I don’t want to do what Father told me to do, but to keep my soul from getting any filthier than it already is, when I come back through the red velvet curtain, I dutifully tell Kitten, “You’re up,” and then I give his instructions to the kids still in line.
Of course, there’s a rumble of grumbling and swearing, even though these greasers wouldn’t dream of sticking around to say the Stations. They’re only here today, same as me, because their mothers are probably paying Jenny Radtke a quarter to snitch on them, too. They’ll hang around long enough until that blond rat with the spelling medal that is rightfully mine leaves, and then they’ll all head up to the Milky Way Drive-In for a lunch of out-of-this-world burgers and to gun their engines and ogle girls and smear ketchup on one another and play mumblety-peg with their switchblades.
After Kitten enters the confessional, without her to stand between us, I can tell by the sneer on his face that Butch Seeback is itching to take a shot at me. I try to run, but in my weakened state, I don’t get very far before the missal he took out of a pew hits a bull’s-eye on the back of my head and almost sends me sprawling in the main aisle.
“Hey, Trigger, why the long face?” Charlie cracks as I squeeze into the pew between him and Birdie. “Did Butch threaten to rearrange your mouth to the back of your head again, or didn’t Kitten have any good information?”
“You could say that.” I rub the part of my head that got hit by Seeback’s missal missile, tell my fiancé that my sister’s bangs look very nice, and then I ask him to hold on for a second because I need to get my wits about me and update my most important list while everything is still fresh in my mind, or before I develop a case of amnesia from the noogie Kitten gave me and the smack on the back of the head that her new boyfriend treated me to.
TO-DO
1. Take tender loving care of Birdie.
2. Solve whatever happened to Sister Margaret Mary for big blackmail or reward bucks.
2. Hope that we don’t find out why Mr. McGinty kidnapped and murdered Sister M & M and concentrate on finding someone else who did.
2. Try to do Kitten’s dare and find Sister Margaret Mary.
3. Make Gert Klement think her arteries are going as hard as her heart.
4. Catch whoever stole over $200 out of the Pagan Baby collection box.
5. Practice your Miss America routine.
6. Learn how to swim.
7. Be a good dry-martini-making fiancée to Charlie.
8. Do not get caught blackmailing or spying.
9. Just think about making a real confession to Father Ted, before it’s too late.
10. Stop at Bloomers for pink roses for Daddy.
11. Think up a catchy advertising slogan for Louise that might help her beat Mrs. Tate in the election so she doesn’t blame Birdie and me when she loses.
Charlie knows how my temper flares if anybody interrupts me when I’m working on a list, so he slouches back against the pew, weaves his fingers together, and plays that “Here’s the church, here’s the steeple, open the door and see all the people” game with Birdie until I have my business squared away and I’m feeling less dizzy.
“So?” he asks. “What’d Kitten have to say about Sister Margaret Mary?”
“You’ll be happy to know that you were right about everything. Sister M and M wasn’t kidnapped and she didn’t have an accident, either.” I repeat to Charlie the exact words Kitten said before I cut her off at the pass: “This morning, Sister Prudence found a note in Sister Margaret Mary’s cell that—”
“Let the nuns know where she was going?” Charlie says.