Wrapped in his embrace, his lips tickling my ear, he’s making it so damn hard to take my time, to heal. Because, honestly? I want to jump him right now.
He’s so light, so carefree . . . so in love. I can see it, plain as day whenever he looks at me. There is a sparkle in his eyes, a distinct look of awe in his face whenever he catches my eye.
When the ride takes off, a laugh pops out of me because I already know this is going to be a rough ride for me. Every time the cart twists or turns, I slide against him but not once does he let go. Not once does his hand leave my shoulder, or his grip loosen. Never lets me go. So there isn’t a point in time where I feel scared, only . . . free.
Laughing the entire time, I simply enjoy. I let go of my consuming worries about my dad, allow the confusion over Trey to drift. I permit myself to be present, to be in the here and now.
When the ride ends and we’re waiting to be pulled into the loading and unloading station, I rest my head against Aaron’s shoulder. We don’t say anything, but we don’t need to. He kisses my head and squeezes me tight, and I absorb the feeling of being wrapped into his arms again.
This is what home always felt like.
***
“Do you know what you’re going to ask for?” I ask Aaron as we wait in line to visit with Santa. Longest line of the day, something we could have easily skipped, but Aaron refused. He said we came all the way to Hershey Park and there was no way we would miss visiting with Santa when he came all the way from the North Pole. I know, eye-roll, but he’s cute.
So we’ve waited . . . for an hour.
And instead of Aaron being on his phone, looking at his Twitter feed or checking work emails, his entire focus is on me. He’s asked questions about the years we spent apart, quizzed me on my Friends knowledge, as if he knew more than me about our favorite sitcom, and we’ve played the alphabet game that he won easily. This is not what I expected to be feeling two days after breaking up with my boyfriend.
“I can’t tell you what I want or it won’t come true,” he scoffs, as if I just asked him the most preposterous question.
“That’s only for birthday wishes, not asking Santa.”
He pauses. “Oh, huh, I guess you’re right.” Chuckling, he pulls me into his chest, my back pressing against his rock-hard pecs. He leans over and says, “What are you going to ask for? Another vibrator?”
“What? No!” I chuckle and then slyly say, “Maybe some new batteries though.”
“I can get you batteries, babe. We can stop on the way home. No problem.”
Home.
“So you would be okay knowing I’m masturbating courtesy of the batteries you bought for my vibrator?”
There are lots of kids around so my voice is very quiet. The only reason Aaron can hear me is because he’s leaning over my shoulder, his face right next to mine.
He groans in my ear just as Santa is ready for us. Before we walk over, Aaron whispers in my ear, “Great, I’m going to greet Santa with a fucking boner.”
Laughing, I look back at him, “You started it.”
“Ho, Ho, Ho,” the rotund man bellows. “What brings you to my workshop today, little lady?” He pats his lap, and I sit down. Aaron stands before us, arms crossed, keeping an eye on Santa, as if Santa makes the wrong move, Aaron will throat punch him. I think Santa gets the idea because he keeps his hands off me.
“We’re visiting from Binghamton, riding a chocolate high, and enjoying the cold weather.”
“Sounds like a magical day. Have you been naughty or nice?”
“Maybe a little bit of both.”
“I bet you have,” Santa mutters under his breath. When I eye him, he just smiles. Looks like Santa is the one who’s been naughty. “What can I bring you for Christmas this year?”
“Hmm.” I press my finger to my chin. “I think an Easy Bake Oven. I’ve always wanted one as a little girl but my mom didn’t think a light bulb could cook a cake. But I believe, Santa, I believe it can.”
He pats my back. “They can.”
We take a quick picture, and then it’s Aaron’s turn. I didn’t expect him to sit on Santa’s lap but when he takes a seat, a laugh bubbles out of me. He’s so big, he looks absolutely ridiculous, and I love every minute of it.
“Ho, Ho, Ho my God,” Santa complains as his body dips with Aaron’s weight. “Been pumping the iron there, little boy?”
“Every day, Santa baby.” Aaron leans over and pulls Santa in for a hug. “Every damn day.”
Santa straightens his hat as Aaron gets comfortable on Santa’s lap again. Poor fella, Aaron can’t be light.
“For the record, Santa. I’ve been very nice this year. Which means I get what I ask for, right?”
“That’s correct.” Santa seems like he’s in pain, so I give Aaron the universal sign to wrap this up.
Winking at me, his eyes fixed on mine, he leans in and says, “Then what I want for Christmas is another shot at dating that beautifully perfect woman right there.”
Butterflies shoot up in my stomach as Aaron’s eyes connect with mine. I see promises of forever in them.
Santa gives a knowing smile and claps Aaron on the shoulder. “From the look of it, I think I can make that happen.” He hands Aaron a candy cane and they quickly take a picture together. Aaron shakes his hand and then takes mine, leading me out into the cold air.
“That was a high-risk ask,” I say while we walk toward one of the only roller coasters open at the park during seasonal hours.
“I’m confident Santa can pull through.” He plops his candy cane in his mouth, and once again I’m struck mute by his relaxed confidence with me.
What I want for Christmas is another shot at dating that beautifully perfect woman right there.
Less than forty-eight hours ago I was driving home feeling loss and sadness. I was letdown, confused, angry, but most of all, numb. However, none of that paralyzed me. In fact, Aaron has literally filled my aching heart with kindness, love, and laughter. Given the peace and joy I feel around him, maybe Aaron has good reason to be confident. I’m not pushing him away. I love every moment he touches and kisses me because it reminds me of how incredible we were together. Of how much Aaron really does know me. He knows my heart.
***
Aaron turns off the highway, it’s pitch-black besides the street lamps, and I’m crashing hard from all the sugar I consumed today. I haven’t smiled as much as I have today in a very long time. I had genuine fun, the kind of fun I used to experience as a kid, but without restrictions. I didn’t have to ask my parents to do anything. I could do whatever the hell I wanted and still act like a kid.
And there is only one person to thank for that.
It’s been a surreal day, because it almost feels like the three years apart never happened, that there was never a break in time where we grew apart. We so easily stepped back into our roles of teasing, testing, and egging each other on. Loving. It felt really good.
“Thank you for today,” I say, leaning against the headrest, my eyes drifting shut.
“I’m glad you came along, not that you really had a choice. You were coming robe or not, it was nice that you came willingly.”