I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me. The words came at her suddenly. They were from The Outsiders. They were studying the novel this year in English and Zoe had never found so much truth between two covers.
Emily had offered to give her a ride but Zoe had made an excuse about needing to finish her math project, and Emily was too caught up in the prospect of a date with Cameron to notice how unlikely that actually was. Only an hour ago Zoe still didn’t know if she was going to do this. Even if it wasn’t for the date thing, movie theaters terrified her, almost as much as the school cafeteria. The airlessness, the artificial light, the people (mostly the people).
Through the glass doors, Zoe could see that the foyer was full. There must have been a kids’ movie about to start, because the place was full of moms with kids ranging from ages three to ten, and the floor was sticky and dotted with popcorn. A kid had dropped his drink and an employee had erected a CAUTION: WET FLOOR sign while he mopped it up. This created a bowl-like opening in the wall of people, and through it, from behind the pole where she stood, Zoe could see Emily, Cameron, and Seth.
Emily was wearing a dark blue T-shirt dress that was tight around her chest and stopped at her upper thigh. It must have been new as Zoe hadn’t seen it before. She’d straightened her hair and she was laughing at something Cameron had said a little too enthusiastically. Seth appeared to be half listening, smiling a little, but he kept glancing around, looking for her.
Zoe wasn’t sure if it was the anticipation or the strong smell of popcorn, but she was feeling woozy. Perhaps it was just the closed-in-ness of the movies? She imagined having a panic attack right here, in front of all these people—the shame of it. Someone might give her a paper bag to breathe into. Someone else might call an ambulance. Afterward she’d overhear people say, “What was wrong with that girl?”
Even as she took her first shallow breath, Zoe could see the ridiculousness of her thoughts. She was panicking over the idea of panicking! She silently recited some affirmations—I am calm, collected, and in control. I am calm, collected, and in control—and then she peeked around the pole again. Emily said something and then Seth and Cameron went and stood in the ticket line. Then she got her phone out and was texting. A heartbeat later, Zoe’s phone beeped.
Where r u? U’d better b coming.
Suddenly Zoe saw an “out.” She could text a response—she was sick! Something had come up! Texting was a godsend for someone like Zoe. With written words, she could say exactly what she wanted without being crippled by fear about what the other person was thinking. It was like braille for a blind person, signing for a deaf person. A way for her to communicate where she was impaired. She lifted her phone and started to reply, but her thumbs were jelly. She wiped her hands on her jeans. They were sweaty, useless. Heat crept up Zoe’s neck, and her heart started its horrible, rapid thrum. She tugged at the neck of her T-shirt.
I am in a safe place, she told her panic. This will pass. She asked herself, What is the worst that can happen if you go? Seth and Cameron might think you’re an idiot, but then again, they probably already do. But what is the worst thing that can happen if you don’t go? Emily won’t be your friend anymore. Zoe closed her eyes for a second. Then, she stepped out from behind the pole and pushed through the glass doors.
The kids’ movie must have started because the foyer had cleared. It helped a little. Emily was concentrating on her phone but, as if feeling Zoe’s presence, she looked up.
“Zo!” Emily exclaimed. “I just texted you!” Her concentration had already melted into relief. “I was worried you were going to be a no-show.”
“Nope.” Zoe smiled weakly. “I’m here.”
“Great, the boys are getting the tickets. Seth is reeeeeeally excited!”
“Cool,” she mouthed, but no sound came out.
“Do you want anything from the concession stand? Popcorn? Gummy bears?”
Zoe tried to speak but her mouth was dry. She shook her head.
“Okay, well—let’s go.” Emily looped her arm around Zoe’s and started to walk. “I don’t want to be stuck in the front row, not with Cameron sitting beside me! We might need a little privacy if you know what I…”
The room began to soften at the edges. What would she say when she greeted Seth? What would she do if, afterward, he wanted to hang out, just the two of them? What if—and even in her stressed-out state she realized the irony of this—he didn’t want to hang out afterward, just the two of them? There would be relief in that, but there would be shame too. Like everything in Zoe’s life, she was damned if she did, and damned if she didn’t.
“What?” Emily said, turning around.
Zoe blinked. Had she spoken aloud again? Jesus, what was wrong with her? “Nothing,” she muttered, and Emily turned around again happily.
How were all these people all breathing normally? Zoe wondered as Emily dragged her along. She couldn’t seem to get a lungful of air. It felt so real, even though Zoe knew it was all in her mind. There was air all around her. Why couldn’t she feel it in her lungs?
Suddenly she planted her feet. “I … can’t do this.”
Emily glanced back over her shoulder. “What?”
“I’m s … sorry, Em. I can’t.”
Emily stopped, not understanding. “You can’t go to the movie?”
Zoe shook her head, taking a deep rasping breath. She pressed her hand to her pounding chest.
Emily stared at her for a moment. And for the briefest flash, Zoe saw something in her eyes. It was as if, after all these months of friendship, something had clicked into place and she got it. Zoe was not just shy. There was something wrong with her.
But just as quickly, the look was gone. “How will I explain this to the boys?” She lifted her hand and let it slap against her side. “Jesus! What is wrong with you?”
Zoe was shaking now. It was as though her lungs were a vacuum bag and someone was sucking out the air. Behind Emily, Cameron and Seth approached holding sodas and popcorn.
“There they are,” Emily said. She thought for a minute, then sighed. “I’ll be with you the whole time, okay? I’ll even sit between you and Seth.…” Her expression was pleading. “You don’t even have to speak to him. But please don’t leave.”
Seth stepped forward. “Hi, Zoe,” he said, holding out a soda. “Em said you liked Pepsi.”
Zoe looked at the drink then back at Seth. Did no one see her? She couldn’t breathe! She felt Seth’s eyes, and Cameron’s, wondering what was up. And she felt Emily, willing her to stop making a scene and let her get on with her date. She wanted, more than anything, to go on the date. But it was far too late for that.
“I’m sorry,” she said, a final time, and then she sprinted out the glass doors, into the night air.