Of course, it’s a huge relief to know now that Mr. McGinty isn’t guilty of killing, but he isn’t completely in the clear yet of performing any criminal activity. His initials are still on the St. Christopher medal I got in my front pocket, so even if he didn’t murder M. M., I still might’ve seen him kidnapping her outta my window last night. For all we know, what Birdie witnessed at the willow tree was our principal escaping from J. M.’s shack this afternoon, where she was being held prisoner for ransom. That nun might at this very minute be back at the convent already dialing up the cops at the Washington St. station house to report that she got snatched by our friend and that they better arrest him ASAP, but she’ll be shit outta luck in that department. According to the ton of gangster movies I’ve seen, kidnapping is known as a federal case and believe me, G-men are no laughing matter. They got worse senses of humor than my mother.
On the other hand . . . the ex–army sergeant who is always on high alert for intruders can be very fast on his feet, because he dodged all but one of the land mines he came across during the war. He would have no problem catching up with his escaped prisoner. Sister Margaret Mary could at this very minute be strapped with tidy but tighter knots to one of Mr. McGinty’s folding chairs at his card table.
But on the other, other hand . . .
FACT: My brain feels like a beehive buzzing with a million on the other hands and that’s not the way a trained investigator should be feeling if they want to hunker down and solve THE CASE OF THE MISSING NUN WHO MIGHT BE KIDNAPPED AND MURDERED BUT NOT BY MR. MCGINTY.
PROOF: Modern Detection says, “An investigator should always remain clearheaded. During the course of an investigation, you must not falter or doubt yourself. You must stay firm in your convictions.”
Easy for him to say.
I’m ashamed to admit that my mind is murky, and that I am faltering and doubting myself worse than Thomas, and I feel about as firm in my convictions as one of Gert Klement’s triple chins. I’m the president, for godssakes, and I don’t have a clue where I should lead The Mutual Admiration Society next, other than up to church so I can Shirley-confess and talk to my confidential informant, Kitten Jablonski, the way Birdie said we should after she performed ESP on me to learn my new plan. (Maybe her Indian vision is so good that she saw straight into my mind, because believe me, it’d be impossible for her to think up all those smart ideas all at the same time all by herself. After I tuck her in tonight, I’m gonna think of a number from one to ten and see if she can guess it, because her being able to mind read, well, as you can imagine, that would be a real moneymaker.)
Yes, if I’m being truthful with myself, our case has come apart on me. I have too many questions and not enough answers. The only something I’m feeling even a tiny bit good about at this point in the investigation is that there’s a chance that The Mutual Admiration Society might strike blackmailing pay dirt if Sister Margaret Mary is still kidnapped and if we can find out who did it. As long as it’s anybody but Mr. McGinty, we are in for such a windfall and I know exactly how I’m going to spend it, if we don’t have to use it to pay for Greyhound bus tickets so we can run away.
SHOPPING SPREE
Stick some money in Louise’s hiding place in the pantry behind the soup cans so she can pay the bill for the house that still smells like Daddy in its nooks and crannies.
Buy Birdie a lot of food.
Pick out bird-watching binoculars for Charlie at the pawn shop.
Pay for some advertising.
Order the X-ray glasses from the back of the Superman comic book.
Give deaf Jeffy Lanfre money to buy me some hearing aids at St. John’s School for the Deaf.
Talk to Mr. Yerkovich and his best friend, Terry, at Bloomers about giving me a break on a lifetime supply of pink roses for Daddy’s pretend grave.
Almost all of that list is written in blood, sweat, and tears, but I’m still working on my pro and con list for #4. If we’re successful solving our current case, The Mutual Admiration Society has got to find a way to let everyone know what hotshots we are.