He was silent. He had never considered proposing to her. He had just been taking the opportunity to help her with her bills. It would give him another way of making himself essential to her, and at the same time give him a new way of decreasing his vulnerability even further. He could funnel some of his payments through her accounts to transform his financial transactions into hers.
“I know you didn’t ask me,” she said. “But I’ve been thinking for a while that we should have this talk. Under normal circumstances—meaning any other time of my life—I would be doing everything I could to make you want to ask.” She reached out and clasped his hand. “But it’s the wrong time for me now.”
“Why?”
“For a dozen reasons. For one thing, my ex-husband is paying me alimony. If I get remarried, that stops. It’s not a huge amount, and he fought me for every penny of it. It’s enough to live on now, and later, my pensions will kick in. In spite of what he says, I earned that money. I raised the kids practically by myself. I cooked and cleaned, did everybody’s laundry, drove them, taught them, suffered when they suffered. I was faithful to him for nineteen years. I never flirted or let anyone think cheating might be a possibility. I also worked, giving piano lessons and putting all the money into the family account, so it was spent with everything else. Letting Darryl off the hook would be giving up something I earned over nineteen years. It would also be conceding to him that everything I did or gave up during that time was worthless.”
“Okay.”
“And then there are the kids. Sarah likes you and Brian will too, but they’d hate it if I remarried. My name wouldn’t be the same as theirs. They’d have to go through all that stuff of having to explain it to people, and to print two names on wedding invitations and things. I’m sure you can fill in the rest.”
She got up and hugged him. “Being with you has brought me back to life. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt okay. But I don’t see a reason to get married. I can’t get pregnant anymore. And I can’t give you anything if I’m married to you that I won’t give you now. Right now, or anytime you want.”
“I have to admit this is a lot to think about.”
She laughed. “Come on, Peter. It’s a risk-free situation for you. What man doesn’t want the sex without the commitment?”
“I’ve never had much trouble with commitment,” he said. “But I want you to have what you want. And I have to assume you know what that is.”
She hugged him harder. “Peter, what I want is you. I love you. Just stay here. I don’t want you to say anything.”
Then she was crying, and holding him so tightly that he could feel her heartbeat against his chest. It was a rotten thing to do to a person.
11
It was clear to Caldwell that he had accomplished what he had been trying to with Zoe McDonald. She trusted him, she was in love with him, and she would do anything he asked. During this period he had verified what his espionage training had taught him. Having a woman with him made people see him differently. People tended to assume that a man who was part of a couple was certified as not dangerous, not crazy, and not criminal. He probably had a paycheck and a place to live. The woman’s physical presence was taken as testimony that he was a regular guy. Being with a woman who was attractive and tasteful made him even safer, because she obviously could make other choices.
But it was always possible that Caldwell’s time in Chicago might come to an end at any moment. He had to be prepared to leave quickly. It had occurred to him that if Chicago were to turn dangerous, he might want to take Zoe with him. If she could provide him with the appearance of legitimacy now, she could also provide it if he was on the run. And he didn’t want to leave her in the apartment for his pursuers to find and interrogate.
She didn’t deserve what he was doing to her. She was a good person. As he had gotten to know and like her better, he had begun to dislike himself. He had been behaving like a drowning person who clung to the nearest swimmer and held himself up by pulling her down. If he was going to escape, he had to provide a means of escape for her too.
One morning when Zoe went out to do some errands, Caldwell climbed up in his closet and took down one of the false identity packets he had put together for Anna. He had given her the identity of an imaginary woman named Marcia Dixon, who was the wife of Henry Dixon, one of his aliases. He had built the identity with Anna’s help in case they ever had the need and the opportunity to escape. Anna had taken the tests for the California driver’s license, and had her picture taken for the front of it. She had gone back a couple of times to the Los Angeles DMV to have her picture retaken to keep her photo up to date and pay the renewal fee.