“I’m afraid not.”
“I know it’s risky. But I told her if she dared to tell my father about us, I would tell him she had seen me too.”
So Rain could not harm me after all, thanks to Pheasant. “It is still dangerous, Pheasant,” I said slowly. “And that night in his bedchamber…”
“I did not say anything, did I?”
“What if it happens again?”
“I swear I would not say a word.”
A raindrop fell on my sleeve and vanished on the surface of the fine silk gown the Emperor had given me. Before me, the bamboos swayed near the bridge, and the sky darkened. It would rain soon. Should I tell Pheasant the real reason I could not see him again? “I don’t know…”
“Besides, have I told you I am not like my brothers? I can choose whom I marry. Before my mother died, she made my father promise my wife would be my choice, not his.”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Pheasant chose me? Wouldn’t it be beautiful if we could be together? I wanted nothing other than to stay with him. He was the one I wanted. But he was not for me. Nor was I for him. “You could never marry me, Pheasant.”
“Why not?”
Because I had a destiny, and he was not part of it. And I was so close… “I’m not worthy of you. Can you not see it?”
“What are you talking about?” He took a step toward me.
I closed my eyes. “Do you remember the story of the girl who flew to the moon?”
“The moon girl?” His eyes grew bright. Too bright. “I thought you were different from the others. You never cared. You did not even know who I was.”
“You are wrong.” My heart wrenched, but I forced myself to continue. “I’m no different from the other girls.” The girls who wished to be an empress. Or Chang E, who wanted her immortality. I put down the basket of laundry and, my hands trembling, I took out the jade silkworm from the scent pouch. “You should keep this. Or give it to Rain.”
He held it in his hand, gazing at the silkworm. I thought he would fly into a rage, lash his anger at me, shout at me, or strike me. I would have felt much better if he had. But he closed his hand over the silkworm. His fist remained clenched for a long time, and when he raised his head, a deluge of anguish had flooded his eyes.
I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him I was sorry. I wanted to tell him to forget about what I had said and that I would not leave him. I did neither. Instead, I descended the stone stairs of the bridge and passed him.
And the rain fell on my face like a shower of ashes.
? ? ?
The Emperor summoned me that night. I painted my eyebrows and beauty marks, whitened my skin with some creamy tincture, and dabbed fragrance under my armpits to make me smell pleasant. Then I put on a transparent silk veil and draped it around me.
It was my night. There would be no Jewel, and he would be all mine. If he continued to summon me for a month, I would replace Jewel. I would be known as Most Adored.
He waited, wearing a loose white tunic and a pair of night trousers with gold threads on the hem. He did not sit on the bed or the stool, but rather on a floor mat surrounded by candles. He seemed to be performing a ritual, one I had never seen before. His hand was shaking, and the flames flickered on his shrunken face—was it lopsided somehow? But that must be the light… I was certain though, he looked haggard, uncertain, even…fearful.
I sat at the outer circle of candles, keeping a discreet distance from him. Daisy had told me he was different at night, but I had not expected to see him act so strangely. In fact, had I not seen him in his elaborate formal regalia and crown in court, had I not seen how calm he was when he gave the order to throw the slave under the horses at the polo match, I would not have believed he was the Emperor of China.
“Wine!” he ordered, handing me a small jug.
I hurried to a table and poured the wine. He took it from my hand and dismissed the other servants who waited in the corridor. “Go!” He gestured me to the bed.
A wave of nervous heat rushed through me, but I did not hesitate. I lay down.
He came close. “Hold this.” He pushed the wine jug into my hands, as if he were asking his groom to hold his belongings before he headed out for hunting. Then he pulled up his robe.
I could not understand why he had given me the jug, but I obeyed, held tight to it as his cold fingers scratched my thigh. I should not complain. I had asked for this. Many maidens had looked forward to this moment. I should have been glad, should have felt privileged and honored that I would become the Emperor’s woman. Emperor’s woman…like Jewel… I wondered how she felt when she came to serve him.