea what she thought we had to talk about, but I closed the locker door and faced her as I started to shove my speech text into my bag. I stopped when I saw her.
Paige’s eyes were puffy and red. Her hair was slicked back in a low ponytail, and the sweats she wore were a size or two too large. She took a deep breath and her shoulders squared as she stared down at me. “You and I don’t really get along and we only have, like, one thing in common.” She stated what she thought was the obvious, but we had more in common than she realized and maybe that was why there wasn’t a hint of animosity in her tone. “And that’s Rider.”
I tensed.
“I don’t know what the hell is going on between you two, but I think it’s pretty fucked up that you pulled this crap after what happened with Jayden.”