Her eyes meet mine, and there is a softness to them now, a deep understanding. “That night, you said something that stuck with me. You said I deserved someone with a loving family.” I squeeze my eyes tight. Fuck, why did I have to get blackout drunk? “You also said no one wanted you besides the woman who didn’t deserve you.” She tilts her head to the side. “You were talking about your mom, weren’t you?”
Embarrassed, I nod. “Yes.” I place my tea on the coffee table and turn to her. “I had a shitty childhood, Amelia. My mom acted like she loved me, like I was the only thing in her life she cared about, but she really didn’t.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because, if she truly cared about me, she would have given me the same opportunity to thrive like my brothers. There were nights I went to bed without food, because she forgot to go grocery shopping. I’d wanted to play on the football team, but I couldn’t because my mom wasn’t reliable enough to get me to practice. There were mornings I wished I didn’t wake up to my mom hungover from God knows what on the couch, using my fucking homework as her cushion. And when I was the most bitter, the most angry about her not acting like a mom, she would boast about what a great person she was for selflessly giving my brothers a better life. All I could think about was what about me?” Why had I not deserved the better life? Why did she keep me if giving away my brothers gave her the most joy? Why? Me?
“Oh Aaron, I had no idea.”
“I know. I tried to hide that part of my life. It’s why you never spent too much time with my mom. Why we spent holidays at your house, because I couldn’t bear to have you exposed to that side of me.” It was a truth I’d wanted thrown away forever.
“You could have told me. I wouldn’t have looked at you any differently.”
“And I should have known that, but I was too damn ashamed.”
“There is no reason for you to be ashamed about something you have no control over. You should be proud.” She scoots closer and puts her hand on my leg. “You have come so far from when I first met you. Look around, Aaron. You own a beautiful house, you have your own construction company, and you have loyal friends. You’ve done so well.”
My eyes lift to hers. “But the one thing I really want doesn’t belong to me anymore because like a dumbass, I let her go.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue, the biggest confession.
You’re dating my biological brother.
You’re dating the one person I’ve envied the most. Who’s always had everything I’ve ever wanted, and now most importantly, that includes you.
But I can’t. I can’t fucking say it. I can’t risk telling her. What if she sees the difference between us? The same difference my mom sees? What if she realizes she lucked out and picked the right brother? I can’t stomach that. I can’t fathom knowing that, if Amelia had a choice, she would still choose Trey over me.
It would fucking destroy me.
So I keep my mouth shut. She doesn’t need to know because it won’t matter, not when I win her back.
She searches me, her chest rising and falling faster. I’m tempted to say fuck it, to take what I think is mine, to scoop her up into my arms and show her how much I’ve missed her, how much we truly belong together. How much I need and want her. But I know if I do that, she’ll resent me, because Amelia is loyal. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. I won’t.
That doesn’t mean I won’t let her know how I truly feel. I think that’s okay. I can’t act on it, though. Perhaps she’ll think it a cowardice move, telling her how I feel and then leaving the ball in her court. But I lied to her three years ago about my feelings, and I don’t want to lie about them again.
“Why?” she asks, her words a small whisper. Her hand still rests on my leg, her body leaning toward mine, the light flicker of the fire bouncing off her smooth skin. Shit, I want her so damn bad.
Losing my train of thought, I ask, “Why what?”
“Why did you let me go? Why did you turn your back on me?”
Not expecting to dive into what we used to have, I shift on the couch, trying to get somewhat comfortable, which causes Amelia to pull her hand back, but it doesn’t make her sit any farther away.
“Did you really stop loving me?” Her voice breaks and her face falls flat, sadness consuming her.
I lift her chin and shake my head. “Never, Amelia. I’ve never stopped loving you.”
“Then why?”
“Because.” I swallow hard. “Because you needed to leave. You needed to take the scholarship at Columbia. I could see it in your eyes; you were ready to give it all up to stay with me.”
“I was. I wanted to be with you, Aaron.”
“And that’s exactly why I broke us up, because you were going to give up so much for something so small. I couldn’t let you waste your dreams on me.”
“You could have moved with me.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I couldn’t.” How do I explain this, after everything we just spoke of? It’s going to sound so fucked up in the head . . . maybe because it is. “I couldn’t leave my mom. Despite everything I can’t stand about her and the amount of animosity I hold against her, she’s still my mom. She would have destroyed herself if I left, if she lost me as well.”
“I would have waited for you. We could’ve worked it out. But you . . . you didn’t give me a chance.”
“Because you deserved better, Amelia,” I say sternly. She sits back on the couch, a little stunned from my tone. “You deserved so much fucking better. You were going places. You had aspirations. I was a trash sorter at the sanitation plant with an out-of-reach dream for a different future. At the time, I would never have imagined I would be where I am today, and I didn’t want to hold you back.”
Amelia purses her lips as her eyes narrow. “That’s the stupidest reason I’ve ever heard.” Setting her tea on the coffee table next to mine, she paces my living room. “You really broke up with me because you didn’t think you were good enough, and you didn’t want to hold me back?”
Umm, this wasn’t how I envisioned this conversation going. I knew she would be mad, but angry, pissed off, looking to wring my neck with her own damn hands, yeah, that reaction never crossed my mind. Not even once.
“You had so much going for you. I wanted you to go for it.”
“Bullshit,” she spits out. She pushes her hair back and stares at me. “You took the coward’s way out.”
Okay, now she’s starting to piss me off. If she only fucking knew . . .
“Coward?” I stand as well. “How the fuck is that the coward’s way out? I gave up the only thing I loved. I was fucking miserable.”
Coming closer, she pokes me in the chest, her fiery spirit kicking in. “We could have worked it out, but you chose to give up instead.”
“For you,” I add.
“No, Aaron, what you did had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. College wasn’t forever, but we were. We were supposed to end up together, but you gave that up because you couldn’t put in the time.”