“Please, they love me there. There are members who won't come unless I'm working, did you know that? Liam can't ever get rid of me. Besides, I think having me there, even being a bitch to him all the time, kinda makes him feel close to you,” Tori said. Her voice was simple, as if she were prattling off the weather, but the sentiment was terribly sweet. Katya frowned and spooned beef stroganoff over the egg noodles that were waiting.
“I should tell you something,” she sighed, turning around and setting the food on the table.
She explained everything. Running into Liam at speed dating. Bumping in Wulf downstairs. Using Gaten as jealousy-bait. Tori listened to it all without saying a word – which was somewhat of a miracle. She just kept nodding and shoving more food in her mouth. How she kept such a perfect figure, Katya would never know. She never worked out, never gained a pound, and had curves in all the right places. Grossly unfair.
“Wow,” Tori said when Katya had finished speaking. “You've had a hell of a day.”
“You're telling me,” Katya groaned, poking at her remaining noodles.
“So now you get to pick.”
“Pick what?”
“Whether you want my honest opinion, or would like me to say what you want to hear.”
“Oh god.”
Tori smiled big – “I knew you'd pick honesty.”
“I'm afraid to listen.”
“Look,” her roommate sighed. “I'm not … I know my own track history with guys is not good. Or awful. Whatever. But that's me, that's what I do. You, though, I don't know … it's like all the good advice you always give me? The way you parent me and are so awesome? Well, when it comes to this dating stuff, it's my turn to be that way for you.”
“Oooookay …” Katya let her voice trail off, still a little scared of what was going to be said.
“And while I'd like to say set all their shit on fire and key their cars, I think what you need to do is figure out what it is you really want. Just you. Not what Eden wants, and not what Wulf-man wants. Deep down, what you really, really want. If you want to forgive them and move on, then go for it – I've got your back. If you do want to set their shit on fire and key their cars, I've got a lighter in my back pocket. If you want to play your own game and push their buttons, then have fun, sister. Just make sure it's what YOU want to do,” Tori urged, tucking her loose hair behind her ears.
While Katya absorbed all that, let it roll around her brain for a bit, her best friend reached across the table with a fork and began eating the rest of the stroganoff.
“Just do whatever I feel like,” Katya mumbled.
“Yeah. I mean, look how far it's taken you. This time three months ago, you'd be sketching right now. Or crocheting something. Or watching one of those cooking videos. Honestly, it was kind of sad. Now you're all 'I'm a vixen', and 'look at me be a badass', and … I don't know. Feels like you're finally …,” Tori struggled to find the right words. Katya smiled.
“Growing into myself?”
“Yeah! Like you're finally becoming comfortable in your skin. Saying the shit that you usually keep bottled up inside. It's good for you! Sometimes screaming and throwing cake at a dude is good for you. And sometimes sleeping around and being selfish is good for you, too. But you know, like, in moderation,” Tori amended her speech. Katya laughed.
“Gotcha. Alright – do whatever makes me feel good, as long as it's in moderation.”
“Well, duh. What if you decide coke makes you feel good!? Moderation is key.”
Katya laughed for so long, Tori had finished the last of the food by the time she stopped.
*
Friday afternoon. Katya had stayed late at the bakery, finally finishing everything for Lauren's cake. In the morning, she'd go down and put it all in place, then deliver the massive dessert to the event hall. She'd miss the actual wedding service while she went home and changed, but she'd be done in time for the reception.
On her bus ride, Katya thought a lot about what Tori had said. Thought a lot about how she felt, about the things she wanted for herself.
It was hard to be honest with herself – a common problem for most people, she knew. She kept a lot of things buried, too ashamed or embarrassed to admit them to herself. Right that moment, though, she decided to lay them all out in her mind, not caring if they were “right” or “wrong”. All that mattered was how each thought made her feel.
Okay, so let's think about Liam.
Thinking about him caused a pain in her heart. It was strange, how much she secretly longed for him. How badly she wanted to call him and tell him some funny story from work, or to have drinks with him on her roof. In a short time, he'd become a very large, very important presence in her life. Almost invaluable. If she was being totally honest, she didn't want to picture her life without him.
He'd done something awful. Terrible. Unforgivable, really. But she wanted to forgive him. She wanted him to apologize – which he had, and she wanted him to mean it – which she was pretty sure he did. She wanted to cry, and she wanted him to hug her, and she wanted them to get to a place where they could be okay together. Maybe not that day, and maybe not the next. Maybe not for a while. The wounds were still too fresh. But maybe someday.
Yeah. That's what I really want.
She let out a rush of air so fast, the person sitting next to her glanced at her. Katya couldn't explain it, but again, it felt like a weight had been lifted. She'd been so ashamed to even admit to herself that she wanted to forgive Liam. Embarrassed, like she was letting down all of womanhood. But Tori had been right, she needed to do what she felt was right for her.
She felt so good about her decision, so proud of her self-analyzing abilities, that she barreled into the next thought without pause.
Let's do this with Wulf, now!
Her relief ran straight into a brick wall and she almost groaned.
If Liam was a pain in her heart, Wulf was a full body ache. She'd been closer to him in different ways, and his betrayal had cut a lot deeper. She'd shared her life with Liam; she'd shared her heart with Wulf. She could always get her life back.
A heart, though, wasn't as easy to recapture.
She was frustrated that she couldn't untangle her feelings for Wulf as easily. Forgiveness wasn't as simple, nor was being able to tell if she even wanted to forgive him. Keeping him at bay would be even more necessary than with Liam, but also harder. Wulf didn't like being told no, and he would never settle for being just friends.
She chewed on her bottom lip and stared out the window, watching cars slide by the bus. She didn't think she wanted to be Wulf's friend, and she certainly didn't want to date him ever again. She wanted … she wanted him to feel. Something. Anything. Feel a tenth of the pain he'd inflicted on her. Wondered if that was even possible. She wanted …
… I want him to love me the way he made me love him.