Watching Astrid walk back toward the cabin, I am filled with sadness. When Luc had first handed me the envelope, I had considered not giving it to Astrid. More bad news would surely break her. I could not hide the truth from her, though. And now she is leaving. I can’t blame her. I could see from the conflict in her eyes that the decision to leave us behind hadn’t come easily. She has known me and Theo only a few months—we shouldn’t matter at all, not when she has family—real family—that needs her. Part of me wants to run after her, though, and beg her not to leave me.
Luc pokes his head around the side of the shed where he has been hiding. “Wait here,” I’d instructed him before racing to hand the letter to Astrid. I did not want her to see him, but I also wasn’t ready to have him disappear and leave me so soon after we had just found each other again. Taking him in now, I feel suddenly guilty. I had lied to Astrid about how the letter had gotten here. But I could not bear to admit to her, on top of everything else, that I had broken my promise not to see Luc. “Is everything all right?” he asks.
“No,” I say. “That is, yes and no. Astrid learned that her parents are dead.”
“That’s awful,” he replies, his voice heavy with understanding. “I thought I was helping by bringing the letter.”
“You were helping,” I insist. “But how did you get it?”
“A few days ago I was in the post office when I heard a woman remark about the circus leaving suddenly. She said awful things, that the circus had taken money for shows and fled. I spoke up to tell her she was wrong. When the postmaster overheard, he said there was mail for the circus. He said he had a forwarding address, but when I saw it was a letter for Astrid, I knew I had to bring it myself. I thought maybe it was news of Peter.” His voice trails off and I can see how guilty he still feels. “Now I wish I hadn’t,” he finishes sadly.
“No, she had to know the truth,” I reply. “I’m glad you came. It wasn’t all bad. Astrid’s brother sent a pass from America. He wants her to come live with him.” My voice breaks slightly as I say this last part.
“That’s good news, isn’t it?” Luc asks, sounding confused.
A lump forms in my throat, making it hard to answer. “I suppose,” I manage, embarrassed by my selfishness. I want so very much to be happy for Astrid that she will be safe and free. “I just can’t imagine the circus without her,” I add.
There is a commotion behind us, voices as two of the acrobats walk toward the big top. Luc pulls me behind the shed so as not to be seen. “Now you can reconsider,” he says. I tilt my head, puzzled. “You said before you wouldn’t go with me because you couldn’t leave Astrid.” My mind is still reeling from everything that has happened with Astrid and I had nearly forgotten our earlier conversation. “But everything is different now.” Luc’s voice rises with urgency. “If she is going, surely you can, too?”
In the rush of the moment I had not thought about it. Luc is right, though: with Astrid gone, there will be nothing to keep me here. I can take Theo and go. Gazing up at the big top and the backyard behind it, though, I feel a tug of doubt. The circus is the only safety I have known since my parents kicked me out. I can’t imagine being here without Astrid, but I can’t imagine leaving. The circus won’t be here much longer either, I remind myself. Emmet said he was closing it down at the end of the season. Then that too will be gone.
“Noa...” Luc’s voice is heavy with concern. “Once the police realize Astrid has left, there will be questions.” There will be more than questions—Emmet will be furious at losing one of his star performers. “It won’t be safe for you here anymore. You’ll go with me now, won’t you?”
I gaze at him longingly, torn between the life I know with the circus and the possibility of a future with Luc. “Trust me,” he pleads, his eyes round and full.
I already do, a voice deep within me says. Something clicks in my mind, snaps into place. “I’ll do it. With Theo,” I add quickly.
“Of course,” Luc replies, as though that was never in doubt. Then conflict washes over his face. “But how? If we go to the partisans, there will be no place for a child.”
“I could never go without him,” I insist.
“We’ll find a way,” Luc replies, taking my hand. “All of us will stay together.” His voice is certain; Theo is his as much as mine now. I throw my arms around his neck gratefully. “So you’ll go?” His lips are on my cheek, then my neck, a thousand small kisses of persuasion.
“Yes, yes,” I cry, but a second later, I force myself to pull away. We are together in broad daylight, scarcely concealed by the budding trees. The reality sinks in: I will be leaving the circus with Luc. But before we can start a life together, I have to tell him everything. I can’t go forward under the pretense of a lie. “Luc...”
“I have to go now,” he says, not hearing me. “I have the name of a resistance contact about ten kilometers from here who can tell me the best way for us to reach the Maquis.” He looks over his shoulder. “I will be back for you before nightfall.”
“Where can I find you?” I ask.
“There’s a ravine on the other side of the stone quarry,” he replies, pointing. “About a kilometer east. I’ll meet you there at nine o’clock.”
“But the show will only be half over.”
“I know, but we have to leave then to make it safely to the Vosges forest before dawn. Can you manage it?” I nod and he kisses me and starts to go.
“Luc, wait.” He turns back. I am desperate to tell him the truth. But his face looks so hopeful, I cannot. “I will see you at nine.”
He starts off, his step light. I want to call after him again, not ready to have him go. But soon he will be back and next time I will go with him.
As I turn back toward the big top, sadness tugs at me. It is all changing. I have only just found this place, the closest I have felt to home, and I am going—again. I can’t help but wonder where it will all end and where I will be when I can finally stop running at last.
*
The sky is growing dusky pink as I near the dressing car to prepare for my final performance. I watch the other girls, putting on costumes and makeup as though it is any other show. I am relieved—they do not suspect anything. The difference is there, though, in the way Astrid puts on my rosin and wraps my wrists, the same as every night but with so much more care. Feeling her warm, sure touch on my forearms, I am filled with sadness once more. We will both be going in our separate directions. There was no reason to expect that we would stay together—it’s not as if we are really family. The end has come so much sooner than I expected, though. I want to confide in her about Luc and my plan to go with him. But she will never understand. I can’t just leave and not tell her, though. Perhaps a note...