“It’s a real mess right now, Hannah. I’m sorry Ronni is struggling, but I think you should keep your distance.”
Hannah bit her bottom lip and nodded. She had always considered her mom a good person. She was a little superficial, a little snobby, but deep down her mom had a good heart. Kim had taught her children to be grateful for all they had, and to give back to those less fortunate. Every Thanksgiving, the family volunteered at a soup kitchen. At Christmas, they filled shoe boxes with gifts for kids in Africa. But this was different. Lisa was attacking them, threatening their luxurious home, their expensive cars, their affluent existence. . . . Apparently, Ronni didn’t deserve their charity.
“Got it,” Hannah said, and headed back to her room. It was what she had wanted: the all clear to disown Ronni, not risking her tenuous social status with a pity friendship. But the irritating buzz of her conscience kept the events at the party replaying in her mind. She had said she couldn’t remember, but she did. Despite all the alcohol she’d imbibed, Hannah remembered it all. And she couldn’t stop feeling like shit.
hannah
THAT NIGHT
“This is boring,” Lauren said, nibbling a rubbery carrot stick. The five girls were splayed on the couches and on the floor, picking at room-temperature pizza and listening to Drake. There had been some dancing, some gossiping, some giggling as they’d indulged in the sparkling wine and various libations they’d smuggled in, but now the alcohol was gone, leaving a lethargic malaise in its wake.
“We could watch a movie,” Marta suggested lamely.
Ronni groaned, like Marta had suggested making mud pies.
Hannah’s worst fears were manifesting: her party was sucking. It was dull and juvenile and after it, Lauren would deem Hannah unworthy to bask in the glow of her popularity. Hannah felt distressed and panicky, but more than anything, she felt angry at her parents . . . well, at her mom. Kim’s hard-ass rules were the reason this party resembled all the birthdays that had come before it. The woman simply refused to accept that her daughter was growing up! Hannah knew cool parents who let kids drink and smoke dope in their homes: “They’re going to do it anyway, I’d rather they do it under my roof.” But not Kim Sanders. She could never be accused of being cool.
“I brought some of my mom’s Xanax,” Caitlin said. Hannah gave her a grateful smile—the girl was trying—but Ronni and Lauren remained unimpressed. Ronni was busy licking salt off chips and then depositing the soggy remains on a napkin. She barely acknowledged the offer.
“I know what this party needs,” Lauren said with a wicked smile. “Some testosterone.”
“Totally,” Ronni seconded.
“Yeah,” Hannah agreed weakly, but other than inviting her corny dad to join them, she wasn’t sure how to add the hormone to their gathering.
But Lauren clearly had a plan. She was already moving toward the small basement window and inspecting its size. It was small, but discreet entry was still possible. She turned to Hannah and smiled. “Text Noah.”
Of course Hannah complied. How could she not? Her heart pounded as she waited for his response. If he turned her down, her party would be a failure; if he accepted, she risked being grounded for life. She had never disobeyed so many of her parents’ rules before: booze, drugs, boys. . . . All they needed was some cigarettes and porn and it would be a home run. And what would Noah expect from Hannah tonight? She was inviting him to sneak into her unsupervised basement, where they would drink and dance and take drugs. . . . What else would he want? His text arrived and her stomach churned.
Be there in twenty
As the other girls tidied the room, Hannah tiptoed to the main floor in her stocking feet and disabled the alarm. (Both Hannah and Aidan had memorized the code. The alarm was finicky and prone to be set off by wind or sudden cold snaps.) Padding silently through the house, she felt like a burglar. But a burglar wouldn’t have been this nervous. Her heart was pounding so hard she was afraid her parents would hear it from the floor above.
When she returned, Ronni had added to the guest list. “Adam’s coming, too,” she said gleefully.
Lauren pulled Hannah aside. “Ronni’s so hot for Adam, but he’s not into her. He wants me.”
“Really?” Hannah whispered, thrilled to be Lauren’s confidante. “Do you like him?”
“Fuck no,” Lauren said. “He’s so immature. And his eyes are weird. They’re too close together or something.”
Hannah nodded her agreement, though she had never noticed Adam’s weird eyes.
“Ronni can have him,” Lauren said. “I can do better.”
In that moment, Hannah felt there was a real chance she could replace Ronni in Lauren’s affections. She looked over at Ronni then and saw the insecurities shining through her perfect makeup and fashionable outfit. Ronni’s sophistication was clearly a facade, not like Lauren’s. Lauren was the real deal; Ronni was no cooler than Hannah.
“Let’s put on our pajamas,” Ronni suggested.
“Slumber party. Every guy’s wet dream,” Lauren said. The girls scurried to their overnight bags and extracted their sleepwear. Hannah had bought a new nightie for the occasion and she put it on. It had sporty stripes on the sleeves and the number 28 emblazoned across its chest. She had thought it would look cute and sexy, like she was wearing Noah’s football jersey. But now, she realized it would only be cute and sexy if it was Noah’s jersey and not some knockoff she’d picked up at Macy’s. When she saw Ronni in her pink short shorts and tank, and Lauren in a satin slip, she felt dowdy and infantile in her knee-length, boxy garb. Thankfully, Caitlin was wearing full-length dad pajamas and Marta was in a shin-length gown.
There was a soft tap on the glass: the boys had arrived. The girls watched and whispered excitedly as the guys squeezed their large male bodies through the small basement window. When they were in, Noah handed Hannah a bottle of J?germeister. “Happy birthday.” He gave her that sexy, intimate grin, and Hannah knew she’d made the right decision. She was only going to turn sixteen once; she had to make it count.
“Let’s get wasted,” Ronni said, and Lauren echoed the sentiment by grabbing the bottle from Hannah and taking a big drink. As they passed the sweet, strong liquor between them, Hannah felt no guilt, no regrets. Even if her mom came down right now and lost her shit, she couldn’t take away the thrill of this moment. Even if Kim called the other kids’ parents and grounded Hannah for the rest of her life, she would have this memory.
“Let’s get this party started,” Adam said, withdrawing two tabs of ecstasy from his pocket. He put one on his tongue and held out the other. “Who wants?” He was staring at Lauren when he said it, but Ronni stepped up, more than eager to let him place the pill on her outstretched tongue.