“Hey,” he said. “How’re you doing?”
Alice’s mind spun. It was one thing making the effort to show up once. People made the effort once all the time. Volunteering to serve the homeless on Christmas Day, for example—who didn’t love doing that? But how many people showed up to serve the homeless the day after Christmas as well? Not many, Alice guessed. Because once you’d paid your dues you could go back to living your life feeling that you’d done your bit.
Why wasn’t Paul doing that?
Alice stared at him. “What are you doing here, Paul?”
“I just … I couldn’t stop thinking about what you told me,” he said. “About Zoe’s father.”
Alice turned and headed back into the apartment. “Come in,” she called over her shoulder. She fell onto the couch with another violent shiver.
Paul shut the door and joined her in the living room. “I just wish I had known. Did Mom or Dad know?”
Alice pulled the blanket tightly around her. “No, not the details. I just told them what I told you.”
“That he wasn’t father material?”
“Yes.” Alice was stunned. That was exactly what Alice had said. She hadn’t realized Paul had been paying attention.
“Alice. I’m your big brother. I could have … done something. I could have tracked him down and punched his lights out.”
A lump, big and fat and gnarly, grew in Alice’s throat.
“I’ve been a shit brother,” he continued. “But I’m going to step up. I promise.”
It was so little, so late. And no help to her at all. But hearing him say it brought Alice dangerously close to tears. As for stepping up, she believed that, at least in this moment, he meant it.
“Thanks, Paul.” She gave another involuntary, violent shiver. “Is it … is it cold in here?”
“Actually, I was about to take off my sweater.” Paul put a hand to her forehead. “Jesus, you’re roasting!”
She pushed his hand away. “Hot? I’m freezing.”
“You’re on fire, Alice.”
She shivered again, as if to prove him wrong. Then she realized that fever and chills were not an either/or. And according to the forum, a temperature was something you did call your doctor for. “Let me find my thermometer,” she said. “If it’s over a hundred point five, I’ll need to go to the hospital.”
“Forget the thermometer,” he said.
“No, really. The forum said—”
“Fuck the forum,” he said. “We’re going to the hospital.”
Alice felt unexpected tears well in her eyes. “All right,” she said. “Just let me get my coat.”
The truth was, she probably did need to go to the hospital. And there was something about someone else taking control of the situation that was simply too hard to resist.
48
Zoe was going back to school. At least, she was walking in that direction. Who knew what would happen when she got closer. But she was doing as Kate taught her and not thinking about it. It had been a week since the debate. It would be hard to go back … but people did hard things every day. Lord knew, her mom had it tough this last week, after chemo. She’d been pretty sick, but she was managing.
As she got closer to the school, the street swelled with students, hoofing their way toward the school gates. Zoe’s heart began to race. A few people glanced in her direction but she focused on her feet. She didn’t want to see the exchanged glances, or hear the whispers. That’s her. That’s the girl. High school had been bad enough before she became the girl who peed her pants.
Was she actually going to do this? She needed to make a decision, and fast. The gates were approaching. She could keep walking, or she could go in. She took a breath, steeled herself. Then she headed in.
There was a collective gasp as she approached the front steps. She looked up long enough to map a course around the kids who sat there (several who’d been part of the debate) and then, with her head down, took the steps two at a time. She’d just reached the double doors into the building when she heard an explosion of giggles followed by a shriek from someone else and a Shhh! from a third party.
You can do this, Zoe told herself. Just don’t think about it.
In the hallway, conversations hushed as she passed. Zoe scanned the halls for Harry, but when she couldn’t find him, stared straight ahead. She slowed as she approached another group, waiting for someone to let her past. She noticed Seth in the circle, along with a few others including Cameron Freeman in the center. Cameron noticed Zoe and a faint smile appeared.
“Ooh no, I forgot what I was supposed to say…,” he said in a squeaky, girly voice. “Um … oh…”
There was a sound of plastic hitting the ground, then the slosh of water against the linoleum floors. The crowd jumped back. Cameron had dropped his water bottle. “Oops!” he cried. “I couldn’t hold it.”
Cameron laughed hysterically. Seth gave him a shove. “It’s not funny, man,” he said. Zoe stepped over the water and kept walking.
At her locker, she noticed Jessie Lee smiling at her. Jessie Lee had dyed the front of her hair purple now. The rest was black and cut so she looked like a shaggy rock star. She wore a black tank with a giant red tongue on the front and two strands of long, fake pearls.
“Zoe,” she said. “You’re back.”
Zoe nodded.
“I’m glad.”
“Thanks.”
Jessie Lee raked her hair back out of her eyes, but it immediately returned to its original position. “You know, once, in junior high, I stepped in dog shit and then walked it into the classroom. By the time I’d realized, Mr. Schmidt had noticed and was making everyone check their feet. Someone saw it was me and announced it to the whole class. Everyone called me shit-shoes for months.”
Zoe remembered Jessie Lee being called shit-shoes. She hadn’t known why. Jessie Lee had acted as if it hadn’t bothered her.
“No one says it anymore,” Jessie Lee continued. “Eventually people move on. Find someone else to torture. We all have to take our turn. Share around the suffering. It’s pretty funny, really. Shit-shoes.”
“I wonder what they’ll call me,” Zoe said.
“Dunno. Pee-stage doesn’t have quite the same ring.”
Unbelievably, Zoe laughed. Just a little.
“Zoe?”
Zoe turned to see Emily bustling up behind her. And just like that, wham! the panic was back in the center of her chest. “Hey. What’s up?”
Emily’s neck was craned and her gaze was fixed on the puddle on the floor. “Who did that?”
“Oh … you know…”
“It was Cameron,” Jessie Lee said.
“Fucker,” Emily muttered.
Zoe basked in that for a moment. It might have been the loveliest thing Emily had ever said to her.
After a moment, Em looked back at Zoe and sighed. “Zo, I feel terrible. About our stupid fight … about everything. I tried calling you, like, a gazillion times, but you wouldn’t pick up.”