Peter crosses the field to confer with Herr Neuhoff. I start toward them, still holding Theo. They stop talking as I near, as though they do not want me to hear. My annoyance flares. I am not some child to be sheltered. For everything I have achieved, though, I am still a woman, my status less. “What happened with the Pole?” I demand.
“I had to let him go. I had no choice. I’ll find him and smooth things over, give him a good letter and a bit of severance.” Herr Neuhoff’s voice is uneasy.
“Letting go of an angry worker could be dangerous,” Peter says. He is worried, I can tell, about protecting my identity. What if Milos tells someone, or goes to the police? As Peter watches me, I catch a flash of something deeper in his eyes. Concern, and perhaps something more. I recall what Noa had said about Peter’s feelings for me. Maybe she is right. I brush the notion aside once more.
“There are all sorts of dangers,” Herr Neuhoff retorts, a veiled reference to Peter’s political act.
Peter does not answer but stomps away. I wonder if Herr Neuhoff will go after him. Instead, he gestures in the direction of the train, beckoning me to follow. “I need to speak with you.” He stops at the door, uncomfortable in the women’s carriage, even though it is empty.
Herr Neuhoff coughs, his face reddening. He pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and raises it to his mouth. When he pulls it away again, it is tinged with pink. “Are you ill?” I ask.
“My heart condition,” he rasps.
I am alarmed. For all of the years I have known him, I had no idea. “Is it serious?”
“No, no,” he replies, waving his hand. “But I catch every cold that comes by. The damp weather doesn’t help either. As I was saying, the worker, Milos...if I offer him a severance, then word may get out and others could ask for money. But if he goes to the police...what do you think?”
I falter. There are things I can tell him that I learned from Papa. I am still a guest here, though. This is not my circus, but another time and place. I proceed cautiously. “It is a difficult decision. Everything is so different now.”
“I wanted to talk to you about something else,” he says, switching topics abruptly, and I realize that Milos isn’t the real reason he has asked me to speak. “Astrid,” he begins, using that gentle tone, the one that means he is bringing me bad news. I brace for some confirmation of what had happened to my family, the awful truth that deep down I already know. “You understand that the circus is in a very delicate position right now.”
“I know,” I reply. “I’m not sure what I can do to help.”
“For one thing, you need to speak to Peter about the act.”
This again. My worry is replaced with annoyance. “We already discussed it. I told you—we can’t stop him from being who he is.”
“Surely if you explained to him the jeopardy it is causing,” he presses, “if he had to choose between your well-being and the show...”
“He would choose me,” I say firmly, forcing more confidence into my voice than I actually feel. After what had happened with Erich, I could never be certain of that again with anyone. “But I don’t want him to have to choose.”
“You must,” he insists. “After the show the other night, the German seeing you...”
He knows. My stomach leadens. “How did you know about that? Did Noa tell you?” Of course she had. I had confided in no one else.
“Astrid, that doesn’t matter.” A flash of admission crosses his face, confirming my suspicion. “What’s important is that the circus has drawn more scrutiny than it can afford. I had a visit from an inspector earlier today.” A rock forms in my stomach. An inspection—on a Sunday. Were they looking for me? “They are threatening to send us back,” he adds.
“To Germany?” My whole body tenses.
“Possibly. Or perhaps somewhere in Alsace-Lorraine.” The border region, which had gone back and forth between Germany and France for centuries, had been swiftly annexed by the Reich at the start of the war. Going to Alsace and returning to Germany were one and the same.
“Would they really do that, so soon after we’ve set out?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
Herr Neuhoff coughs again and rubs at his temple. “They almost didn’t let us go on tour this year at all.”
“Really? I had no idea.” There is so much he keeps to himself.
“I know that going back is not ideal for your situation,” he adds. For a second, I wonder if he is threatening me. But his voice is neutral, simply stating the facts. “You see now why I need Peter to stop.”
He continues, “I’ve asked them for an extension, explained that the tour dates are set and that canceling would be damaging to the business. But as you know, the Reich doesn’t care about business.”
“No,” I agree. They would not hesitate to punish us for stepping out of line.
I have been recognized and Herr Neuhoff knows it. The audacity of it all dawns on me: How could I have thought I might remain hidden in something as big and public as the circus? “I should go,” I say slowly. Herr Neuhoff’s eyes widen. “Leave the circus. I’ve brought too much danger to the show already.” I have no idea where I would go. But I had left once; I could do it again.
“No, that isn’t what I had in mind at all,” he protests hurriedly.
“But if my presence is bringing danger, then I should leave,” I persist.
“Don’t be silly. The circus cannot function without you. He cannot function without you.” Herr Neuhoff gestures with his head toward the field to the spot where Peter has returned to practicing. I wonder if what Herr Neuhoff says is true. Then I look down at Theo. He needs me, as does Noa. “You will stay. This is your home.” He coughs once, then again. “If we can just ride out the season here in France.”
“I understand. I will talk to Peter,” I promise.
“That’s a start,” he says; his face remains troubled. “But I’m afraid it isn’t all.”
“I don’t understand. What more can I do?”
“You see, the status quo is our friend and we must do whatever we can to preserve it. The circus must be kept going at all costs. So that’s why I’m doing it,” he says. I tilt my head, puzzled. “Since that German soldier saw you...” He takes a deep breath. “I have no choice but to remove you from the show.”
12
Noa
I hurry toward the fairgrounds, not looking back toward Luc, even when I reach the cover of the trees. Halfway through the woods, I realize that I have been running. I slow to catch my breath. Meeting Luc was strange, and the way he watched me left me with a feeling of lingering discomfort. But it was exciting, too, a spark where I had not expected to feel one again. I imagine telling Astrid, confiding in her like the sister I never had.
Twenty minutes later, I reach the fairgrounds. As I near the train, I see Astrid standing by the entrance to the sleeper car, glowering. For a minute, I think she is angry that I was gone so long. Or perhaps she saw me speaking with Luc. Her eyes burn with rage as I climb onto the train. Then Herr Neuhoff’s bulky silhouette appears in the doorway behind her and I realize that it is something much more serious than that.