So Grace would come home after a full day at the company to find Patrick lounging on the couch, watching sports on TV. He’d give her a kiss and tell her about his classes and what assignments he had to do. The apartment was always a mess, his books and papers strewn over the table.
She had to work out a tight schedule so she could get all the shopping, laundry, and cleaning done on one of her days off. She gave up going to church. It had always been a battle between them anyway. Patrick never went with her. He said church was a boring waste of time. Better if she used Sunday to prepare meals for the week ahead, packaging and stacking them in the freezer so all she had to do was warm them up when she came home from work. That left her evenings free to help Patrick with his studies. Often he was more interested in having sex than doing his course work. “We can come back to it.” He always fell asleep. Frustrated and worried, she’d get up and finish his work.
Halfway through junior year, Patrick informed Grace he’d changed his major from business administration to physical education. He figured it was a better fit for him. She thought he had a point. When he said he might need postgraduate work to get a really good job, she felt another shock wave of warning. She said that wasn’t part of their agreement. He smiled, kissed her, and said they’d talk about it when the time came for a decision.
There was one thing they had to talk about, though. Grace was pregnant. It wasn’t part of the plan, but she hoped it would help turn things around for them. There had to be some way to make it work. She’d always assumed they would start a family sooner or later.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen!” Patrick raged when she told him. He wanted her to have an abortion. She refused. It was the one time she didn’t go along with what he wanted.
She lost the baby in the second trimester. He didn’t try to hide his relief. He brought home flowers and a bottle of champagne. “Back to plan A.” When he popped the cork, she came close to hating him.
Patrick headed into his senior year, and Grace was promoted to office manager. With her raise, she managed to put away some savings. She would need funds to go back to college. She wouldn’t have her scholarship anymore. She’d have to pay for tuition and books. With a little nest egg, she wouldn’t feel guilty about the expense, especially if they started a family. Every time she brought up the subject, Patrick said they should wait a couple more years. They were still young. He’d slaved for four years to get through school. He wanted to have some fun before they started talking about kids.
Graduation day came, and Grace felt an overwhelming pride as she sat with Patrick’s parents and her aunt Elizabeth. She and Patrick had both worked hard for this day. Patrick looked so handsome in his cap and gown. His parents boasted that he had graduated with honors. Several of his term papers were on file in the university library. Aunt Elizabeth looked pointedly at Grace. The Moores agreed Grace was the best thing that ever happened to their son, and they insisted on a celebration dinner at Lawry’s steak house. They also insisted Aunt Elizabeth join them.
The Moores ordered champagne. Aunt Elizabeth declined and drank water. Grace sipped cautiously. Patrick imbibed freely. He told stories about professors and students he’d hung out with at the student union. Grace was surprised to hear that. When his parents asked what he planned to do now that he had his degree, he said he needed a break to consider his options. His mother gave Grace a pained look. Aunt Elizabeth sat in stony silence.
He drained his glass and announced he’d joined a gym, and he’d already talked with someone in management who thought he’d make a great trainer. All he had to do was spend a couple of weeks in a course to get a certificate. Aunt Elizabeth gave a derisive snort and said he could have done that straight out of high school. When Mr. Moore agreed, Patrick poured another glass of champagne and sulked.
Embarrassed, Grace ate in silence. When had Patrick had the time or money to join a gym and get to know the management? He’d never talked about any of this with her. She felt Aunt Elizabeth watching her and tried to keep the smile on her face. She attempted to look as though nothing he said was a surprise and she was happy about the plans he’d made.
On the way out of the restaurant, Aunt Elizabeth gripped her arm and held her back. “You didn’t know, did you?”
“Know what?”
“About the student union. About the gym membership.” Aunt Elizabeth looked fierce. “Open your eyes. He’ll use you until you’re a dried-up husk, and then he’ll throw you away.”
“He’s my husband.” She couldn’t change direction now. She’d made vows.
“I know.” Her aunt turned away. “I tried to warn you.”
As soon as Grace and Patrick walked into their apartment, she asked him when he’d joined a gym and how he’d been paying for it. Patrick turned evasive. He’d gotten a really good deal. It wouldn’t cost her a dime. The way he said it made her feel like a moneygrubbing penny-pincher. She dropped the subject.
Two weeks later she came home to an empty apartment and found a note on the table.
Gone skiing with friends.
Needed a break before the certification class starts. I’ll be home Sunday night.
Enjoy church. Love, Patrick
Enjoy church? Easter Sunday was the last time she’d gone. She’d left halfway through the service because she couldn’t hide the tears streaming down her face. And they hadn’t been tears of joy. Every time she tried to talk to God, she felt her words bounce back off the ceiling. Why should God listen to her prayers? She hadn’t listened to Him. She missed the friend who had come to her when she was a terrified, lonely child. She hadn’t heard his voice since the day she gave herself to Patrick.
Skiing was an expensive sport, and Patrick wasn’t working. Suspicious, Grace logged onto the savings account. He’d withdrawn five hundred dollars of her hard-earned school savings. She dug her fingers into her hair and wept.
Hurt and angry, Grace confronted Patrick when he came home Sunday night. He dumped his duffel bag and said he knew she would say no, so he hadn’t asked. Why should he have to ask? He was an adult, not a child, and they were married. That money was as much his as hers. He could do what he wanted when he wanted.
When she said she wished she had the same privileges, he cursed at her. He’d worked four long, hard years to earn his degree. Some of his friends were going to Europe for the summer. It was bad enough he was stuck in Los Angeles and had nothing to look forward to but a nine-to-five job, without having a nagging wife waiting to harangue him the minute he walked through the door.
His anger frightened her. He kept advancing until he backed her against the sink. Heart pounding, she apologized. He wasn’t finished. He said she’d turned into a drudge. All he’d done was go away for three days and have some fun for a change. Maybe he’d go again! Maybe he’d stay away longer next time!
By the time Patrick finished his rant, the seed of fear was firmly planted. He hadn’t touched her, but she sensed he’d wanted to hit her. Grace didn’t say anything more. When they went to bed, Patrick turned his back to her. She lay in the darkness, weeping silently, trying not to move a muscle lest she disturb him.
Lord, what have I done? What have I done?
Patrick slept soundly, and Grace knew they’d crossed a line. She was afraid of what lay on the other side. When she finally slept, she dreamed of her mother and father and awakened drenched in cold sweat. Her inner child wanted to drag a blanket and pillow off the bed and hide in the closet.