Her voice sounded different than normal, a little higher, a little softer. “It’s okay if we don’t win, right?”
I sighed. “I don’t even want to think about that.”
“Me neither,” she said quickly. “But I was thinking about what you said the other day, about cutting your losses.”
“Yeah?”
“Like, even when we’ve gotten second or third before, it was like, ‘Whatever, that was a fluke. We just need to get to Nationals.’ I mean, even you would say stuff like that, and you hate losing.”
“It’s true.” I would say, Whatever, this doesn’t matter. Nationals is what matters.
“We didn’t really decide to cut our losses by coming here, did we?”
I held my breath, staring at the ceiling. “What do you mean?”
“We put all our eggs in one basket.”
I was quiet. She continued.
“This year has been weird. I…” She blew out a breath. “I feel like I can do a lot of the things I do because I usually go after stuff that I know I can do. I can act and run QU and make out with people not just because I want to, but because I know I can. You know? And lately this year, I’ve actually started to want things. And not just things that depend on me being able to be good at them. I want bigger things that have nothing to do with me.”
I believed her, though I was surprised. I knew why I wanted this, but never really thought Maddie was as wrapped up in this world as I was. Then I remembered the other day at practice, her jacket over her head. Last week, inviting me to places even though she didn’t have to. We were in this together.
“I’ve noticed that,” I said.
“Yeah?”
I swallowed. I hoped this is what she was talking about. I hoped I wasn’t going to sound stupid. “You used to make fun of me for being so invested in debate. Even when you were super good at it. But now you’re as crazy about it as I am.”
She laughed, almost her regular cackle, and I joined in, and there’s something about laughing on your back that makes you keep going long after anything is funny. It’s like something solid from your back and shoulder and chest is being released in the air to dissolve.
After the laughter faded, it got quiet again. We could hear the elevators whoosh.
“I actually want Stacia,” Maddie said quietly, almost as if she were talking to herself. “Not just because… whatever.”
“I know what you mean,” I said after a while. “I actually want to win. Not just because I’m competitive. It doesn’t even have to do with anyone else. I just want it for me. Does that make sense?”
“It does,” Maddie said. “I want it, too.”
Soon after that, she fell asleep. I can almost see all the stuff we laughed about hanging in the air, rising, moving elsewhere through the walls, and I think I’ll sleep, too.
SUCK IT
FIRST ROUND
Madeline Sinclair and Samantha McCoy, Hanover High School, Hanover, NH
vs.
Thuto Thipe and Garrett Roswell,
Stuyvesant High School, New York, NY
Hanover High School: 19 Stuyvesant High School: 17
Yep. Staying focused. Victory meal at Legal Sea Foods.
SECOND ROUND
Madeline Sinclair and Samantha McCoy, Hanover High School, Hanover, NH
vs.
Anthony Tran and Alexander Helmke, St. Louis Park High School, St. Louis Park, MN
Hanover High School: 18 St. Louis Park High School: 16
Two down. Had a splitting headache last night, so we were worried, but it went away by round time. Would normally be judging Maddie right now for taking a phone call from Stacia outside, but I can’t freak out about that. Whatever we’re doing, it’s working.
In the elevator just now, two eliminated dude debaters reeking of cologne got on, not even seeing me.
“Did you hear about Hanover’s pair?” one of them was saying.
“The girl with a Mohawk? And the one with the ass? Yeah, dude.”
“They’re in the finals.”
“My money’s on Hartford.”
The doors opened.
As the doors closed, I called out, “You’re mistaken!” and flipped them off.
Watching Caddyshack with the sound off on the hotel TV, gargling with salt water. Trying to keep my mouth limber. I’m on edge but not nervous. I’m feeling blank but not scattered.
Third round’s tomorrow at ten a.m. When we win that, we go to the championship round.
UNTITLED