When I happened to look over at the head table, I saw Amy nodding happily at me. She had obviously given her blessing to whatever was going to happen between Xavier and me.
“Where did you learn to dance like that?” I asked Xavier when we finished. “You’re really very good.”
He put his arm around my waist and led me off the dance floor. Was this it, then? Did I lean into him, swing my hair a little, look up into his polar-blue eyes with a smile and a come-hither glance? I felt out of practice. It felt wooden and absurd. It felt artificial and false. I told myself not to have another drink. I told myself another drink would cloud things horribly.
“Oh, round about,” he said, escorting me to the bar. “My mother taught me some of it in our kitchen. She loved to dance, my mother did. We had dance parties to liven things up when my father was away on business, and he was away a good deal. My sisters had lessons, and they could be quite severe teachers. They bullied me into it, but I’m glad they did.”
“The lessons took.”
“I’ll be sure to tell them.”
Then we exchanged a little look. It wasn’t that look, but it was a look. I broke it off with difficulty.
“I’m going to run to the loo,” I said, using a sheep riff … looooo. “Be right back.”
“Okay, don’t be too long. You’ll be missed.”
I went to find Amy.
“Bridesmaids are supposed to get laid at weddings!” Amy said when I found her and told her about my confusion over Xavier. She held a drink in her hand, her hair slightly mussed from dancing with one of Raef’s many cousins. They had found her early in the reception and kept her moving. “I mean, isn’t that the point of dolling everyone up? Everyone’s here to get a little something. Heather, you’re not a nun!”
“Oh, good grief, Amy. I never said I was a nun.”
“It’s a decision you don’t have to make right now. You’re not a Roman emperor giving a thumbs-up or -down. You could just go with it and see where it takes you.”
“I know where it will take me, Amy. That’s the point.”
“I wish I had someone around here! I wish I had someone to decide about.”
“Those cousins would oblige you,” I said. “The ones you’ve been dancing with.”
“Wouldn’t they ever? Horny little toads. Australian boys have a lot of energy. I’ll give them that. But I don’t see any men here. Not eligible men. Men at weddings are either too young or too old. Otherwise, they’re married themselves.”
“You’re not helping me a damn bit with the Xavier question,” I said. “He’s honestly not my type.”
“What is your type? Never mind, I know, I know. Jack. Yes, okay, Jack is your type. I get it. But Jack took off for the hills, honey. Jack is doing his boy walkabout or whatever the hell he thinks he’s doing. He’s a great guy, I like him a lot, but he’s no longer around. Poof. He disappeared. That woman who did massage on me always said to get over a man, get under a man.”
“You’re horrible, Amy. That’s obscene.”
She smiled. She wiggled her eyebrows. She had had a lot to drink, I realized. But then she waxed philosophical.
“Here’s the thing. If you sleep with Xavier, you’ll wake up with a headache and probably the same heartache. Plus, you run the risk of him thinking you hit it off, so he will call and want to talk, and every time you hear the phone ring, you will be hurt that it’s not Jack.”
“I thought you wanted me to sleep with him!”
“Just someone, Heather. I want you to return to life. You can sleep with anyone you like, of course, but I don’t want you to hold that hurt, that Jack stuff, so close to you anymore. It’s time to let some of it go. I know it’s hard, honey, but you need to let it slip away.”
I nodded. My eyes filled. She put her arm through mine. We stood for a while and didn’t talk. It was a gorgeous early evening. I wondered if I should go find Xavier. I wondered if I should go to the loo. I felt all sixes and sevens, as my mother used to say when she was out of sorts.
We were still standing there when Raef came by.
“I want to have a dance with you, Heather,” he said. “Would you dance with the groom?”
“I’d be flattered.”
“What am I? Swiss cheese?” Amy asked, releasing my arm.
“You’re down the road. Just hold your horses.”
Amy grumbled and went off. I stood with Raef.
“I’d love to dance with you, Raef,” I said.
“I’m not much of a dancer. Not like my friend Xavier.”
“Xavier has many talents, it seems.”
“Oh, you don’t know half of them. Do you like him?”
“I do. I like him a lot. He’s a character.”
“He’s actually quite a good man. We’ve been friends a long time. Since boyhood, really. You two would make a nice couple.”
“Are you in the matchmaking game now, Raef?”
“I’ve become an expert now that I’m married. Didn’t you know? Married people always know exactly what single people should do, who they should see, how they should live.”
He smiled and held out his arms, and I stepped into them. I realized, moving close to him and beginning to step after his lead, that I was enormously fond of Raef.
“You know that you have the best girl in the whole world,” I said, finding it the tiniest bit strange to dance with my friend’s husband. Her husband! “She’s like a light that the world needs.”
“Yes, I do know that. That’s a good way to put it. I’m a lucky man.”
“She’s even more beautiful than you might know, Raef. Her beauty touches everything. Her love and feeling for beauty. I don’t know anyone else like her, honestly.”
He nodded. We danced clockwise around the floor, but his body felt tight and nervous. I almost spoke to ask him if he was all right, when he leaned close and whispered into my ear. He gave me the real reason he had asked me to dance.
“I wanted to talk to you about Jack,” he said. “Our Jack. Your Jack Vermont. I thought on this day of all days I might be given permission to speak.”
He pushed me away a little so he could look me eye to eye. I felt my heart drop to the ground. He had kind, warm eyes. The band played a nice, gentle beat that seemed out of keeping with the expression on Raef’s face.
“Is it okay if I talk a little about Jack?” he asked. “I need to say something, and I’ve been holding on to it too long.”
I nodded. My body felt as if it had lost its bones.
“Go ahead.”
“First, I have to ask for your understanding, and maybe your forgiveness. I made a promise to Jack that I would not speak of this matter to you. I’ve never mentioned it to Constance, either. No one in the world knows except Jack and me and his parents. He confided it in me.”
“What is it, Raef? Tell me. You sound terribly formal.”
“Sorry. I don’t mean to be. I feel funny about saying anything at all.”
“Go ahead and tell me.”
The music shifted time and slowed to a soft, brushy beat. We danced on the parquet floor. I was conscious of every detail: the music, the firmness of the floor, Raef’s handsomeness, the color and texture of his suit, my own gown, tea length, touching the skin beneath my knee. Raef seemed to be caught on what he needed to say. He started to speak, then stopped.