He closed his eyes and leaned his head back, clearing his thoughts. He was a smart man, a logical man. He just had to stop for a moment and think it through. If she was confused, at least that meant she hadn't fully made any sort of decision yet. It may not have been a game anymore, but she was still struggling with whether or not she wanted to be with either of them. Sex clearly wasn't helping that problem, either.
Shit, is she having sex with Eden? Please god, no.
Okay, so she was struggling with her feelings. She was on the fence. Pushing her too far might send her into Liam's arms, but not pushing enough could keep him trapped in this loop. Trapped in her confusion and her warped emotional state. Granted, he'd helped to put her in that state, but that didn't mean he enjoyed being stuck in it with her. Neither of those things worked for him, so what was the alternative?
Let her go. End both their misery. He just seemed to cause her pain. He'd always known he wasn't built for long term relationships. Too emotionally stunted, too bitter, too aggressive. He'd compared Katya to a garden once, and it felt like all he'd done was cause her to whither and slowly fade away. Maybe she'd be better off without him. Maybe the truly good thing to do would be to just … let her go.
But it's not that simple. It's beyond that now. What is good or right isn't an option anymore. It's moved into the realm of need. I need her, so much. She belongs with me, we belong together. So however long it takes, that's how long it takes. I can play the part of a stone and wait her out. It's what I was born to do, after all.
He groaned and rubbed his hands over his face. Why did it all have to be so complicated? This was his punishment, for being an awful human being. She'd been right, that's exactly what he was – goddamn awful. And maybe his punishment was to chase her around for the rest of his life.
Well then, okay. That's what he would do. He would chase and he would push and he would press his attentions. He would jump through hoops and throw her off her guard and sweep her off her feet. And he knew – had to believe – that in the end, she would find her way back to him. She had to, she'd made promises, after all. He would hold her to them.
You said you would fight for me. You said you would believe in me. You said you would bring me back from hell. Time to get to work, Tocci.
23
Liam stood outside Katya's apartment, taking deep breaths. He knew he had to talk to her, but he wasn't quite prepared yet to start the conversation.
Last night had been beyond fucked up. So many shitty things happening all on the same evening. One catastrophe after another. He'd managed to drag his brother to his office, and once there, he'd tossed him into his private bathroom. He had a small shower stall, and he'd shoved Landon under the spray.
It wasn't a true overdose, but it had been close. Landon had drug problems – had for a long time. Liam was the only one in the family who knew, that's why everyone's hero worship of his brother stung so much. Everyone looked up to a sham. No one even knew that he'd almost lost his license to practice medicine, and that's why he'd decided to join the traveling doctor group. Being in a third world country made it slightly easier to get away with examining patients while high.
None of that was Katya's business, though. Liam felt bad about the way he'd spoken to her, but it had been a critical moment and she hadn't been getting it. They were very close, sure, but not as close as Liam and his twin, regardless of their issues. It had been a private moment between siblings; she would have to understand that.
Please be understanding, I'm so tired of apologizing.
He took one final deep breath and knocked on her door. There was no response. He frowned and knocked again. She was supposed to be home – Tori had told him that she'd taken Sunday off from work, just in case she'd had too good a time at his party.
Which he knew she hadn't, because after he'd assured himself that Landon wasn't going to die, he'd gone looking for her. That guy, the one who lived in Liam's building – Fence? Gate? What kind of fucking name was that? – had told him that she'd left in a hurry. Liam would've gone after her, but it was his business' anniversary party, and it was in full swing. He had to be there, for whenever the next inevitable fuck up happened.
So he'd waited till the next day, then after getting up and shaving and giving his brother an earful, he'd jogged over to her building.
Maybe she went to the store …
He took out his phone and texted her, hoping for a quick response. She was hit or miss – sometimes she texted back right away, other times he had to wait a day or two. Luckily, his phone pinged just a few seconds later.
If you're home, angel cake, open the door. It's me out here.
Can't. Too tired. Later, okay?
Uh, no, not okay. Pleeeeease? I'll be nice, I swear.
I'm not mad. I'm just tired. Tomorrow.
I will knock on your door for an hour straight if you don't open it right now.
She didn't respond, and for a moment he thought she was calling his bluff. He raised his arm, fully prepared to knock away, but then he heard the bolt lock turning. The chain lock was next, and finally the door was creaking open.
“Please, Liam. I'm not in the mood today. Tomorrow,” she begged. He frowned as he looked over her face.
“Geez, are you okay?” he asked, pressing his hand against the door.
She looked … almost sick. She was wearing her pajamas, yet it was almost noon. Not normal for her. She had dark circles under her eyes, which were also bloodshot and looked a little puffy. She was paler than normal, and kinda looked like she wanted to throw up.
“Yeah,” she sighed, opening the door farther and leaning against the frame. “Just a late night. Great party, by the way.”
“It was okay,” he chuckled. “Could've done without some of the surprises.”
“Is he okay?”
“Yeah. I mean, no, not really – he's a fucking drug addict. But he's back at the apartment now, hogging the tv,” he told her.
“I'm sorry that happened. It looked bad,” she said.
“I've seen him worse.”
“Then I'm even more sorry.”
“Look,” he smiled as he spoke and leaned over her. “How about I go get you breakfast? I can bring it back and we can go cuddle on the roof. It's supposed to be warmer today, not so windy. I'll even lend you my hoodie.”
She finally smiled back at him, and even seemed to brighten up a little. But then she sighed and shook her head.
“You are too good to me, Liam Edenhoff.”
“Ah, there it is again, my last name. Poetry when you speak it right,” he teased.
“I would love to, but seriously, I'm exhausted. I already switched my brunch date with Vieve Stone to lunch tomorrow. Rain check?” she asked.
“Always, angel cake. I have to meet Wulf's assistant chick to go over some accounting issues tomorrow, but I'll be free later in the afternoon,” he told her. She seemed to perk up.
“Okay, I can meet you after lunch. Say four o'clock?”
“Four sounds good.”
“Meet me here,” she said. “I have some things to tell you. I'll make margaritas and we can still go hang out on the roof.”