As I sit waiting for my flight, I press my hand over my lower belly. It’s too early for me to show, but I can feel her in there. Her or him. My baby bean. I feel all the more hurt knowing that he left our baby, too.
I cry some more. Were we not worth it? All my old ghosts rattle their chains. No one loves you. No one wants you. You’re not good enough. Too fat, too plain, not clever, serious, uptight, greedy, stupid.
Maybe I really am. Why can’t I get this right—love? Why did I get back involved with Gabe?
I really am stupid. I just…I do what I feel. I don’t use my brain, I follow my heart. I turn my ring around, so that the diamond’s pointed toward my palm, and fold my arms around myself.
After a few minutes, I check my phone again. I can’t believe he hasn’t even texted me. He must be getting back together with her. Maybe he somehow is Geneva’s father. Wouldn’t that beat all? Gabe has a family, doesn’t need one.
Early boarding starts. I take a look around—a desperate look, for him—and when I don’t see him, I ask if I can get on early. “I’m pregnant, and I’m not feeling great.”
“Of course,” the attendant says. “And congratulations!”
I smile my thanks and find my seat: A21. I prop my head in my hand, wiping discreetly at my eyes. And there I stay, in my pose of shame and disappointment, until a low voice interrupts my thoughts.
“Is this seat taken?”
I look up and do a double-take.
Gabe.
He looks tired and rumpled, but as he sits, he gives me a sad, tired smile.
“What are you doing here?” I ask through tears.
He reaches for me. There’s nowhere for me to move, so I just shut my eyes and keep my hands folded around myself. “I’m so fucking sorry, Marley. I can explain everything, and more…”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to hear it.” I’m too scared to hear it.
“Well, I want to tell it. And not here. C’mon with me, Marley. I’ve got our plane ready, if you want to go home. Don’t go yet, though… I want to show you all around. I want to introduce you to my agent and my publisher.”
“As what?” I whisper, wiping my damn stupid eyes.
“Marley…for a trusting, self-professed romantic, you’re not very trusting.” To my shock and horror, Gabe scoops me up and starts to carry me down the aisle.
I start to squeal until I see all the eyes on us. Then I just hang onto him and duck my head. As we step off the plane, I hear someone say, “Gabriel McKellan,” and “…that ring!”
I realize it must have gotten twisted, pointed outward. Oops.
When Gabe sets me on my feet in the jet bridge, I shove his arm. “I can’t believe you just did that.”
“Marley, you’re still crying.”
“Yes—I’m pregnant. Did you know that? Okay. Pregnant Marley.” I sigh. “So, what is it? Where the fuck were you?”
I can see the shock on his face, and somewhere distant, I feel sorry for cursing at him out in public. But the rest of me is furious.
“You disappeared with your ex-wife—ex-partner, whatever she is—and your daughter? And you just thought that would be fine,” I fume.
“Oh, fuck.” His eyes widen. “You knew that?”
“Yes, I knew that! I heard you guys. And then I watched you through the peephole. I wanted to come outside, of course, and ask what the hell was going on, but I didn’t want to scare Geneva or upset her.”
Gabe squeezes his eyes shut. “Jesus, Marley. I’m not sure you should get married to me. Maybe I don’t deserve the second chance.”
That makes me laugh. “My thinking, too…Gabe, not really. What the hell went on, and where were you?”
He takes my hand…kisses my hand. “It’s kind of long and winding.”
“Give me the short version so I don’t get sick again. This is too much stress for a pregnant lady.”
“Is it really? Do you feel sick?” He looks worried.
“If I tell you yes, will you swear never to disappear in the middle of the night again?”
He nods. “I’m sorry.”
“So…” We’re walking through the airport, headed who knows where; I hope he knows.
Gabe exhales sharply. “Madeline came—she got my hotel info from fucking Roy, my agent—and she tried to tell me Gen was really mine, by blood. That she had falsified the genetic testing.” Gabe laughs dryly. “As if that would help her cause. I called her bluff pretty damn early. After that, she started saying she wanted me back. That was when I suggested we go downstairs to the hotel restaurant. Gen was right there with us. She was happy to see me, but she could tell what we were talking about. I wasn’t thinking when I started hurrying Maddy down the hall. I didn’t have my phone. I figured we’d be gone for maybe an hour, most. You wouldn’t notice. You had been asleep when I stepped out. I figured with this going on—” he touches my belly— “you’d be sleeping like the dead. So anyway, we get downstairs and she just falls apart. In front of Gen. And that’s when I realized she was drinking…or on something. Turns out, Gen’s biological father broke things off with her. He doesn’t want any more to do with them than he ever did.” Gabe looks pained as he says that. “She’s on her own now, and she knows it. Maddy doesn’t like that kind of life.”
“So what happened?”
“I went to the front desk and called her sister, Adi. Maddy has a twin. And Adi is the one who’s got her head on straight. Aunt Adi came to get Gen.” He frowns, and I squeeze his hand. “While Maddy and I talked. And you know what?”
I shake my head.
“She wants me to take half custody.”
My stomach twists, and he lets go of me so he can wrap an arm around me. “None of this means you should worry, Marley. I told Maddy no—unless she wanted to pay a visit to her lawyer’s office and amend the custody agreement so it’s only about Geneva, and not the two of us. Basically it had said that later, after one whole year of Gen adjusting to me not being her dad, I could see her again every other month or so.”
“And now?” I want to scream out all the anxious pressure in my chest.
“She did it,” he says—and for the first time, I can see the fear on his face. “She took me right then and there and went to her lawyer, woke them up early, and she asked that they amend the papers…giving me more custody.”
“What is it?” I manage to choke out.
“Well, it depends. If I’m living in New York it would be three days of the week. And if I’m not, it would be every six to eight weeks. For four days. I hope you’re not upset. I just—”
I’m shaking my head. “No. Hell no. I’m not upset at all.” I laugh. “I’m happy for you. So happy!”
“You being serious?”
“Of fucking course I am!”
“You’re not pissed that I just got custody of someone else’s—biologically, someone else’s—child?”
“No. I’m not. At all. Because she’s yours. Gabe…c’mon. I can see that. Gen is yours.”
Gabe stops in the middle of the corridor and hugs me tightly. I can hear his heartbeat underneath my ear, can feel his chest pump with his too-fast breaths.
“Thank you. Fuck.” He blows a rough breath out. “That had me worried.”