“I don’t know. It’s weird.” Her voice is soft and quiet—almost hesitant. Then it’s swallowed up by silence. I stand behind a door that leads into her living room, blinking at its fresh coat of white paint and trying not to swallow too loudly.
It’s wrong, this is. I know. And still, I stand here with my breath held.
“I guess this just isn’t what I wanted, you know? Not what I was hoping for. In life,” she adds. The word sounds like a sigh. It’s followed by a pause, during which I ask myself what’s wrong with me.
“Being single, I guess,” she says. “Childless.”
Fuck.
“I don’t know,” she says, a little contemplative. “Honestly? Not really. And I think that’s what bothers me,” she confides—presumably to someone on the other end of her phone call. “I really don’t miss him at all. Isn’t that strange?”
I inhale, slow and quiet.
“I guess we were that way. How the hell did I not know? Was I that desperate? Or more just fucked up?” She gives a wry laugh. “We were engaged!”
I knew this. I knew Marley was engaged: another doctor, someone much older than her. In the official picture that the Fate Tribune ran last year, he looked old enough to be her father.
“He did,” she goes on quietly, causing me to smirk. “And that’s what’s just sad, Carla. I think the bar’s just really low.”
My stomach feels as if it’s being folded into a square.
“You’re right. You’re right,” she says, reluctantly. “I just have to trust the plan, you know? The universe’s plan. Or my eventuality, or fate, or whatever. Har, har. Yes, I know,” she says, and it sounds like she’s smiling. “Something’s coming for me. And if not—I’m coming by myself.” She laughs. “Oh my goodness, speaking of—”
And that’s my cue to go: the realization that she’s probably about to tell her friend about me and my music. I hurry into my work room, where I was heading when I heard her laugh and veered off-course.
There I sink into a wing-backed chair and hold my head in the dark. I haven’t seen her since the night I acted like a fucking idiot, but I’ve been lingering outside the door that leads into her space. Like some kind of stalker. I’m surprised how much this depresses me. With everything else I’ve got going…
I don’t remember closing my eyes, but I must have, because when I wake up, my phone tells me it’s 2:03 a.m.
I blink around the room, stifled by a thick feeling of dread. The feeling that I’m somewhere wrong. That someone needs me. It’s such a powerful sensation, tears prickle the corners of my eyes.
I go quietly down the stairs and to the house’s front door—past the closet, which I finally cleaned up—onto the porch, where I lean against the rail and tell myself, don’t do it, man.
I can’t stop myself from dialing, though. I lean against one of the house’s columns and stare out at the dark-draped lawn.
“Hey there, buddy. How’s it going?” Damnit if my PI doesn’t answer in a Mr. Nice guy tone, even though I’ve called in the middle of the goddamn night.
I rub my forehead. “Going fine, Hugh.”
“What can I help you with, Gabe?”
I grit my teeth, irrationally angry that I have to spell it out. Angry that I’m asking in the first place. “How’s she doing?” I ask darkly.
“Have you been getting—”
“Yes, I got the pictures. Thank you.”
Hugh is silent for a half second. Then in careful tones, he says, “She’s fine. Just fine.”
“Yeah?” My eyes sting as I grit my teeth and lock my jaw.
“Doing just fine. Absolutely okay. Watched a couple hours at a distance today—and just fine.”
My eyes well up. I squeeze them shut. “Okay.” The coolness of the night fills my head and chest. I hear myself say, “That’s all. Thank you, Hugh.”
He says, “Any time, friend.”
*
Marley
My phone buzzes, and I push up off my elbows, where I’ve been leaning over the bathroom sink, waiting to wash this collagen-enhancing mud mask off my face.
I’ve got a text from Kat. ‘ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!!’
I blink my eyes, which feel a little dry in my immobilized, green face. I bend my neck so I can get a better view of my phone, and feel the mask crack as I smile. ‘Ha. Almost. Still good with 7:30?’
‘Bet your face. Still good with Charlie’s >> Moonbeams >> Hospitality?’
‘Haha, IDK, guess we’ll see… I’m kinda tired for all of that.’
‘Put on your spurs, cowgirl’
I roll my eyes and start to wash my face. Charlie’s is Fate’s best restaurant—seafood and steak—and Moonbeams is the go-to bar for normal people. Hospitality is the dive bar, where all the men are wearing dirty boots and all the female regulars are garden tools. I’d have to be drunk right off my ass to go to Hospitality. I don’t plan to get drunk.
As I dress, I tell myself to cheer up—and I really try to. I’m not sick or dying, and I have a safe, comfortable life. There’s nothing tragic about the passage of another year. On the contrary, I should view it as a blessing. One year closer to what I want, right?
It’s my birthday, and I can dress how I want, so I pull on mermaid scale leggings and top them with a long, cream sweater. My hair is bugging me, so I pull it up in a loose bun. Why not be comfortable?
Finally, I pull the strap of my small, leather purse over my chest diagonally, hop onto my bike, and head off toward Charlie’s on Main. I could have driven the two blocks or gotten a ride from Kat or Lainey, but riding my bike is insurance against drinking too much. I’ve had a tiring week at work, and I don’t want to feel like shit all weekend.
When I reach the door of Charlie’s, someone opens from the inside. I don’t even stop to wonder who it is, just step inside and jump out of my skin when the place roars “surprise!”
I let out a little scream as heads pop up from behind booths, the restaurant’s open-concept dining area going from near-empty to near-full in the span of a second. Kat is right here at the forefront, giving me a thumbs-up sign and grinning in a way that says, “forgive me, please.”
“You hussy!” I punch her.
“You love me.” Kat hugs me, and Lainey puts some kind of headband on my head. Turns out, it’s sparkling stars attached to two springs that stick up like horns. “Happy birthday, love!”
Damn, but it’s a total whirlwind. Almost everyone I know is here—except for Mom, who probably declined the invitation due to her need for nonstop oxygen and her hatred of basically everyone. In attendance are Grandma Ellis, Zach, his good friend Clint, two of my favorite high school teachers, all the doctors from the clinic and some of the nurses, Miss Shorter (and her hand-carved crane cane), my old piano teacher, a friend I mentored in cheer when I was a senior and she was a freshman, the now-grown-up Holley children whom I babysat for three years while their parents launched and ran this very restaurant, and Staci, Laurel, and Bitty, three other high school friends I haven’t had a chance to reconnect with yet.