“I won’t be part of anything like that. You can just forget about it.”
“Honestly, Ingrid, that’s not very collegial. I think you could benefit from some Mindful Presence training. Maybe that would give you a clearer idea of who is actually on your team. In addition to your own self, that is.”
“I pulled off the cooperation agreement with Russia! The only one of its kind! Is no one going to thank me for that?”
He chuckled good-naturedly.
“That cooperation agreement only benefits the chair. Now there’ll be four more years of her. But it means zilch to us. How many of our students are going to go to Russia? None! We don’t offer any programs that have anything to do with Russia. I mean, would you go to Saint Petersburg to study Ibsen? Really, Ingrid, you’re so naive.”
“I’m not naive. I’m the bad cop!”
34
I eventually managed to convince both Alva’s preschool teacher and Bj?rnar that I wasn’t an alcoholic. Yet I was informed that it would be preferable if my husband were responsible for preschool drop-off and pickup and that under no circumstances should I speak to Titus’s au pair.
We eventually sold the house, too, to a young couple expecting their first child and living in a mildew-infested basement apartment way outside of town.
I watched them as they stood there looking around the kitchen.
“Look, a door opening right onto the backyard,” she said, rubbing her belly. “Wouldn’t that be nice?”
So, we sold. For five hundred thousand kroner below our asking price.
“You should have waited until May,” the realtor said. “The 17th of May. The market’s always really hopping by then.”
“‘Really hopping’ can’t compete with stress cancer,” I said.
“Sunk cost,” Bj?rnar said after sitting beneath the chandelier in the big new dining room for three days crunching numbers.
“What?”
“Money that’s gone and can’t be recovered so we don’t need to think about it.”
Sunk cost, I thought as I noticed the bottle of champagne that was still sitting unopened in the fridge. We were going to open it once we were settled. Once there was no longer any need to fear the monster lurking in the darkness below. Once Tehom had settled back down again.
But this was not that time.
Deep inside I knew that the panic attacks and the fear of death wouldn’t let up until I had talked to Bj?rnar about one last thing. It was just so hard to find a time and place that seemed right for a conversation that could potentially usher in the final doom. Which would be the impetus for my transformation into the cough-syrup lady.
So I kept my eyes and ears open and bided my time, waiting for the right moment.
Which turned out to be five minutes before Bj?rnar was supposed to take Ebba to soccer practice.
I stood outside the bathroom, pounding on the door.
“Can I come in?” I yelled.
“I’m on the toilet in here. Can’t you use the other bathroom?”
“No.”
Five minutes later he opened the door.
“You know I don’t like it when someone stands outside the door, waiting like that.”
“I wasn’t doing that!”
“Yes, you were. I could hear you breathing.”
“Fine. I was. But I have to talk to you about something.”
There was a pounding in my chest.
“I’m late. We’re training for the merit badge. Everyone has to be able to do it.”
“Yeah, but just hold on for a second. I did something.”
He sighed.
“Don’t sigh! That distracts me.”
“OK.”
“I did something dumb.”
“And . . . ?”
“And the dumb thing was . . . You know how I went to Saint Petersburg?”
“Yes?”
“Right when we weren’t doing so well?”
“Yes?”
“Well, not that we weren’t doing so well, the two of us. Although actually we weren’t doing that well, but obviously I knew that was because of all the stuff with the house, that we hadn’t sold it yet and we were just so busy and . . . It was a stressful time and everything was so dark and gloomy and depressing. And then I got sick while I was there and I was taking some pretty strong medicine. You know, that cough syrup I told you about.”
“Are you going to get to the point anytime soon?”
“Well, it’s just that I’m really not looking forward to this . . .”
I waved my hands around in the air.
He looked at me.
“OK, I’m starting to get a little concerned. What did you do?”
I inhaled. Exhaled. Closed my eyes and clenched my flailing hands.
“I kissed a Russian! Or—I kissed him one time. And then he kissed me. One time. I’m sorry! It wasn’t anything more than that, I promise! One kiss. Well, or two. Kind of depends on how you count. It didn’t mean anything, but I’m very, very sorry and I’ll never do anything like that again!”
Everything was still for a moment, completely still.
For a moment, my heart quit beating.
And I knew this was it.
This was the awful thing.
I tried to think positive thoughts, but it didn’t work.
Now the seams ripped apart.
Now it was over.
Bj?rnar started to laugh.
I opened my eyes.
“Why are you laughing?”
“I’m sorry. You’re just so unexpected. I thought you were going to tell me something terrible.”
“So you don’t want to get divorced?”
“Divorced? No, you know there’s no way we could afford that.”
“But you want a divorce? You feel betrayed?”
“No.”
My heart was beating; I could breathe. There was an effervescent sensation in my chest.
I stepped closer and wrapped my arms around him.
“Anyway, I’m sorry,” I said. “I’ll never do it again. Like I said.”
“Fine. It’s not cool to go around kissing other people. Certainly not Russians, anyway. What were you thinking? Was it Stockholm syndrome?”
“I didn’t think of that. A mix of Stockholm syndrome and being hopped up on cough syrup, maybe.”
“Well, I suppose we all have our skeletons in the closet.”
“Our what? Wait, have you kissed someone else?”
“One time.”
“When?”
He blushed a little.